My Lifeline

31

I don't go to school the next day. Instead, I lay in my bed and stare at my cream coloured wall, repeatedly scanning over the cracks. I'm not thinking about anything, I don't even feel anything. I'm just there. An emotionless wreck who has no ambitions in life with no idea what to make of the future.

I really hate mental health. It was only the other day when I was in class with Will, giggling silently because we were whispering every time Mr Peters turned around to face the board. Now I hate everything.

That's the thing about me. I'm hot and cold. I never know whether I'll be happy or distraught.

I'm so tired. I am so, so tired.

I start to contemplate life, I begin to wonder what I'm even doing here. Is there a reason? I don't think so. I see no future for myself, so what is there to look forward for? What exactly am I living for? I'm walking this path that isn't illuminated for me in the darkness.

Nothing feels real anymore. Everything feel like a dream. Or more specifically, a nightmare.

Everyday I'm just sad. I try to be happy, but I don't know how to be happy. It's not just one of those things that I can teach myself to do. I just have to sort of deal with it.

I've thought about leaving ten times today. But I just can't do that. I keep thinking about my family and about Will and the sheer guilt they will feel. I don't want to pass this pain onto them.

If I leave, no one will ever know how hard I tried to survive.

* * *

There's a knock at my front door at half past three. I stay in bed and wait for whoever it is to realise that no one's in and leave, but this person is persistent and they do not give up.

I close my eyes and sigh before I force myself out of bed and drag my body to the front door. I don't bother to brush my hair or check how I look in the mirror, I just open the door and allow the mystery person to see the worst parts of me that will leave them with nightmares.

My eyes widen when they set on Will.

He's wearing a large coat with his hands dug into the pockets, black joggers, and his usual Nike trainers. There's a beanie on his head, keeping his ears warm and protecting his hair from the weather.

His face drops when he sees me.

I want to hide myself from him. I look like a complete mess.

"I missed you at school," he says, his eyes still trailing over my pale, cracked skin.

"I'm ill," I quickly make an excuse. "Did I miss much?"

"Not a lot, other than Ryan and Lola flirting, but that's nothing new. Can I come in?"

I clear my throat and allow him to step in where he immediately takes off his coat, trainers and beanie.

"It's freezing out there," he informs me, rubbing his hands together.

I wrap my arms around myself as we head to the kitchen so he can have a drink. A coffee this time, because apparently he needs to wake himself up. I could probably use some of that, but I just stick to tea. Coffee makes me feel funny.

He's sitting across from me at the counter, refusing to stop staring at me. It makes me fidget in my seat.

"You doing okay?" he asks.