Facade

39|| heart of hate

tw : violence/ mentions of rape
Song : I feel like I'm Drowning - Two Feet

~ Gabriel ~

I forget how much I hate school every time I'm out of the building, especially for a few weeks or months at a time.

Coming back in for a new year, new semester, most times even a new day, surges an annoyance in me that is no longer a surprise.

Every class is useless, every teacher is the same with their sophisticated outfits and monotone voices.

The windows beam in striped lines due to the blinds always being down yet never being closed and the desks are stained with pen, vandalism or gum on the undersides of the tables and chairs.

It's like prison, but less fun.

At least when you're locked up, you get to work out, play cards and gain intelligence, power amongst your peers. Here, you sit on your ass for eight hours to learn about shit that you'll never use in the real world.

I'm not sure about anyone else, but I've never loaded a gun in a life or death situation and thought about the quadratic formula or iambic pentameter.

Not only is there that stupid shit but then, you have to participate socially to get grades or just to make it by.

I hate socializing. I hate people. I fucking hate school.

The only time I find tolerable is when last period arrives. Prior to this year, that was never a normal thing for me. I hated every part of school until I was finally out of the building. I especially hated last period because it just reminded me of where I was, the last forty minutes going slower than any other part of the day.

This year, it's very different.

I told myself for months that this difference was because of some new found appreciation for learning or the interest I have in psychology, as it helps me in things I do outside of school.

I also told myself that it was probably because the teacher was someone I knew and I knew that he barely taught us anything.

Now I know I was just a fucking idiot.

Now, I realize that whenever I'm in this class, it seems to be more tolerable because of the girl that I share this two person desk with.

The girl that I found myself thinking about even during times where I tried my hardest not to, times that I didn't even want to.

The most concerning part is that this effect she's had on this class has spread into every other aspect of my life.

Whenever I catch a glimpse of her around the halls, even just the frame of her that I spent these past few months studying, singling her out from everyone else, it makes this building feel like less of a trap.

She found a way to make my life feel like less of a prison.

I can tolerate the socializing if I'm socializing with her. I can tolerate the work if she's the one doing it with me. I can tolerate sitting in class for the last forty minutes because I can spend that time in her presence, smelling the coconut off her hair and looking at the softening features in her eyes when she looks at me.

I'm not sure what I should call that, but I know it's no coincidence.

And while it makes it easier to breathe, it makes it that much harder to think things through.

"You're coming to the meeting, right?" She asks from beside me, bringing me out of my own head.

My gaze lifts from my notebook and turns to my left to face her. I take a split second to admire her.