Jada's Journal

3/15/19: Regressing

Why do people decide to inflict pain onto others? Why do people become hurt in response to that pain? Why does that hurt decide to make itself at home inside of an innocent human?

That's what I'm doing my independent study on.

What is depression? What is sadness? Where do both of those stem from in the body, and how are they connected? I'm hoping to find some meaningful answers concerning the fact that everyone is fucking gay and depressed in twenty-bi-teen. Most of the straights are fucking toxic, and that claim comes straight from the heart. Well... at least at my school, they are. What about you? Are your straights toxic? 🥊

Anyways.

Today, March 15th, 2019, was a very bad day (as per usual); but not as bad as most other days. I wore a white dress due to the fact that the conference meet for track & field is tomorrow, on Saturday—and it made me feel good. I'm not used to feeling pretty. So many people complimented my dress and it made me extra happy; for a little while at least. It's a tradition for sports teams to dress up the day before their big meet. I skipped practice today because I was dangerously close to having a mental breakdown in the middle of the hallway after walking past my ex-best friend and witnessing her laughing and smiling with another person that wasn't me. You see, my bond with her wasn't romantic at all (and I didn't want it to be that way), but it was very strong, and I felt as if I could do anything with her.

So why did I have to go and do that stupid thing back in October?

I severed three bonds at once and even lost a whole ass connection because of it. Lately, that's all that has been on my mind. I really went and did something retarded without thinking about the impact it could have had on the people I love, and my lack of sense backfired on me and caused me to be in this predicament in the first place; so obviously it's all my fault. It always is.

I've been spacing out way more than usual.

Ever since the friendship was officially pronounced over, I've been spacin' a lot. Industrial amounts of space. Multitudinous amounts of non-expression. You get it. I'm always staring into one place while walking, my lack of blinking causing people to give me weird looks in the hallway. In class I do the same thing. I look, I end up staring, sounds fade to a blur, then I snap back into it and BOOM... it's been 30 minutes. My lack of paying attention has been causing my grades to plummet. I have a 41% in math. I have a 56% in physical science. I can't run in any track meets because of my failing grades. It's whatever though, in summer school I'll have an excuse to talk to people.

Shit sucks. Anyways, time to switch to some different tea, cause this shit's cold and stale.

Maddie. I don't think I've ever talked about her in this journal, but she's this uber tall nerdy girl who's pretty cute, is obsessed with Marvel, and is in two of my classes. We talk nearly every day, but lately I've been getting this vibe that she doesn't really give a fuck about me at all. I've been getting this vibe from everyone, really. For the past week, I haven't genuinely smiled at anything for more than 15 seconds. It's usually either a small smirk or a small laugh, then I go back to being stoic. Today at lunch I flat out asked Maddie if she liked me. She hesitated before answering, so I'm guessing that she took it the wrong way. I cleared things up by clarifying that I meant non-romantically. She answered that she did, but I just don't believe it. At all. She doesn't treat me like she cares, so who am I to assume she does? I just wish I could go back to my childhood or middle school. Those were the good days (kinda, better than now). Or maybe I could just get buried 15 feet underground. That'd be good too. I'm better off dead anyway.

No, no. You're not better off dead! There are people that love and cherish you! There are people who would jump in front of a train for you, take a bullet for you, and even search miles upon miles for you if you were to disappear... and other silly things you can tell yourself. I know that I don't have anyone like that. Literally no one. There's so much more shit to talk about, but I'm tired of crying. Guess I'll just get drunk again or sumn. It's sucks knowing that you'd like to talk to people, but nobody wants to talk to you.

All I want is for someone to tell me face to face that they appreciate me and will never leave me, even if they're lying.

10:58 P.M.
  Conference is tomorrow. Time to put some bad shit into my body to calm my nerves! ✨💖