ALL MY LUCKY STARS

Olivia

Alex and I lay together on the couch immediately following the absolute earth-shattering orgasm I'd ever had in my life. I was in deep. Too deep.

He handed me my panties and the rest of my clothes, sweetly, and I shook my head no. If we were cuddling, we were doing it naked. End of story.

He seemed pleased with this choice, swirling his fingers softly up and down my arm, sometimes on my left breast which sent shivers everywhere, and up to my neck until he'd pull me in and kiss me. Occasionally, he'd just kiss the top of my head.

We lay there, listening to the music playing, in the candlelight of the night. He had put so many out, that it really looked right out of a movie.

"A night this amazing should not be wasted by having to go to work in the morning," he said, almost groggily, as though he had just woken up. It was the sexiest voice I'd ever heard.

"Maybe I might just call out," I told him.

"Maybe I might join you," he said, not a question. just a fact.

"What will you do instead?" We were playing with each other's hands now, talking low.

"Might just ask a girl out on a date," he said with a smile.

"She might just say yes." I leaned up to kiss him. He held my jaw and sunk in my lips, while he adjusted his arm underneath me to hold me on top of him.

"Am I too heavy for you?" I joked.

"No, babe. You're fucking perfect." He kissed my forehead. "Look how hard I am already?"

Wow, yeah, there it is pushing into my stomach. "I feel it instead," I stuck out a tongue at him and he pulled me further up to kiss it.

I started grinding my hips around his length, feeling it harden with every movement of my hips. Every moan made his erection pulse, and so I didn't stop moaning.

His hands roamed over my breasts and flicked my hard nipples. I raised myself on him so he could suck on them, but he swung me up and around until he was on top of me. He held my breast and sucked, pinching the little hard tips with his teeth ever so softly. He moved on to my other breast, still toying with the other. He came back to my mouth and kissed me deeply.

"You have no idea how screwed I am," he told me.

"Why?"

"Because I'm falling for you. Hard." He said, a little scared.

The truth is, I'm scared too. It hasn't been that long since I'd been with Liam. One month is not nearly enough time to recover from a two-year abusive relationship, though I hadn't loved him for long before that. I still wake up in panic attacks some nights, or I find myself looking over my shoulder when I'm doing something at home.

Always on the lookout.

But I wasn't looking out when I found Alex, and that's how he kept me.

I wasn't looking for him, but I was found. He swept me off my feet. It didn't take long after that to know I was falling in love.

"I need you to promise me something," I whisper with a plea.

"Anything, Livvie."

"Don't hurt me," I said, voice cracking. I looked at him, and tears started welling in my eyes. He looked so hurt as if he could feel my pain. He pulled me in and squeezed tight. My tears leaked all over him.

"Livvie, what did he do to you? Please tell me."

"If you feel for me what I feel for you, I don't know if you want to know. I don't think I would."

He squeezed his eyes shut, almost in disbelief.

I tried to find the courage to tell him. But I haven't relived that night since the day it happened.

"I met him when I was in college..." My voice shook, chin quivering. "I was out one night with my friend Monica, at a bar. He kept buying me drinks all night even though I tried to refuse them. But he just didn't stop. I look back on it now, at how obviously creepy and disturbing that is. But I think I was so drunk after a certain point that I saw him as an easy entry. Like, it wouldn't be so hard for me to sleep with him if I wanted." I scoffed. "God, I sound like such a slut."

"No, stop. Don't say that about yourself. You're not."

"I was though," I admit. "It's not a bad thing, no, but I was slutty. I slept with so many people. And none of it was from the attraction. I was so alone, I just needed validation. Validation of being pretty, or validation of just being there-- actually being alive. I didn't feel anything. I was just numb. I had never been at such a low point before." He didn't say a word and just listened, watching me, observing me. Learning me.

"Anyway, when I met Liam, as annoying as he was, he did manage to make me feel all those ways I was wanting, even if it was just a game to him. At first, it wasn't that bad. He would insult me or make me feel weird for the feelings I had. Whether it was stress or something else, he'd tell me I was overreacting. And I wasn't even with him for that long. But it got bad pretty quickly." Alex sat there, listening to me, nodding his head to urge me to continue.

"One night, he came home absolutely shit-faced. This wasn't the first time he'd come home like this, so usually, I just stayed quiet and tried to keep out of his way." The tears in my eyes were burning, and my throat hot. "I thought it would be like all the other nights. A little hit to my arm, or a smack across the face. But I was tired of it myself, so I spoke back to him. He punched me so hard that his knuckles broke against my head." I close my eyes, letting the tears fall as I relive that horrible, shitty fucking night.

"He had fractured my nose, which was bleeding profusely. But he didn't stop after that. He called me a bitch, a whore, and decided that I was only good for one thing. So he stripped me and used me. I was in such shock that I couldn't even move. Every woman knows when they're about to be raped. So my body went into crisis mode and I think I eventually blacked out from the intensity of that moment.

"When he was done and left the apartment, I finally opened my eyes and went to the bathroom. I had a black eye, and there was dried blood all over my face. I called 911 and went to the hospital where I stayed for a couple of days because they wanted to make sure that there wasn't any swelling or blood pooling in my brain," I squeezed my eyes shut and started sobbing.

"I can still feel what I felt that night," I say through a slur of tears and snot. "When I think of it, I go through it all over again," Alex doesn't say anything, but he pulls me tight in his arms. My vision went dark; hearing echoed. I could hear my name being called, but couldn't focus on it. I was having a panic attack.

When I eventually do come back in, Alex is holding me tight, caressing my hair repeating, "It'll be okay, baby. I'm sorry," and I just started to cry.

Again.
Except for this time, it's his apartment.

"God, Livvie, I'm so sorry."

Was he crying? I looked up to confirm. Yes, he was.

I kept crying until I couldn't anymore.