Piece by Piece

29. The Plunge

The words had escaped his lips in the heat of the moment from the depths of his despair. Because as he yelled at her and tried to push her back, the thought of losing her killed him.

There was no turning back from the moment she'd followed him into the gym. Maybe something could have been salvaged if she'd just let it slide. Tormented herself about the meaning of his words, but kept her usual cowardice and allowed him to get away with it.

Yet, it was her unexpected bravery that had endeared her to him more than anything. How she could rise above her condition and fight for what she wanted. This time, she wanted him, and the moment she admitted that, it was even harder to escape.

Yes, he could have pushed her back. He could have screamed it in her face that he didn't love her, even if it would have been a lie. But the way she looked at him, the fire in her eyes... It reminded him of his parents again, of how they'd sometimes fight so passionately.

It made him think that there was no reason for him to throw away something he wanted, what was probably the best thing in his life at the moment. And all for what? His inner demons? She'd proved more than once that she could drive them away.

He didn't want to lose her. The reality of it had turned him desperate. He didn't want to hurt her. This particular realization was shocking, because he'd always thought she didn't matter, that their relationship was all about teasing and brutal honesty. Until it wasn't anymore. He wouldn't allow anyone to hurt her, and he wasn't the exception.

All this led to that moment when she'd pushed. And when she did, the words came out because he knew that was what she wanted to hear. He'd never thought he meant them. But the moment she said what he wanted to hear, he realized he might.

Because what was love if not this? Wanting to protect her, to see her smile? To kiss her, touch her and do so much more to her? What more was there to it? Did it need to be more?

His mind buzzed and he had no idea what to do with himself. So he sat on the front steps of his house, his hands under his chin, staring blindly at the house across the street.

He was confused.

He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt this way, but he was sure that when it had last happened, his father had been there to guide him. An unpleasant idea formed itself as he came to realize how much he had always depended on his father. In his endeavor to make him independent, Sirius had strewn invisible strings that tied them together with his mysteries and promises for information. He'd created and independent dependent man.

"How ironic," he mumbled into the wind. And how ironic that he hadn't figured that out until a certain dependency had formed for someone else.

So this time, the need for his father felt different. Like the true need for advice from a parent. Advice about feelings and the fear he felt that he was reading this wrong, pushing away what was supposed to be happiness for the sake of... For the sake of what, really? His stubbornness? His impulse to push everyone away and stay lonely and miserable?

This was why he needed advice. Because right then, he couldn't tell whether there were legitimate reasons to push Millie away or not. If he truly was in love with her or not. What would his father say?

It was amazing how he could still imagine him, the sound of his voice and the way his tone would turn mellow whenever he had something to say outside their usual talks of training, gained skills, and mysterious futures. Davyn was so sure that Sirius would sit on the step next to him that he could almost feel his presence.

"What are you really after, Davyn?"

That's what he would ask. So he thought about it long and hard. It was so muddled it took a long while to identify the feeling.