Jada's Journal

2/4/23

I want someone. I want a person I can fuck around with.  I want someone who can be there when I want them to be. Someone who pays no attention to my physical appearance and will only see the good parts of me... someone who will treat me like a god. Someone who will always be there for me through thick and thin, but also will give me all the space I want. I crave someone who will give me themselves completely, but only when I want them to. I want someone perfect.

But that's not realistic.

What do I actually want? What do I need? What type of person will come into my life and help me change for the better?

Well, with that in mind... I want someone. I want someone I can fuck around with, but also someone that will keep me in check. I want someone who can be there not only when I want them to be, but also when they want to be. I want someone who will pay close attention to every article of clothing and jewelry that I wear. I want someone who will look at my face and notice the huge pores on my cheeks and the scars that my battle with acne has left behind. I want them to look at me and see the stitches in the bridge of my nose that I got when I was three. I want them to notice my naturally curly eyelashes and my patchy left eyebrow that never completely grew back after I accidentally shaved off a huge chunk while attempting to shape it. I want them to notice how tiny my ears are, how sharp my jawline is, and how muscular my neck is. I want someone who will ask me the real reason I got facial piercings. I want someone who will ask me why I'm always so stoic. I don't want them to only see the good parts of me. I want them to ask me why I do the things I do. I want them to ask me why I'm constantly doing self-destructive things and what led me to do those things. I want them to give me the slightest bit of motivation to get myself to stop doing those things. I don't want to be seen as a god at all. I want to be seen as an equal. I'm a person too. I'm not better or worse than anybody. I don't want to be held to those standards. I want someone who will be there for me through thick and thin, but also give me all the space I need. Not want. In reality, I don't want space if I'm with the right person. I enjoy being alone sometimes, but that's because I forced myself to get used to it. I didn't grow up alone. My roots are still my roots. I crave human interaction and attention. I'll always be this way. I wish someone would realize that. On the other end, I want someone who will give themselves to me completely, and not only when I want them to. I want them to start ranting about their trauma randomly and trust me to listen. I want to give them advice if they want it, or just sit and listen, all whilst materializing that they are just a person too. I want to hype them up and do things for them and be there for them. I want to learn little things about them and enter their brain. I want someone completely imperfect, but someone who is perfect to me. I want someone like myself, I'd say. I wish someone would break down the walls I built up, because It's hard to do it by myself.

Everything is hard by myself. I'm so lonely. Even when I'm not alone I'm lonely. I don't know what to do with myself anymore. I always feel like such a nuisance and an obstacle. Negative things that were said or done to me stick in my head like glue, even if they were unintentional. I feel like I have no one to talk to, not even my closest friends. Even they can't give me what I need. It's so hard to meet new people. I'm going to be 20 in six months and I still don't have basic conversational skills. I'm still stuck with trauma. I'm still writing in my Wattpad journal that I started in 2017. I don't feel like much has changed. Physically, I did have a slight glow up but mentally... I just got worse. I'm slowly declining every year that passes. Year after year after year. I don't know how to stop this. What do I do to make it stop. I just want someone who understands me so so so so bad. I don't know what to do.

Please help me. I'm doing everything in my power to help myself. I need another source. Seriously. What am I doing wrong? I can't do this alone. This is so hard. Life is so hard. I just want to be happy again. I miss the feeling. I miss the beauty of sunlight and silence and peace. I miss waking up energized. I miss not counting the days. I miss having someone around me who enjoys my company.

 They make it look so easy.