all the things i never said

timing's a bitch.

I always wonder what fate has in store for us. We always keep coming back to each other but it never seems to work out. When I was ready to give it my all, you weren't. You weren't ready to commit to me, you didn't love me enough to actually be with me. 

Guess the story of us didn't end after all. You came back. You didn't actually leave but the part of you that left, came back. You said you cried for the first time in forever and it was because of me, because you realized what you had lost, 23rd march. You said, "I want you to be mine", you said there are a thousand better people but you didn't want them, you wanted me, you said I changed your life in ways I didn't know, you said you started to feel more because of me. You said I was always there for you and you didn't feel so alone anymore in that goddamn world. Do you realize how special that made me feel? Okay but when you kind of whined and said fucking tell me what you want in that it made my fucking go crazy. You said you wanted to hold me and not let me go. Do you just like me because there is no one else for you?

And now, everyone is saying I'm fucking stupid, that I shouldn't trust you, that I should stop and not listen to your words which make me melt. But I guess the truth is that I maybe I don't believe you either fully. I'm scared that I'm not being able to differentiate between comfort and actual feelings for you. I want you to make the effort this time. Last time we did this, our friendship survived. This time, I'm scared it won't. 

"This love is good, this love is bad, this love is alive from the dead. These hands had to let it go free, and this love came back to me."

Am I chasing something from my past? Am I just wanting to this because I want an experience before college? Because I want to try something new? Hello goodbye and everything in between- we're not setting an end date to us right? Before I leave for college. But if we actually do something this time, it needs to be on my terms. I need you to be 1000% sure. I need you to make efforts. I just need you to do more. Because I don't know how much I have left. If you're fully into this, I'm scared I will hurt you because I'm not sure if I am. 

Now that so much time has passed and you are ready, I think I have finally moved on. After years of wondering if I ever will, I think my heart doesn't want to be with yours anymore. Yes of course I still love you and I have so much care for you, but I think I have stopped being in love with you. But I also believe that if we see each other after a few years, we both might be ready to try again. We might be ready to finally see what we could become. Because now maybe it's just childhood love but the uncertainty and restlessness of our minds forbid us to actually try. And that kind of really sucks.

In the end, what can we do? Timing really is a bitch.