"You know what I.. LOVE about pineapples, Petty Officer (L/N)?"
"I'm not a pett-"
"They eat you back. They're violent. They eat you while you give them the same treatment, making your mouth sting."
"Melon-cha-"
"Did you know, in rare occasions, they can make you bleed, officer (L/N)?"
"Why did you lock m-"
"So, that begs the question.. why would you leave out a fresh, untouched pineapple, and not realize I'm going to eat it?"
"M-"
"You knew, of course, officer."
He spun in his chair, fingers together.
"You were planning on it. You left it out as a trap because you knew I can't resist pineapple."
"Melon, that's really not my fau-"
"And of course, it nearly killed me. I barely survived. You picked the most vicious pineapple. We can have you tried for attempted murder, officer (L/N)."
"For God's sake, let me go."
He slams his hand down on the desk.
"Offic-"
The doors opened, making you two go quiet. Lucifer stood there in confusion.
"Melon-chan, get out of my office. I'm going to change the Deadflix account, you clearly have watched too much NCIS."
"LUCIFER, YOU LET THE SUSPECT GO!!"
"(Y/N) isn't a suspect, stop being an idiot. Go watch cocoa melon, this NCIS crap is getting to your head."
"Is not!"
"You're writing a crack fic about it."
"You have no proof!"
"(Y/N) is READING IT now. I'm so sorry about them, NCIS addict."
Lucifer sighs, apologising to you through the fourth wall.
"Their fault for reading it."
Agent DiNozzo shrugs.
The end, because, I watch too much NCIS. Also my mouth burns. Too much pineapple. It fought back well. 😭😢
