It's been a whole month since Nick's death and I can't say I am completely better. It's been difficult getting up and working or even taking care of myself. Usually it takes either Newt or Chuck to help me or even force me to eat and shower.
Alby hasn't really said much about my slacking off in the fields as long as I was getting something done. I would work for about an hour and then slip into a far away state, being that way until the work day was over.
I haven't really talked to Minho much since I've stopped running and he hasn't really talked to me. We ended up arguing and it wasn't that he blamed me but he blamed himself for not trying harder to hold me back. Though he did call me an idiot for risking my life. Apparently memories of Nick weren't worth my life.
We still sat at the same table but he didn't look at me. Which I was fine with, I didn't really interact with anyone else. Which I felt bad about considering I told Chuck I would protect him. He's been getting picked on by the other boys because he got the job of Slopper. He didn't really excel at the other jobs.
Even if I wanted to stop the bullies, no one took me seriously anymore. I was once again a traitor, murder and I knew Gally was at the head of the hate.
But I couldn't bring myself to care or try to convince them otherwise.
Now it was time for a new Greenie and I found myself standing at the boys, chewing at my already but down nails.
Newt grabbed my hand and held it at his side. It had become his habit to stop me from my destructive one. And thought I was sort of grateful. I wish he wouldn't. It helped to distract me from any bad thoughts. And I couldn't bite my other one, it was the only reason I was chewing on this one. I had almost nothing left of that one.
"D'you think it'll be another girl?" Chuck asked with too much energy. He was an odd one. Even with all of the negativity around him, he still found a way to be joyful. It was hard to be around when all I felt was sadness and anger.
"I hope not." I looked at the boys around me. I wondered how many of them had the same thought. They had hoped the same thing last time and instead got Chuck. I was sure that was a disappointment. But I knew if another girl came up, it would be nothing but misery and I wouldn't be able to help her. Not in this state. I couldn't even help myself.
Chuck had calmed down a bit and I saw him staring at me with sad eyes. I hadn't meant to be harsh with my words. But Chuck was still a child and didn't understand what these boys could do. I had made sure he never heard what happened to me, just that I was attacked. Hurt in a way I could never recover from. I was glad he hadn't been a girl.
"He should be coming up any minute now." Newt muttered, letting go of my hand so he could wipe the sweat off his. I couldn't really say what my relationship with Newt was, it was like he found an excuse to hold my hand, and it wasn't like I was telling him no. I was just glad he was there to help me.
The box clanged against the doors and I heard the greenie scream, definitely a boy. Gally and Newt pulled the doors open and everyone pushed to the opening. I hung back, not really caring to see the greenie.
Alby yelled for the rope and they pulled the boy out. He stared around at his new home, Gally calling out some insults and Alby silencing him. I sighed and walked away from the group. No one really had to be around when the greenie came up or even had to stick around, but everyone else was curious. So they stayed.
I made my way to the gardens, finishing my row of tomatoes. I decided since everyone else was still busy with greenie, I would pick up some of my slack. The fruits weren't going to pick themselves.
Newt came back some time later when I was on to the oranges. Actually everyone was making their way back. "Alby was not cut out for being leader." He joked.
