Red VS Blue: Agent New Mexico

3: The Rookies

Simmons and Grif are on top of Red Base. A soldier in red armor, Donut is walking up the ramp behind them.

Simmons: Hey, that's not exactly what happened.

Grif: Yes, it is. You said, "I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant," and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for-

Donut: Excuse me, uh, sirs.

Grif: Sirs? (Turns to Donut) Ah, crap.

Donut: I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge.

Grif: Sorry man, Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today.

Simmons: Actually, Private, he left me in charge while he's gone.

Grif: You are such a kiss-ass.

Simmons: Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should... (clears throat then poorly imitates Sarge) "Git in the Warthog and crush yer head like a tomato can."

Grif: That's the worst impression I've ever heard.

Simmons: Okay rookie, what's your story?

Donut: Private Donut reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens.

Grif: Couple things here, rookie. First off, Private Donut? I think somebody needs a new nickname. Secondly, what's with the armor color?

Donut: This IS the standard issue red.

Grif: Yeah, I know. Listen. Only two kinds of people wear standard-issue armor: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer.

Donut: (Looks at Simmons) Well, he's wearing red armor.

Simmons: No, my armor is maroon. Your armor is red.

Donut: Well, how do I get a different color armor?

Simmons: I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap.

Church, Tucker, Arroyo, and a soldier in standard-issue blue, Caboose are looking at a tank.

Caboose: So I say to the guy, "How're you gonna get the tank down to the planet?" And he goes, "I'll just put it on the ship," and I go, "If you've got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?"

Tucker: Hey, kid.

Caboose: Yeah?

Tucker: You're ruining the moment. Shut up.

Caboose: Oh. Okay. You got it, man!

Arroyo: Tucker, be a little nicer to the rookie. He just got here man.

Church: You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing.

Arroyo: I'm a little concerned that was your first thought when you saw the tank Church.

Church: Let me just have this moment before you guys ruin it for me.

Cut to the Reds.

Simmons: Okay, Private Donut, here's the deal.

Grif: I just refuse to call him Private Donut!

Simmons: We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?

Donut: Absolutely!

Simmons: We need you to go to the store, and get two quarts of elbow grease.

Grif: Yeah and uh, pick up some headlight fluid for the Puma too.

Donut: The what?

Simmons: He means the Warthog.

Grif: You do know where the store is, right, Rookie?

Donut: What? Yeah, yeah, of course I do. Sure, no problem.

Simmons: Well, get going then.

Donut starts running across the base.

Grif: Other way.

Donut turns around and goes the other way.

Donut: I knew that. Just got turned around that's all.

Grif and Simmons watch Donut running off into the Gulch.

Simmons: How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?

Grif: I say... at least a week.

Donut runs through the Gulch, stops, and turns to talk to himself.

Donut: Elbow grease... How stupid do they think I am? Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna talk to the Sergeant.

Cut to the Blues.

Tucker: You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece.

Church: Oh man, listen to you. What're you gonna do with two chicks?

Tucker: Church, women are like Voltron: The more you can hook up, the better it gets, am I right Arroyo?

Arroyo: Yea, I'm not gonna even acknowledge what you just ask me.

Tucker: Whatever man, you just haven't lived the life I had.

Arroyo: Thank god for that.

Cut to Grif and Simmons.

Simmons: You think that we were too mean to the kid?

Grif: Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliffs for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?

Donut approaches Blue Base.

Donut: Finally, there it is. ...Oh sweet! They sell tanks!