The mafia I married

35

~Ezra~

I've never been good. Not to anyone. Well there I lied. There was a time in my life were I was good. That was before I was forced to shoot my own mother. It still feels unreal. How could a son ever shoot his mother you think. I know it's horrible, I'm horrible.

It's not something I'm proud of and trust me it has haunted me ever since that day. Before Amelia I had almost panic attacks every night.

I have a room in the house that I would call my panic room I don't let anybody in there. It's just an empty room. I always go there when I am having an panic attack.

When I was around 10 years old father trained me every day. He said that I would be strong and everybody would fear me in the future. As a kid I didn't want that of course. So I made my own rules. I got some nice friends. I had fun for a total of 3 days before my father found out about them. He said friends make you weak and vulnerable.

I don't know what he wanted from me at that age. He wanted so much from a 10 year old kid that I in the end just gave up. He killed a lot of my friends. Some he made me shoot. He told me
I would die if I didn't kill them, and of course I was scared. This man was and still is a monster.

I then started to harm myself for all the people I had hurt. To be a Perez and harm myself didn't sound too good. People thought I was going to grow up and be weak. Of corse father didn't want that. He wanted a solider, a fighter, a monster. He wanted me on his side to scare the whole world. That's what he got. A son who scare death himself.

At this time i stopped to harm myself just because father threatened to murder me. I did everything he told me at this point. And soon I had become a weapon more than a human.
Sometimes when father thought I needed some surviving skills he would cut my leg open and leave me in the woods. He said I should know what to do if something like this happens to me. Like that I learned to stitch my own wounds.

My mom was.... She was beautiful. Her smile were my daily dose of happiness. Sometimes I purposely got sick just because she would take care of me for a whole day. Being with her was the only thing that made me smile at that time. She was gentle and her hugs were safe. I remember her smell as if it was today I hugged her.

This one day I heard a big fight downstairs. I was used to mom and dad fighting but this time it was different. Mom was screaming for help. I ran down to my mothers call and saw father slapping her. Again and again he wouldn't stop. I was so scared of him but I put on my big boy pants and finally decided to stop him. I didn't want  any of this life if my mother was hurting.  To see her happy was all I lived for.

I grabbed his arm making him pause. His eyes were dark. So fucking dark and cold. "Oh good son, let's finish this together" he said. I remember I hugged my mom for a second before dad dragged me some steps back and gave me a gun.

It wasn't anything new he had thought me to use one many times and I was quite good at shooting. But now? I couldn't understand why he handed me this. What was I supposed to do with a gun in the middle of their fight.

"Shoot her as I've taught you son" father had said. It was terrifying. To see my mother cry made me cry. I stood there sobbing wondering why I always had to kill those I love.

I begged him to not do this. She was my mother, my only happiness. Mom gave me a nod. "It's fine honey" mom mouthed the words. "Mommy will always love you" she had said but I don't think she would love me if she knew how horrible I am today.
"Kill or you both will be killed" father had said. I cried because I was just a child. And in a second I turned my head and shot her.

The sight of her falling to the floor and blood getting everywhere in the house has haunted me ever since that day. I cried over her dead body. The body I had just killed.

"Good job son now you have nothing to lose, let's clean this blood" father had whispered in my ear. The body was dragged out and left a blood train on the floor. I was the one who had to clean it up. Scrub the floor with soap and towels. It was a nightmare. After that day I shut my emotions. It was almost scary how I switched, almost like someone pushed a no emotion button. I was empty. My heart had never felt this alone. And that day I decided to never let anyone in again. I never wanted to experience this pain ever again. I shut everybody out. I became what my father always wanted me to be. And as I grew I became even scarier. I was the talk of the town and soon every mafia knew who I was.

Even my own father was scared of me. By the time I turned 18 he had no more control over me. I was stronger than him but couldn't find the courage to kill him. I have tried so many times to kill him since I was little, but in the end I back off. I just can't do it. I've tried so fucking many times. But every time I drop the gun and cry.

I don't know what's stopping me. Maybe because he is all I have left of what people call family. Or maybe because I see a part of myself in him, I don't know what it is but it's impossible for me to kill him.

How terrible he may be I just can't.

I'm not ready to tell Amelia this. Maybe one day but I've never in my 19 years told anyone about my past. It's just something I have to carry for the rest of my life. It's been easier with her near me but still I get my panic attacks once in a while.

It's been nice that father has been away for a while. I wonder when he turns back. He always arrives at the worst times.

So we got to know more about his past :(

I want to thank each one of you guys for 100k readers!