A pathological liar isn't going to be damn near enough to describe my situation. There was no reason, logical nor emotional, to make statements that are going to bear that much weight on both my shoulders and her conscience. Although I'd like to think, there's a better combination, such as the weight of both her legs on my shoulder but that's just me.
I might say that I'm a liar and to an extent, I am, but some part of me meant it. I want her to count on me, to talk to me, to unravel herself piece by piece, and leave me in awe. I want her to give me something, anything so that I remember that I once knew a girl who taught me that love and hate can somehow be interchangeable.
There are so many things I want, but how far can money get me? It might score me a class with her, a coat she loved, a house that she dreams of, and maybe even her legs the way I want them to. But no amount of money will ensure that she thinks of me whenever she rolls on her bed or whenever she sees a Burberry coat. No amount of money will carve my name inside that heart of hers and make her realize that maybe love is real.
I'm ungrateful, aren't I?
The gates to my house open for me, there's food on the table anytime I want it, my mom busts her ass to make sure nobody's better than us, and I get to go to a preppy school with all those grand halls and self-proclaimed kids. It only starts there because when I walk into my home, there's a sister who'll ask why I'm back this late and a little brother who says he missed me even if it's been hours.
There's so much good, with or without the money. Yet, I want that very thing I've been forbidden from. I want it so bad that my sanity had slipped enough for me to walk into my mother's room and talk to her.
"James, I need you to open both your ears and listen to me very clearly, okay," She says, with that stern face of hers fixed on me. "I am not a public attorney. We live like this because I-not you, not Lara, not Zion-I work very hard."
It only goes up from there.
"And unless you go out there and see how hard I work, you won't think much of it. " She continues, still managing to keep her composure in check. "Plus, what's all the fuss about? Why do you out of a sudden want to talk to me...all because somebody needs a lawyer?
This is the moment where I almost explode into a fit about how she never cares about me either until it's a life or death situation but who am I to talk, right? Who's a 17-year-old who's constantly grieving his father and falling in love recklessly with a girl that broke his heart-to know that his mom's not as stellar as she makes herself to be?
"Mom, please. Please, I'm pleading with you to help her and whatever grudge you've against me can be dealt with later on."
She looks even more enraged with this approach. "Her? So what, this is about you being in love with one of those girls, isn't it? The drug dealer kind. The fatherless, useless, heartless-"
I cut her right before she speaks any more badly about Charmaine. "Stop, mom. You don't even know the girl, you've never even met her. She's not a drug dealer, she's not fatherless, and she's certainly not useless."
"There's no denial even." She throws her hands up in shock. "It's not even been enough time for the grief to settle and you're chasing drug dealers? I hope your father doesn't see a day in heaven for this, cross my heart if I was in charge, I would've let that man..." She trails off, catching herself.
It makes sense that she's wishing all this downfall on him when he's dead because never in my life have I ever seen her look at him with love in her eyes. He looked at her with more than enough of it, so much to the point that you could share it around and there would still be plenty to keep.
"Listen, mom, you could talk to her once-only once. She's a family friend of Kai's. Please don't let both me and him down."
She sits on the edge of the bed with all this anger mixed with uncertainty emitting from her heavily. I can tell she's got her hands tied only because of the respect she has for Kai's family, not because she cares about me, not cause she feels bad for Charmaine, not because she cares about my life in any way.
"Fine."
I feel a smile resting on my lips as I look at her. I'm grateful that she respects Kai's family because, at the least, it was a reason to make her agree. A part of me wants to get down and hug her but that would be like embracing an inanimate object or showing affection to a wall. That would only rub salt in my wounds.
Still, I thank her before leaving because, after all, I accomplished my goal of keeping my word to Charmaine. She might not understand where I'm coming from, given she doesn't even know my mother, but I'll still fall asleep tonight knowing I did the right thing. Maybe she'll sleep well at night too, knowing someone has her back. Even if they're hoping that they eventually gain the heart to betray her.
But what's betrayal if it can be mended? The only way I could betray her is by destroying her in the worst way imaginable. I would have to take her heart and break it, steal her dreams and crush them, and show her that trusting me wasn't worth it, scar her to the point she regrets living. Then, I'd win.
But if that's winning, for now, I'll be a loser.
I'll be a loser all my life, with the kind of heart I have. More like, with the kind of heart my dad gave me, I'll be doomed to end like him.
I'd be damned to end like him, so I pick myself up and get into the car again. If there's anyone who can range from logical to impulsive, I know that matters like this come easy. So easy that within a twenty-minute drive, I find myself standing in front of a house cozier than most.
I behold its windows lit with warm lighting and lush white curtains, alongside the plants decorating the surroundings of the house itself. The walls are a calm peach and the front door has two lights on each side which oddly remind me of that analogy that there are two angels on either shoulder. They're staring at me like that, almost judging me.
Of course, they'd judge me, especially with what I'm about to do. Yet, I knock. And yet, I hear footsteps nearing and I feel this surge of excitement at what I'm about to do.
It's gonna be a long night, that's for sure.
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Miscellaneous
Teen Fiction"If money can't buy happiness, tell me why you're happier around me?" In Charmaine's heart, there's only one thing that she's reserved a place for and that's money. With that being her motto and purpose, she thrives on dating countless people of al...
