Facade

23 || karma

song : Symmetry- JT Roach, Emily Warren

~ Alejandra ~

Temporary insanity has officially turned into full blown mental fucking illness.

Throughout the remainder of the week, I was non stop thinking about the tattooed Devil that the universe has punished me with for all my life's wrong doings.

Gabriel Santiago has become a virus in my life, a sickness in my head, my own personal hell and never ending karma.

Every time we interact, I pray that I've served my sentence, being rid of the punishment that his presence is to me. Then, that insanity kicks in.

I begin to hope I run into him. Hope he circles around to start our never ending war, not even to see if I can win. Just to see if he's still willing to fight with me.

That's what makes the karma so never fucking ending.

Our most recent encounter has my mind the most strung out. Not even the interaction itself, simply the nature of it.

How we manage to continually sway between loathe and lust within seconds is something that not only confuses me, it genuinely concerns me.

Why? Because of the lust part.

Regardless of the times I've hooked up with guys, it wasn't because I was genuinely attracted to them.

It was because women have needs and I was drunk enough to get them a chance to fulfill mine.

Did they ever? No, but A for effort.

I never thought I'd genuinely see myself not only being attracted to Gabriel, but actually caring about if he's attracted to me too.

Is he a good person? No.

Am I? Not in the slightest.

Yet somehow, we both seem to be sending signals that good morals don't really matter to either of us. But neither of us do anything about it either.

Maybe because that loathe part always kicks back in at the worst times, but it's starting to seriously fuck with my already seriously fucked up head.

So much so, I did the unthinkable.

I told on myself to Anayah.

That's how deep I'm in.

"So let me get this straight." Ziek asked as we sat at our lunch table. "You've been canoodling with this kid since the first day of school."

My mouth opened to interject, but he rudely put up his hand to stop me.

"And now you genuinely have feelings for him?"

"That is not at all what I said."

There are no romantic feelings there, but I can't lie and say I'm not physically attracted to him.

The way he speaks when he's allowing himself to actually feel, even if what he's feeling is rage. The way his eyes linger on my face, tricking me into thinking they're on my lips. His body language, proving that even if he hates me the way I hate him, he also feels some type of attraction to me.