I'm Not That Mad

12

No dialogue this chapter, but there are some hints at budding feelings! And some bad parenting ngl.

Kanin came back to their dorm, Ozzy's jacket wrapped tightly around their shoulders to block from the cold air as they fiddled with their keys, their mind still reeling from the conversation. Admittedly, they were rather annoyed when they got Ozzy's text, and after that sort of faded away, they found themselves more confused than anything. From what they knew about him, Ozzy was hardly ever up at this hour. Matter of face, he was never up at all, so it surprised him.

Kanin eventually found the right key, inserting it into the slot, this time not as caught off guard when it went in easily and there wasn't an annoying doorknob talking their ears off. The silence, the normalcy, that was odd to them. Often, Kanin found themselves expecting to be screamed at by inanimate objects or by the flowers when they passed, and more often than not, they were rather disappointed when they didn't.

They twisted the doorknob before they slowly pushed open the door, wincing a bit at the creaking noise that it made. It wasn't that loud, but Carroll wasn't that deep of a sleeper. It was hit-and-miss really, sometimes he was able to sleep like a rock and other nights, the slightest creak in the floorboards would rouse him. Of course, Kanin greatly preferred the former of the two options. Carroll was nicer than his sister, sure, but that didn't mean that Kanin was particularly drawn to things that could possibly wake him and upset him.

Thankfully, Carroll didn't wake up, continuing to sleep soundly as they slipped into the room. After finding that the door didn't wake him, Kanin sighed in relief. They kept quiet as they made their way over to their bed, carefully avoiding any of the loose floorboards that they knew would make noise if they stepped on them. Kanin climbed into their bed, reaching over to flick on his bedside table's lamp. It was dim enough that they didn't have to worry about it waking Carroll and even then, the lamp was facing them, Carroll would still be in the comfortable darkness. 

Despite being back in their own bed, Kanin found themselves not wanting to slip off Ozzy's jacket, now being able to get a better look at the thing. They's seen Ozzy wear it before, sure, but they'd never stared at him long enough to get a good look at it.

It was striped in the same way his tail was with the duel shades of pink going down the front and back of it, with a pale gray being the color of the large sleeves. There were a number of patches on the sleeves and the front of the jacket, rather crudely sewn or ironed on, but it had a sort of comforting chaos to it. It was probably the closest thing to home they'd seen since they arrived in Auradon. Some of the patches, the ones that were sewn on, were similar to the oddly shaped signs that littered the Tugley Wood, with arrows pointing in all sorts of different directions saying all sorts of different directions. It made sense, considering that's where Ozzy's old home used to be.

The other patches were more random, a small top hat similar to the one that the hatter wore, a teapot and teacup set, and a little dormouse. Those were iron on's that Kanin was fairly certain came from Hattie. He looked at a few of them on the sleeves, flowers of all different shapes and colors that adorned the bottom of the jacket, all of which had little faces on them, different expressions that Kanin knew well from the flowers back home. Maybe they gave Ozzy too little credit when they assumed that he didn't have many memories of Wonderland.

Kanin went to go shut off their lamp, deciding to try and get at least a few hours of sleep before class started, they didn't bother to crawl back under the covers of their bed, finding the jacket more comforting than anything else. It was warm, and it was soft, as if they were being wrapped up in a big hug. Taking another deep breath to try and relax their mind, Kanin found that the jacket still smelled like him. They weren't sure why it surprised them, Ozzy had taken it off no more than half an hour ago. They especially weren't sure why it gave them a sense of comfort. He smelled like a forest, the smell of trees and fresh air faint but enough to be noticed. 

For a split moment, Kanin wondered what it would feel like to be wrapped up in Ozzy's arms. What it would feel like to be hugged by him, to be held close to him and feel his warmth. The thought made them blush, and their eyes widen, sitting up again as they went to take the jacket off. It was a foolish thought, Ozzy didn't even like them especially not like that. And even if he had (not that Kanin wanted him to) it was ridiculous to dream of something like that.

Ozzy was an exile, his family would never be allowed to return to Wonderland, and Kanin's own father would have a heart attack if he knew. Feelings like that, feelings for Ozzy, of all people? God, that would be shameful. Their hands paused, not seeming to be able to take his jacket off. Their fingers grazed over the patches again, one of them, a smaller one right above their heart, catching their attention. A perfectly sewn in white rose. It was small, almost too small to notice at first glance, but it was there. 

Another reason these feelings were absurd. Ozzy was loyal to The White Queen. Though he claimed him and his father didn't take sides, it seeming useless considering neither of them were even welcome back there anymore, but that patch was all that Kanin needed to confirm his loyalties. That simple rose being a bitter reminder of who his loyalties aligned with. Or rather, where Kanin wished their loyalties did.

Maybe with The White Queen, they'd be free to have whatever feelings they wanted. They doubted that she controlled people as if they were just objects. A simple crush like this... well, they doubted it would lead to the immense shame they were feeling now.

Kanin shook their head, finally being able to force themselves to take off the jacket, getting out of their bed to place it carefully over their desk chair. They regretted it the second that the cold air hit them, though they knew it was probably for the best. They didn't want to think about that any longer, but they couldn't seem to stop themselves. A part of them wished it was possible for it, but as soon as one possibility hit them, their more negative thoughts were there to shut it down.

Maybe if they ran away? Sure, that would be fine for a while. Until one of the Red Queen's soldiers dragged them back to the palace in chains for their execution. The Queen's property never lasted long after running, and Kanin was sure that they'd be no different.

Of course, this was avoiding the point that Ozzy would never like them. He hated them, or at least, didn't like them at all. And with that dream... well, now he knew the truth about what Kanin did. Or, at least, he suspected it. They had a feeling Ozzy wouldn't listen to them even if they tried to explain it, and they couldn't really blame him. His mother died as a result of what they had done, and they doubted that Ozzy would take the explanation that they were forced to do it.

Kanin took another deep breath, walking back over to their bed as they climbed under the covers, curling up tightly. They distracted themselves as much as they could, trying to relax as much as they could, to at least try to rest. After what felt like an hour, it seemed to finally work, their body relaxing and their thoughts clearing enough for Kanin to feel their eyes growing heavy. It didn't take long for the darkness to overtake them, dragging them into an uncomfortable sleep.