Miscellaneous

XVII- Charmaine

Being entangled in this fiasco with the one and only James can have its perks, I must admit. From the way my ego is stroked furiously to the basic power, I am given such advantages by being myself. It's almost rewarding, the way he treats me on certain occasions. Yet, there's this guilty conscience nagging at me and I suspect it goes way further than just conscience.

Now is certainly not the time to explore such depths, especially when my bliss is interrupted by somebody.

"You guys were out for quite a long time so I thought I'd, you know, check on you guys." Kai peers from his bedroom with an unsure look. Beneath that look, I'm convinced he was secretly hoping for a little action to happen. I'll admit, there was quite the action when he wasn't here and things could've hit the climax, but he had to ruin it. With that smug face of his and glaring tattoos that run up his neck. It's almost as if they're wrapped onto one side of his neck, uniformed yet chaotic in a way. There's a hint of rich background to them as if it's something that means a lot to him.

James casually stuffs his hands in each pocket and smiles weakly. Maybe he wanted things to escalate too? No, why would he want to stand at my mercy and level? He surely knows better—right?

That tiny bit of hope inside of me dies a little.

"Let's...go back inside," I say warily, to not appear to be disappointed. It's not like standing out here with him will solve any of my real-world problems.

Once back in Kai's bedroom, he settles back into his gaming chair and leans back to observe us. Though it would be gravely wrong to say so, my mind can't help but admire him extensively. With that unkempt hair, the white tee hugging his torso, and the headset he's sporting on his neck, he looks so effortlessly—dishy. I don't even use that word often and that's how I can tell he's caught my eye.

"I'm assuming you guys are cool, right?" Kai breaks the silence with his eyes fixed on me. He knows there was more to it than being on good terms, yet he asked.

James eases into the headboard of Kai's bed as if he's unbothered by this whole thing. "Are we good, Carrie?" He asks.

My heart sinks at how I'm Carrie now.

"Yes, of course, we are," I reply, even managing to smile to seal the lie. "Besides, there was nothing bad anyways."

That in itself was a lie but who's Kai to know? James won't just contradict me as if he wasn't treating me like I was the apple of his eye just a little while ago. He's in no place to talk because even if logically, he was putting up an act, he wouldn't expose himself right in front of me. That would be of no use to him, surely.

"Sure," James says, peering at me. "Can we get talking about the reason we're even here today?"

Now, I'm on the edge of my seat overwhelmed with interest. I shouldn't be showing him how much I want his help because all it's going to do is give him the upper hand. "I know the circumstances aren't ideal but if you could just help me..." I trail at the end because truly, I don't know what I should offer.

"Say less." He grins and for a minute, I believe that I'm seeing things in the wrong light. As if he senses that I'm unsure somehow, "And I don't expect anything out of it, of course."

I muster a tight smile before looking down at the ground. "Well, that concludes my stay here." In a minute, without even thinking, both my feet are on the ground and I'm rushing to go outside. I tune out both of their voices urging me to come back, drowning them with my thoughts instead.

I know this isn't the best way to leave, given it's the way I've left the first time. What's in my hands, though? When business is finished, there should be no reason to stay, isn't it? Because when the mind isn't working, the heart takes over and I can't afford the events to play out like that.

But then, what if?

And maybe all these "what if's" are somewhat true because, at that minute, I'm faced with the man, James, himself. I'm not a professional but I can see that sadness swirling in his eyes with a desperation to escape. I can also feel the way my heart is somewhat aching as well, yearning to let the words slip out of my lips. Yet, every time I try to conjure something, my tongue feels heavy in its place.

"Can you just not leave for once?" He snarls, fuming with anger. He's almost like a pressure cooker, building up with anger over time and only becoming susceptible to outbursts over time. "You said you didn't mean it the first time yet, look at you, leaving. Again."

"James, can you just shut up for one minute of your life?" I snap in return.

He takes a big step toward me and almost sighs when he realizes he's not that intimidating. We're standing practically eye to eye, with only an inch being the difference between us. His eyebrows are raised while mine are knitted. Seems like I'm the angrier one for no apparent reason.

"You know what, Charmaine? Get out of my fucking house and never show your face again." He says it in this harsh tone where he's almost saying it quietly with enough anger to crush me."Matter of fact, your dad can deal with his bullshit on his own. Maybe he does deserve being locked up."

I push my index finger into his chest with enough anger to startle myself. "Don't ever mention my dad in such a way, okay? You don't even know me or him. My dad would never hurt anyone, got it?"

"Oh, so what now, your dad's a Saint?" Just like you, isn't it?"

There's this overwhelming urge to slap him brewing inside of me but I hold myself back. The last thing I need to add to my plate would be an assault charge or problems with this man. "I don't care, James. I really don't. So let's stop this here and I'll just leave."

I turn to the door but then again, he stops me, but with a less disturbed look on his face. "Get in the car. No bus ride will get you home from this location."

When an effort to protest emerges he just walks out and expects me to follow him into the cold night.

Surprisingly, thats exactly what I do.