An Angel's smile//Drarry

XVIII

I thought that running away from Harry and hiding from him would make me stop being in love with him, but when he showed up like that in the forest after I'd run away from the astronomy tower, I'd never been more glad to see someone. Being alone like that did give me time to come to terms with myself and the way I felt about Harry. I had accepted that I was in love with him and I had accepted that he probably didn't feel the same way. And that was okay. Loving him was enough. Harry told me that we'd talk the day after he found me. I wondered what he meant by that. Talk about how he lied to me in those notes just to get close to me? I sighed.

We were sitting at the Slytherin table in the Great Hall. I was glad to be eating breakfast after days of not eating anything. I had a feeling people were looking at us and indeed I was right. Perhaps because they hadn't seen me in a while or because I looked so terrible. Harry, although looking terribly fine all the time, looked a bit pale and thin as well. Another reason would be that nobody had ever seen us eat together.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Blaise looking at me and Harry from afar. He was standing in the doorway of the Great Hall, unnoticed by everyone else. I really hoped he'd stop accusing the only other friend, except for Pansy, I had. "Do you want to talk now?", I asked Harry, trying to divert my attention to him instead. He hesitated before shaking his head. "I'd like to talk in private instead if that's alright for you. We need to have a serious talk, no secrets, just the truth. I have things to reveal to you that nobody else knows, things I don't want people to know. I've been hiding these secrets and feelings for quite a while now and if anybody deserves to know about them, it's you Draco.", he explained, smiling at me. I smiled back. I was curious as to what he meant by 'secrets and feelings', but I was going to let him tell me instead of inquiring. It didn't end so well last time. I wondered if I should tell him about my history with Mr. Gray and the history I had with him, which was also the nature of my nightmares. I believed he deserved to know after comforting me all those times I had them.

I looked up at him. He was stuffing his mouth with some Shepherd's pie. I raised a brow. He always said Weasley was able to eat a ton of food in a matter of minutes and that he stuffed the food in his mouth in the most disgusting way. Well, in my humble opinion, Weasley had some competition. Blimey, Harry could eat. He seemed famished, I'd never seen him eat this much!

I cleared my throat and he looked up at me. "Stop eating like a bloody werewolf, it's repulsive.", I scowled, cutting up the sausages on my plate. He rolled his eyes, sat up, and slowed down. "Better?", he asked, squinting his eyes at me, seemingly annoyed. "Better.", I said, munching on some bread. He gave me the same look, but I could see his eyes smiling and eventually he grinned. "I can never stay annoyed with you for too long. I've never been able to, not even before.", Harry laughed. I smiled at him, I appreciated the compliment, although it seemed a bit like an insult in a way.

***

Harry and I were taking a stroll in the gardens. Professor Sprout had already re-planted so many of the flowers that had been wiped away in the war, but still, there were so many left I was afraid she wouldn't have the time to plant them all! "During the summer – Harry started – I started self-harming. I was in a low place back then, with no one to stop me. The alcohol and pain helped distract me from the terrible guilt I felt. The guilt I still feel. I, although I've been told it's wrong by so many, still believe that I am at fault for everything. The war and the grief people had to feel during it because so many died. Friends, relatives, and loved ones, and they're all my fault. No matter what anyone tells me, it's always what I will believe. Even if none of them was my fault, some deaths before the war were. Cedric's death certainly was. Ron helped me realize what a twat I was being, harming myself like that. I was being a coward. He told me that harming myself made me feel better, but that if I continued I could never feel happy again. That I could never be again. He helped me get through it and I hadn't self-harmed since, well, that is until you disappeared. You see Draco, you are very special to me, and losing you like that, even though it was just for a few days, made me want to feel better again. I self-harmed again. I'm ashamed of it, truly. Another reason I've been distant or defensive is the lack of sleep that I get. Being connected to Voldemort in the way that I was, resulted in many many nightmares. They became worse each day, but after I killed him, they stopped naturally. I thought that I was finally going to be able to sleep normally, but I was terribly wrong indeed. I've been unable to have a good night's sleep ever since the end of the battle. That's why I never go back to bed after helping you. I always go for a walk or try and do something useful, visit Hagrid or have an early breakfast. I've tried everything to fall asleep, but nothing helps. I'm sorry I didn't tell you about any of these earlier.".