A funeral... A Wedding... One Church

Hopes for the future!

Once I was all alone, I started to actually think about what happened. It all felt soo surreal to me that I haven't really realize the whole situation. I mean I basically just got interrogated by a detective and had a weird plush like talking animal in the room who apparently is the principal and owner of UA. To top that off there were actually two doctors who looked at me and neither of them told me my conditions. Not as if I didn't already knew it at all.

My body was broken and if it were not for that IV right there I would for sure feel all the pain. then again I shouldn't even be here at all. I shouldn't have survived and I for sure shouldn't make soo many problems to the people around me.  I mean they were basically wasting their time on me. 

What am I even doing here?

This is so stupid.

I am wasting not only their time but also mine....

I shouldn't be here. 

They will not treat me any better than any other person.

I am sick of this.

Always being alone.

Always feeling this emptiness.

Is it wrong to actually want some love?

Is it that wrong to want to be embraced and told that people like me that they need me?

But I know it better....

Why am I even still thinking about this.

The more I was alone in this room the more I felt this coldness nibbling at my heart. It was urging me to end it and it was telling me at the same time that I was a usless case. Oh I knew exactly that I was not wroth their time. I also knew that I was wasting their energy and their time. Another person could stay in this very room where I was. There could be a person who needed it a lot more than me. My life was meaningless anyways and I didn't even had any hope at all for it. To be really honest I don't remember anything after the jump but I really was regretting that I woke up by now.

Me:.... why....

Before I even knew what was happening I felt such an enormous guilt that I started crying and my whole vision was blured out. Tear by tear started to fall down and I couldn't stop it. I felt hopeless, I felt alone and I felt like a disgrace doing something bad. Everything mixed up together was chocking me and I hated it.

Normally I was not one to cry that fast and I was definitely not one to cry out loud. If anything until now I was eating at my very own conscious and trying my hardest not to show how broken I was. It hurt soo much and right now I couldn't stand it and so they started falling and falling without any kind of end to see. 

It just took seconds for me to realize that and the moment I realize it, I felt bad because I was even more useless then I thought I was. I couldn't even hold back anymore. I was just an outer shell with broken pieces inside and not even my shell was complete since I saw some casts on my arm and on my legt. 

I am soo fucking useless.

I don't want to live anymore.

I am just a waste of space!

I am even taking up the precious space of someone who could need this bed!

Why am I even here!

I am not loved!

I am not talented!

I don't have a quirk!

I can only destroy things and make it worse!

WHY!

SO WHY!

Why did I survive?!

At some point I was sick of it and I knew I wouldn't be able to stand up with that broken leg of mine but I also didn't had to stand up. The first thing that I did was rip off the IV in my right arm and then look at the dropps of blood as well as the medicine. I hated myself for staying here and not being able to do a thing. Still with that IV needle in my arm, I decided to actually use it and thrust it deep into my arm. I knew it was stupid but I broke the needle off and hope that it would find its way towards my heart and lodge there so I would die from it. 

I couldn't just stand up and walk to the damn window anyways. 

I also couldn't stand up and go to the small bathroom inside the room.

All I could do in my situation was lay down and hope for the best.

This was my way of hoping for the best while my emotions were taking the rest of me and I was starting to spiral downwards. It was starting to get hard to breath because of how much I was silently crying. The feeling I got started to increase and I felt my very own heart which was trying to jump out of my chest and escape this misery.