Crimson Rivers

Chapter 9

Sirius is only half-awake when he turns over and presses into something warm and solid, and usually, this would be strange enough that he would be in danger of responding defensively, but he remembers falling asleep next to something warm and solid, so it's perfectly fine.

In his sleepy state, warm and solid means something good, just like it did when he fell asleep, and so Sirius snuggles into it as he smacks his lips and tries to go back to sleep.

A beat later, Sirius' brain connects warm and solid to Remus, and his eyes snap open as he jerks up in alarm. It is, in fact, Remus. He's wide awake and looking at Sirius fondly, but Sirius' heart promptly drops as dread and panic sinks in.

"Did you fall asleep here?" Sirius rasps, his blood pumping as his heart races. "Remus, are you-"

"Sadly, no," Remus interrupts calmly. "I did leave last night, but I came back. I thought, since you wanted to fall asleep with me here, you'd like to wake up the same way."

"Oh," Sirius breathes out, relaxing all at once as his eyes drift shut and he settles back down. A moment later, it feels like his heart seizes in his chest when he realizes that Remus-he did this on his own. He chose to do this. He came into Sirius' room without asking and crawled right into bed with him, and if it was anyone else, Sirius wouldn't be giddy and delirious with joy about that. "Oh. I-yes, I do like it. Thank you. Hi."

"Hi," Remus responds, lips twitching. "You don't mind, then?"

"No, no, of course not," Sirius rushes to say. "You can do whatever you want, Remus, you know that. I mean, um, you did want to, right? You don't have to be here if you-"

"I wanted to. I want..." Remus' gaze flicks down to Sirius' mouth, lingering, then flits back up. "I want a lot of things."

Stupidly, the only thought that Sirius is capable of forming is wait, no, I haven't brushed my teeth. Fortunately, he doesn't say that, but only because the sole sound he's capable of making is a little high and garbled.

Remus' eyes soften from sharp to playful. "My compromise on my many wants was this, though. Watching you drool in your sleep. Very entertaining start to my morning, I'll admit."

"I do not drool in my sleep," Sirius sputters, reflexively lifting his hand to rub it quickly over his mouth.

"You do," Remus counters. "It's cute."

"Oh, well, in that case, I do drool in my sleep, actually," Sirius says, breaking out into a grin when Remus turns his head and stifles his laugh into a pillow. Sirius thinks he's so lovely, just gazing at him, and before he knows it, his hand is reaching up to gently push back where his hair flopped over his forehead. Remus turns his head slightly, peering at Sirius through his eyelashes. "Is this alright?"

"It's alright," Remus murmurs.

Sirius bites his lip, moving very carefully as he sweeps his fingertips across various strands of hair. His fingers shake from the importance of this moment, from brushing up against the glorious. He doesn't go too fast or too far, refraining from doing too much, no matter how desperately he wants more. Sirius breaks things, but he is determined not to break this with Remus-whatever this is.

He used to build things. Create things. And now he's lucky if he doesn't destroy what's already formed. This, with Remus, feels like building something, and it scares him. He never means to break things, especially what's important, and Remus is undoubtedly one of the most important things to come within reach of the ruin he carries in his palms.

Overcome by his own wariness, Sirius draws his hand away, swallowing thickly. A mixture of shame and guilt swirls in the gaping maw of his chest, making the back of his throat burn. Instantly, he feels the compulsive need to apologize, because he doesn't-he can never tell when he's genuinely done something wrong, or when he just feels that he has.