Crimson Rivers

Chapter 23

Regulus holds up the vial of venom he helped Vanity extract from Vespa, a lump forming in his throat as he turns it between his fingers. James sits next to him in silence, fiddling with the white card, tracing the edge of it with his thumb.

"Do you remember when you said you didn't want me to be changed?" James asks softly.

"Yes," Regulus murmurs.

James nods his head towards the vial. "That changed me."

"Losing Vanity?" Regulus checks.

"Yeah," James confirms.

"What about-" Regulus swallows and meets his gaze, his heart clenching. "You said that who you are, all that you're made of, couldn't be changed. What about that?"

"I'm still me," James whispers. "Just a little less, is all."

Regulus looks away, finding it very difficult to swallow all of a sudden. He genuinely can't think of anything more tragic than that. He can hate James Potter with everything in him, hate all there is of him, but he's never once wished for less of James.

James is too much of so many things to ever shrink. He's been this bright, this momentous, since Regulus met him; it's the one consistent thing that never changed, even when Sirius and Regulus himself did. Even when Regulus grew to hate it, he could always count on it. James doesn't deserve this. What Regulus hates more than James is his suffering.

"I killed Irene," Regulus confesses abruptly, reaching out to put the vial back in James' pocket.

"No," James replies immediately, and when Regulus glances at him, he's shaking his head. He instantly doesn't believe it. The sight makes Regulus feel like he could cry.

"Yes, I did," Regulus rasps, and James stares at him, looking right into his eyes. It takes a moment, but James' face falls slack, and Regulus knows he's seen the truth in his eyes. "It was-well, it was a joint effort between me, Mathias, and Axus, I suppose. I had the killing blow, though. Mathias-they didn't mean to, they were aiming for Axus, but they shot Irene in the chest with their crossbow. Axus was fighting Irene, and they turned her into the shot. We, um, took her across the bridge, and that's why I was over there instead of with you. I should have been with you, but I was too busy killing her."

James shakes his head slightly. "I don't understand. You... Regulus, you would never-"

"She asked me to. She was in a lot of pain, James, and there was no chance of her surviving, so she wanted it to be quick so she didn't have to suffer," Regulus explains, and the skin around James' eyes go tight. "I don't know if that was fair of her to ask of me, because I'm-I still feel guilty."

"You quite literally put her out of her misery, Regulus," James says softly, reaching out to cover Regulus' hand. He hooks his pinky through Regulus' and strokes the back of Regulus' thumb with his own. "It was a kindness. If it was you in her situation, wouldn't you be grateful?"

"Maybe," is all Regulus can say, because it's hard to see it that way when he still viscerally recalls the resistance of Irene's body when he slipped his dagger in between her ribs.

"And Mathias?" James asks.

Regulus presses his lips in a thin line. "Consumed by the need for revenge. They blamed Axus, no doubt, so as soon as they heard the cannon that meant Irene was gone, they went running after Axus to-well, I'm quite sure they planned to kill them. Axus snatched the bridge right out from under them while they were crossing it. I was too late to stop it."

"If I had been paying more attention, I could have stopped it," James announces, tipping his head back against the cave wall. The column of his throat rises and falls on a harsh swallow, and he closes his eyes. "I killed Hodge."