The Days Before 16

Chapter 12 Contiued Part 6

Wednesday 27 May, 2015

Perfect. He also said that nothing compares to me. He just said he didn't care about my appearance or anything as long as I was me. Wait did that mean me as in now or me as in the version of me that remembered him? Who was he? Who was I? Did I really mean that much to him? How did I feel towards him? Why did I feel this way toward him?
"You just said I was perfect." I whispered in disbelief.
"Yes I did." he said.
"Do you really feel that way about me? Are you really saying that, to you, nothing compares to me? But is that just the normal me, the me right now, or is it the me that remembers you?" I said. He seemed lost for words. I waited. He didn't answer. He was thinking and choosing his words. My heart seemed to stop and break as I realised he meant the other me. The one that remembered who he was. I stepped backwards and out of his hands. I should've known better. I shouldn't have let myself feel like that toward him. I was setting myself up for heartbreak. Plus I was setting myself up for losing my best friend. How could I do this to her? I was acting so selfish. He opened his mouth to say something but then I started acting childish. I covered my ears with my hands, meaning I couldn't hear him. I was in over my head. I was lost and I followed the person who seemed to know something I didn't know about myself. I had been stupid and hadn't thought. I had just gone along with everything without even thinking. How could I have done this to myself? How could I have just turned off my mind when it came to Trevor and Daniel? I came here for answers but ended up with more questions and heartache instead. I should've just gone over to Sonny's house. It had been a rough day and I'd had enough. I couldn't believe it was only Thursday. I still had Friday to go. I couldn't believe this week. It must have been the worst and hardest week in the world. Nobody could've had a worse week then me.
"Please. Don't shut me out. Please." He said desperately. I guess he was wrong about me. I guess he could be hurt by anything I do. I lowered my hands from my ears and let them drop back to my side.
"I need to go." I said.
"Please." He begged. I didn't answer him. I started walking toward the doorway of the kitchen. Unfortunately he was between the doorway and me. He didn't let me pass.
"Get out of the way." I said sternly. He didn't.
"No."
"No?"
"Yes, no."
"Just get out of my way."
"Where are you gonna go?"
"Just to the spare room. Or, what? Now I'm not good enough for the spare room? What, now I have to remember that I'd been there before?" I said harshly. His jaw clenched. He was frustrated. Good, I hope he was.
"I never said you weren't good enough." He said through clenched teeth.
"You didn't have to say it. I saw it. And I know. Just then you were choosing your words carefully so you didn't hurt me. Look, its fine. Ok. Whatever, I don't care anymore. You can just wait for your perfect version of me to show up. I don't know how long that will take but you're welcome to wait. When she comes around I'll come find you." I spat bitterly. His nostrils flared and his jaw tensed. I walked forward and this time he let me pass. I hit his shoulder as I passed. He grabbed my arm and spun me around so that I was facing him. He stepped closer to me and he tilted my head up even though I was resisting, it didn't stop him. It didn't even bother him one bit. As he was leaning down to kiss me I made him stop. Completely.
"Do even feel? Do you even like me? No, sorry, you claim to love me. So do you? Do you even feel anything towards me or are you going off the distant memory of loving me?" I said. I grabbed his arms and yanked them away from my face. I shoved them back at him. He just stood there looking as if I'd just broken his heart. Good I hope I did. Maybe then he'll think twice about messing with me. I also got harsh when I'm hurt, but so did everyone else. I walked out of the kitchen in tears. If Daniel's house was the same as tonight I don't think I'd be able to cope. Elizabeth had told me to love them and trust them but how could I? I didn't know them like she did. I couldn't remember the stories she told me about them. In fact I couldn't remember any of the stories she told me. I walked into the spare room, shut the door behind me and went to the bed. I went to the bed from the left side though because the right had the broken glass still on the floor. I sat on the bed then after a moment I took off my shoes. I moved so I was in the middle of the bed and I raised my knees to my chest and wrapped my arms around them. I laid my forehead on my knees and cried silently. I hadn't meant to say those things to him so harshly. He obviously cared for me even if I was the version before I remembered. He showed that every time I saw him. I saw it in his eyes, his face, his body language when he looked toward me or was with me. He protected me from Daniel today. I had wanted to kiss Daniel but not like that. Trevor had shown his heart to me. He had opened himself up to me, for me, and I'd hurt him. Hurt him more than he hurt me. I don't think he actually did hurt me. I think it was because of what happened at my house and I just let him cop all the hurt and rage I felt- I needed someone to blame and let it all out on someone and he had just been there. I fell back and covered my face with my hands. What had I done? I had to make this right. This was my fault. I had to fix it. I rolled over to the edge of the bed. I slipped my feet back into my shoes. I looked down at them and took them off again. I walked across the wooden floor to the door but stopped. What would happen if I did this? Would he try to kiss me again? What would happen if I didn't? I sucked in a breath, breathed out and opened the door with confidence I didn't feel a second ago. I went back to the kitchen. He wasn't there. Where was he? I checked the living room again. He still wasn't there. Where could he be? He could be anywhere in this house and I had no idea where to look. But then I thought about what I do when I'm upset- I go to my room. I walked back down the hallway, past the kitchen, past the bathroom, the spare room, to the end of the hall. I raised my hand to knock but hesitated. I was nervous. You have to do this, Willow. You caused this, you have to fix it and before I could change my mind I knocked on his door. I hope he didn't slam it in my face like I did to him. Oh. I just found another instance where I'd hurt him. Man he must have felt like crap after that. I wiped at my face with the back of my hand one last time just to make sure there were no tears there. He opened the door just enough to stick his head out. I looked down embarrassed for my actions and for what I said before. I thought I could do this but being here about to say it to him, I couldn't get the words out.
"I-" I started but was cut off by his sigh. I looked up at him. He had an arm at about the level of his head against the doorframe and his other hand I think was holding the door handle on the inside. He still hadn't put on a shirt. Great. Like I needed another reason to feel bad. Well I was glad that I felt bad. I should. "I am-" I started again. And like before he silenced me.
"I know. But still, ouch. It hurt, I'll admit it. By the way if you hadn't already figured it out, yes, I do have feelings." He said.
"I am so sorry. I didn't mean any of it, trust me-"
"Oh I do trust you." He cut in.
"Ok. But I seriously didn't mean any of it. I was acting like an idiot. It's just that this week has been full on. No thanks to you, by the way. And really? You really had to do that to me?" I said.
"Do what? What did I do?" he asked.
"Like you don't know."
"I really don't. What happened?" he said starting to get concerned.
"Wait, you seriously have no idea what I'm talking about?" I asked worried.
"No I don't know what you're talking about. Can you tell me what's happened over the last week?"
"Oh my God, if you didn't do it, then who did? I thought. I thought it was you. I thought it was all you. We never considered anybody else doing this." I said starting to panic. I ran my right hand through my hair nervously. I grabbed my hair band and put it around my wrist. "If it wasn't you then who? Who else could have done this?" I whispered out loud.
"Hey, can you tell me what's going on? What happened? What did you think I did?"
"Oh."
"What?"
"What I think you did."
"Tell me."
"But."
"But what? Come on, you're killing me here! Remember, you can trust me and you've bought it up now so you have to tell me."
"Ok. But do I have to like this?" I said. I felt awkward standing outside his door. He looked at me for a second then realised what I meant. Good. I thought he was about to come out and we'd go to the living room where I'd tell him but instead he opened the door wider. Was he telling me to enter? I looked at his face then at the door then back at his face. It was exactly like what I did with Daniel today at school.
"Well?" he asked.
"This isn't what I meant." I said as I stepped inside.
"I know." He said with a wicked smile. I looked away from him and looked around his room. It was big, like mine. It also had the desk on the left, bed in the middle of the room, bathroom on the left hand side and the chest of draws and closets on the right. He also had a bookshelf but I doubt he read what I read. My eyes were drawn back to the bed in the middle of the room. It was big and high and the frame was made of the most beautiful dark wood I'd ever seen.
"I knew you'd keep that." I said out loud accidently.
"Wait, you've seen that before?" he asked surprised.
"Um yeah. I have."
"Where?"
"Oh, you know, around."
"No seriously, where?" he asked. I turned around to face him.
"I saw it just before. When I fell."
"What?"
"Let me explain."
"Ok. I'm all ears. Come. Sit." He said, grabbed my hand and led me to his bed. He jumped onto his bed and moved into the middle where he laid down and prompted himself up on his elbow. He put his head in his hand. While he got on comfortably I sat down on the bed awkwardly. I ended up sitting cross legged facing him.
"Are you sure you want to know?"
"Yes I'm sure." He said. I looked down at my hands in my lap and took a deep breath.