all the things i never said

long way down

I'm falling and it's a long way down

I can't do this anymore. Not any more. My heart breaks little by little every day. You heal it, and you break it again. And I let you. Every fucking time. I am fucking tired of this shit. I really thought we could make it. This could be our last chance and we would make the best of it. But I'm never right, am I? In fact, to be honest, i don't think that i had much hope from the beginning either. But I fucking love you and I really wish I could let go of the part of myself that still, even after everything, feels so much for you. But that might end up being the entirety of myself. I absolutely hate it. I don't wanna do this anymore. The same cycle getting repeated every fucking day. Me loving you a little more and you caring about me a lot less. I wanted this to be me and you against the world. I feel my heart getting swelled up with hurt, pain, betrayal and loss. And I don't know what I can do about it. I question myself every day. Why did I choose you? Why did my heart choose to love your messed up one?

And even if I accept the fact that you do love me, I don't think it could be enough. Only because of my messed up head. I have loved you for 3 years. My mind is full of scenarios of us. And when I found that you love me too, my mind instantly thought I would get what I have always wished for. But that's not it. That will always remain in my imagination. I will keep expecting from you, and you will keep on delivering disappointment and i'm fucking exhausted. Because the truth is that you'll never care for me the way I do for you and you will never love me as I love you.

Every time you messed up, I always forgave you in the end and you know that. You say you don't deserve me and you are most definitely right. I don't think I deserve to feel this much hurt and pain. But you know what it comes down to? It comes down to the fact that I fucking don't want better. I want you. I have always wanted you and the worst part of all of this is that I almost had you. I almost got what I have always wanted and now, im gonna lose you all over again. It's gonna hurt like a bitch. I don't think ill be able to survive this and come out of this as a person who'll ever be okay, not even eventually. 

Walking away again this time is gonna be harder than ever, knowing well enough that you do love me, even if it is in your own twisted way.