I'm so sorry (yaoi)

Chapter 7: Am i dead?

TRIGGER WARNING: Eating disorder, abuse, self-harm, sexual assault, rape

I woke up from the floor, couldn't move. I had a blurry vision and i thought: am i dead? I'm trying to remember what happened, when it suddenly hit me, i started to panic. I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE, i thought. I look around, everything is red. There's a big wound on my leg.
I feel weaker than ever. I hear someone walk to the door and open it. She sees me and starts banging on the walls with a terrified expression on her face, i think she's mute. She threw up. A nurse ran there, thought that she has an attack or something. But no, the girl starts pointing at me and speaking sign language.
The nurse saw me and called an ambulance. This is a mental hospital isolated from the rest of the world, in the middle of a forest. I wonder am i going to die, is the ambulance going to be here on time? I pass out while the nurse is there holding my hand.
After some while i wake up in the ambulance, the paramedics talk russian to me, but i can't understand it. Why can't I understand my own language? I'm so scared what might happen to me, will i ever be able to dance ever again? I finally started to get better, because the paramedics are giving me blood that i had lost on the floor. Their talking starts to make more sense now.

Yuri: Am i alive?..
Paramedic: Yes, you are alive, if we would have been even 5 minutes late, you would probably be dead now.
Yuri: When can i go home?
Paramedic: The doctor will decide that.

*At the hospital*

I'm in a room that looks the same as earlier. Same fucking machine is there beeping next to my ear. The doctor called Yukov. Only after 10 minutes of calling him, he arrived at the hospital.

Yukov: YURI? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?

I couldn't look at Yukov in the eyes. Eye contact feels like it would hurt. I just keep looking down.

Yuri: Something horrible happened..
Yukov: Could we have some alone time?

The doctor walked out of the room and told us that he would be back in 15 minutes. Yukov tries to grab Yuri's hand.

Yuri: Please don't touch me.
Yukov: Why? What's wrong?
Yuri: I..

I became quiet, i can't get a single word out of my mouth.

Yukov: What?

Yukov looks at me with an understanding expression on his face, even though he has no idea what has happened.

Yuri: I got raped..... He tried to kill me.

Tears start to fall down my face. I look down, they make little wet spots on my sheets.

Yukov: Oh god..

I had never seen Yukov cry, but now he's crying while he's hugging me. I feel empty, i don't know what to feel like. I'm not sure who should i trust and who not. I'm scared of losing someone, or losing myself.
I feel like i'm gonna go crazy, then i would actually belong in the mental hospital. While i was there, i didn't feel like that's the right place for me. Other people there had much different and more serious problems than i did. I hope that man goes to prison.

Yukov: I was so scared that i might lose you, i love you so much and i don't know what to do without you.
Yuri: Love me?
Yukov: Yes, i really love you. I have been too scared to tell you that.
Yuri: I've felt the same way.. But i thought that you were straight.
Yukov: I thought so too.. But i guess i like both, girls and boys. Of course i knew that u were gay, but i was too scared if i ruin something.
Yuri: Of course you wouldn't have ruined anything, if i didnt feel the same way, we would still be friends.

Yukov leans forward and Yuri hesitates and looks away. Yukov smiles and kisses Yuri. I felt like i escaped from reality, it was all i had ever wanted. Even though my mind gives me flashbacks of that man, i still could enjoy being with Yukov. The thing that happened, feels unreal. I don't feel like it happened, but when i look down or where i am, i'm sure it happened.