Oh. My. Fate?! (BL, Volume 11, Part 1)

148 A Future He Would Never Have

In a remote corner of the dragon realm, the blade of a sword shimmered in the morning sun as it cut through the air, the sharp edge sometimes accompanied by an additional gale of wind. The sword spun around for a long time. To the person holding it, it felt like an eternity but then, everything did these days.

Xin Lan lowered the weapon and took a deep breath before slowly exhaling. Once upon a time, he hadn't felt much different. Back then, after thousands of years of living and feeling like he had no place to call his home, nobody to accompany him through the passage of time, only emptiness had remained and he had more or less given up on life.

People thought he was courageous for fighting with whoever seemed strong enough to be a worthy opponent but only he knew that he had just been waiting for the time he could end it all. When that time came, he hadn't been afraid, and yet, he had been saved. In hindsight, this only seemed to have prolonged his suffering for a few millennia.

Xin Lan put the sword away and entered the house, trying to ignore the grave not far from it. Right after it had happened, he had taken solace in the knowledge that Hua Lin Yu's body would be finding eternal rest in this place, close enough for him to visit him every day. Now, he started to wonder if he had done the wrong thing.

Never mind what Hua Lin Yu himself would have wanted and that maybe his family or his Master back in the Jian Yi Sect might have preferred to bury him there, Xin Lan also wasn't sure how long he could keep looking at this grave. Every time he walked past it, his heart would squeeze in pain. It should have gotten better with time but even after several weeks, he hadn't gotten over it. But maybe that was the difference between the relationship he had had with Hua Lin Yu and everyone else. There was just no way to get over this.

Xin Lan walked to his storage room and grabbed a bottle of wine even though he knew that it wouldn't change anything. He couldn't get drunk enough to forget about it. On the contrary, when he did, it seemed all the more real. Sometimes, he even felt as if he could see him in front of him, once again hearing his sweet voice. At that time, he only regretted it more.

Slowly pouring a cup of wine, he narrowed his eyes as he stared out of the window at the small pavilion where he had once sat with Hua Lin Yu when they visited this place for the first time. At the end of the day, he was too weak or maybe just not prepared enough. If he had learned anything about refinement from Jinde or asked him to prepare a few pills or potions in case Hua Lin Yu ever got hurt, maybe he could have saved him. Or if he followed him secretly, he could have prevented him from being injured in the first place.

He took a sip of the wine, paused, and finally downed the whole cup. It didn't matter, really. No matter what he could have done differently, the truth was that he hadn't. He hadn't prepared ahead of time and he hadn't been there when he should have been. Now, Hua Lin Yu was already dead and there was no way to get him back.

He wasn't like Qiu Ling or even Jinde who were content with another incarnation either. It wasn't a soul that made the person. It was their experiences. The people they came into contact with, the place they lived in, the decisions they made every day, and the situations they got themselves into ... each of these things shaped who they would become one day. With the slightest deviation, the result would be a different one.

Yes, maybe the soul had an influence and maybe there would be a few tendencies regarding how they acted because of that. But that couldn't compare to the much bigger impact of the past that slowly build up.

Unfortunately, this meant that his Hua Lin Yu was indeed gone forever. His soul might still be out there in the form of that fallen god but they weren't the same. They could never be.

He closed his eyes and just lifted the flask of wine instead of bothering with the cup, taking a swig. In his mind, he sketched Hua Lin Yu's figure and the lovely face. He knew he wasn't doing himself a favor with this but he couldn't help it. He just ... wanted to feel a little closer to him even if it wasn't real. Anyway, he had nothing but those few memories and his imagination left, did he?

At that time, Hua Lin Yu had said that he wanted to be with him again, that he had seen through Xiao Li's lies and would ditch him. After that ... they probably would have come to live here, right? They'd have lived in this house together, quietly spending their lives. Or maybe Xiao Yu would have preferred the bustling capital city instead or wanted to go and travel the rest of the dragon realm and the Nine Heavens.

There were so many possibilities of what they could do. He knew he would never actually get to have that chance but he could at least dream of it, couldn't he? And even though his time with Hua Lin Yu had been relatively short, it had been intense enough that he could imagine rather well what his reactions would be. Anyway, he had nothing else to spend his time with so he might as well torture himself in this way. He could take it.

Just when Xin Lan's thoughts drifted off to the future he would never have, he noticed somebody's presence behind him. As for who it could be ... there was only one person he could think of. His hands clenched and he didn't even bother to turn around to check. "You know, you're right about the last person I want to see so how about you fuck off right off again?"

~~~

Little Theater:

~ It's all about reincarnation ~

Jinde: My lover died and reincarnated but I managed to hook his reincarnation as well and now we are happily married ~

Qiu Ling: My lover fell into a coma after drinking a strange potion and his soul was reincarnated. Thankfully, I managed to woo his reincarnation as well and we finally got married in both lives!

Xin Lan: My lover was somebody's reincarnation but he died and I didn't like his original incarnation. Who knew the guy wouldn't leave me alone until I gave in?

Qiang Yan: I reincarnated for my trial and met the love of my life. We got married and even had a child together!

Li Yin: It's supposed to be a secret but I met my lover while reincarnated for my trial as well ...

Bai Fen: I also met a beautiful lover while reincarnated for my trial. How come I was pregnant with the heir to the realm when I woke up and had to stay with my husband?! *flips table*