Family Secrets

CHAPTER 12

April stared at her friend trying to figure out why she was so oblivious to Austin's feelings for her. She paused the movie and turned toward Jasmine after she told her about the strange conversation she had with Austin. "Why are you torturing that man?" April demanded. "What do you mean?" Jasmine asked chewing on some popcorn.

"I don't follow," Jasmine continued. "My beautiful and naive friend, Austin is in love with you. You are blind as a bat if you can't see it," April explained. Jasmine was shocked and did not think it was possible. "We are just close friends," Jasmine admitted. "He spends way too much time with you to simply want to be only your friend. That man is crazy about you and I think he wants to tell you how he feels," April stated.

"We simply hang out, watch movies, go to church from time to time, discuss the bible, talk about our families, work, and enjoy dinner together. I don't think that means he is in love with me," Jasmine pointed out trying not to listen to April's suggestion. "He stares at you constantly. I have seen it when we did that double date. He is invested in you, your past relationships, and the charities you are a part of. Look at the last conversation. He does not mind others thinking you two are together," April pointed out hoping Jasmine would finally pick up on the signals she never recognized before.

Jasmine swallowed and hated to admit the truth. Could April be on to something? "I don't know what to say. It's been six months since we talked about everything other than our friendship," Jasmine admitted. "You need to figure out your feelings before he reveals his. I think he is perfect for you. You have my blessings. I could see how he feels about you," April further explained.

"Can we watch the movie?" Jasmine asked annoyed. As they continued to watch Jasmine could only think about Austin and was suddenly super nervous about the dinner date she had promised him. How could she even begin to love him when she was learning to love herself? Her relationship with God was growing rapidly but walls and insecurities still plagued her. Somehow she felt she still was not good enough for him and needed to figure out how to get over this mountain. She had to believe what God said about her and be willing to be vulnerable. 

Austin could feel his sweaty hands and rapid heartbeat. He looked up occasionally at Jasmine. She was strangely quiet only making him even more nervous. This was it now or never. He wanted to push Jasmine into acknowledging there was something deeper developing between them. Jasmine watched Austin without trying to be obvious. She could see he was yearning to tell her something. "The meal was nice," she finally spoke. "Glad you like it," he smiled with sparkling eyes. "Can we talk?" he said reaching for her hands. Jasmine felt her heart beating rapidly and gasped when he took her hands. Jasmine felt like she couldn't breathe when her hands touched his. The touch was electrifying.

Jasmine simply nodded with no words to say. They sat down together on the sofa. Austin was battling in his mind if it was a good time to tell her or not. But when would it be a good time? He felt as if he didn't push a little Jasmine would never see him anymore than a friend. "Jasmine coming to Atlanta was a blessing. Five years ago I reconnected with my family and joined the company once again. The work was exciting but meeting you was far more rewarding. The hardworking, steadfast and productive Jasmine Patterson appeared out of nowhere. Your passion, drive, and excitement for work were contagious. I was impressed and attracted to you from day one. The years went by but my heart still would not let go of pursuing what could be. Then the incident occurred with Coleman and you called me and from that moment I never left your side. To make things even more intriguing you brought into my life a new focus when it comes to my faith and connection with God," he stated searching her eyes. 

"Jasmine, you, your life, and your story have impacted me in more ways than one. I can't get enough of your smile, your laugh, your presence, and your view of the world and of God. Five years and six months to this present date I think I have been falling in love with you. I am convinced that Jasmine Patterson all I want to do is love you, protect you, pamper you and spend every day with you. Six months ago I kissed you and ever since then I have longed and wanted to kiss you and hold you. Jasmine, I love you with all my heart. As much as I love being your friend, I would love it if you would give us a chance at love," Austin confessed kissing her hands.

Jasmine was in awe of what was happening. Did he just say that he loved her? Did he just say he wanted more than a friendship? She felt overwhelmed at the moment and did not want to say it just not yet. Of course, she adored this man with all her heart but she did not know if she was emotionally ready to invest in a relationship. Austin did not want to appear disappointed. Of course, he would have loved to hear I love you too. However, he was sensitive and knew there were many dynamics when it came to understanding Jasmine. He knew the abuse had messed up her perception of love.

"Austin..... I don't know what to say. I thought we were good the way things were between us. You have been so good to me and I don't take our friendship for granted," Jasmine confessed. Austin swallowed and closed his eyes. He did not like the direction this was heading. He needed something from her after confessing his heart. "Do you feel anything for me?" he asked trying not to sound desperate. He had women from his past crazy about him. But here he was the vulnerable one wanting somebody so badly. "That's not it. I am......... just still so messed up but trying you know. Some days I am really good and enjoying the moment. On other days my past, the memories or a nightmare takes me back to those moments I want to forget. I  am an emotional wreck sometimes and other times I am happy," Jasmine started to tremble explaining her words. 

Austin found that hope he needed. She did not admit not to loving him. He believed she was afraid to and did not know how. "Jasmine you have to at least try. You talk about wanting a husband, a family, and children one day. I am right here standing in front of you and letting you know I want the same things with you. Promise me you will think about us being more," he said reassuring her. Jasmine closed her eyes and asked the hard question.

"What if I am not ready? Are you going to walk out of my life?" Jasmine asked him staring deeply into his eyes. "I won't lie it will hurt because I love you and want more for us. I don't know how long I can survive simply just being your friend when I want something more," He said as honestly as he could. Jasmine sat back in silence wondering why it was so difficult to simply have a normal relationship. Why did her life have to be so complicated? 

Austin watched her and his heart ached. He wondered why she had self-doubt all this time. "I am not him. I will never hurt you. You have to find within yourself the courage to love yourself or else your uncle wins. You will always be the victim if you don't move on with your life," Austin said frustrated. 

Jasmine got angry that he went there. "I never compared you to my rapist. Do you know what it feels like to be raped for two years? My body never felt like my own for years. My innocence was lost and I could never get it back. So forgive me if I can't reciprocate your feelings the way you want. I lived with shame, disgust, and unworthiness for a long time," she explained getting her keys to leave. 

"At least you are finally showing some emotions. Jesus is what is different about you. You don't have to be walking in shame and guilt. You also have a man who does not care about your past but loves who you are now," Austin said. "Please don't leave like this," he said gently touching her hands.

"Austin....... I can't be here right now with you. You said you would move at my pace but now it feels like you are giving me an ultimatum. I need time to think about this," she said letting go of his hands. Jasmine hugged him and said, "I guess we will talk later."

He watched as she left trying to figure out what to do. The last thing he wanted was to push her too much and lose her.