Touch Of Hearts

Prologue.

Call

One can tell you white lies and it deceives you from knowing truths. It will manipulate you, till it ignites in you that lying is normal. And that goes on still, until it teaches you how to choose your lies, too. You'll learn by then what lies are fine and not, when all along, lies are lies: will do you no good. But you are too deceived to even think rational and choose truths than lies, aren't you?

I bet, you're too crowded with this perceptions of you, thinking that lies aren't that bad. But it exactly destroys you while it lasts. It destroys the people you blindly want to hear and understand it.

"We're not doing it because we want you hurt. We want the best for you. Please, you need to understand it, Phil," mom reasoned out pleadingly while I curl my hair in front of the dresser.

I slightly paused. I don't understand. Will they ever know what's best for me, when they have never even ask what I want to do?

"I promise, it can help...you, anak..." Kung hindi ko lang naintindihan kaagad ang pag-aalangan sa pagsasabing para iyon sa akin, mas magiging kapani-paniwala ang pangungumbinsi. Ngunit hindi. Alam ko ang kaniyang pakay, nasisiguro kong tama ako sa pagkakataong ito, ngunit hindi ko gusto na kahit nakakapagod ang pagtanggi, sinisikap kong sabihin ang saloobin ko sa paraang hindi ko siya masasaktan nang lubos.

But I hate that I am doubting it. I know, I shouldn't, but it's the harder truth that I am holding so tight right now: my faith towards myself that this is not entirely for me, but for their sole advantage.

One can tell you promise that'll touch your heart, but some can still break from it. It won't last. Everything can throw shits on you, which disguises as empty tank of words to comfort or soothe you. We should stop believing that this world can actually give you hope and better life, because it won't. You'll have to work yourself, spread your wings, create your own art and let no one rule the colors you want to paint in your life.

"I don't totally understand it. Perhaps, never, mom." Through the mirror, I talked coldly.

I almost heard her grunt through a frustrated sigh. She's been so impatient, but not enough to take me down my knees.

However, sometimes, I am thinking about just giving it all up including my principles so I can keep my family's relationship with me healthy, but when I reflect to all the failings that they did for the family, I couldn't trust them anymore. It felt bad for a child not to trust her parents, but they've done too much destructions, carving me trauma that scared me to risk whatever plans they get in them. Ayaw ko nang maulit pa iyon sa pamamagitan nito ngayon.

I shifted a bit before picking the glossy lip tint, not bothered by my mom's presence as reflected in the mirror. Her eyes were weary and tired, and just like that, I feel guilty again.

Nakaramdam ako ng bahagyang awa para sa aking ina. Despite them, wanting so much to meddle with my personal decisions, I can't stop thinking about it thoroughly. Although, I so much know too that I firmly stand by my choice and no one can break it up, even them.

Besides, ilang beses nang ganito ang usapin na binubuksan ni mommy tuwing bumibisita siya sa aking silid.

I just wished, they let me do things my own, from now on. I am not a kid anymore, who can't make decisions for herself. Pero kung ganito, totoong mahihirapan ako na maintindihan sila, dahil simula pa man, alam ko na ang karapatan ko. I grew up with the empowerment I needed, and I have used it so much that I learned to be independent and become braver as I learn so much things in life. I know what are for me, but slowly, it gets destroyed by their choices for me. My decisions and choices are being painted by the colors I dislike; colors that does not align to the art of future I want.