Once Again

Chapter 5: Present Day

I pull away from the hug and give him a shaky smile. He pulls out a chair for me and I sit. I feel like an awkward teen all over again, not knowing what to do with my hands and unsure of what to say.
"You haven't changed a bit." He grins
"Ah, you're a liar but thank you." I say. I busy myself with looking at the small menu.
"I'm glad we could do this." He's still grinning and I have to avert my eyes from that blinding smile.
I just nod politely pretending to be confused by the menu. It is confusing though. I can't focus my thoughts with him sitting so close so the words might as well be in another language.
A server comes by thankfully and takes our order giving me something to focus on other than his heady scent and charming smile.
"So uh...how long have you been back in ATL?" He asks casually.
I clear my throat and square my shoulders trying to tap into some semblance of composure. "A couple of months. My mom can't drive anymore so I came back to help out."
"You always did take good care of your family." He gives me a small smile. I wish he'd stop saying things as if we never lost touch. Never losta sense of familiarity. It's been 17 years, things should be different.
"How is yours?" I ask
"Good. Dad retired a few years ago finally and he and mom have been touring the country in an RV."
I choke on my water "Your parents in an RV?"
He laughs softly "I know. It's great to see though. They seem to be really happy and relaxed."
"Words that haven't described the Bailey's before." I crack a smile.
"No, this is very true." He smiles. He leans back in his chair, looking at me appreciatively. It's unnerving and grating. He must sense the tension because he says "I'm sorry, Sarah."
Those words prick my skin even more. "For what?" I sniff trying to appear unbothered.
"I'd say you know why, but I think you need to hear it." He leans forward, steeling his eyes, daring mine to look at him "For...being a shitty friend. For not picking up a phone. For everything."
I chew on my bottom lip holding back the emotional words I want to unleash on him. I don't want him to think he still has that power though so I just shrug. "Why now? I mean I think I have an idea but I'd rather you tell me."
He runs a hand over his face wiping at the tension that now etches it and I feel a twinge of guilt. "I know how it looks...And you're right, ok? Whatever you're thinking is probably right, at least partially."
"Then tell me what's partially right and what's not." I challenge looking him in the eye this time.
He opens his mouth and then closes it. Unlike me, he seems to not have rehearsed any of this. Go figure.
"I know I hurt you. It was a dick move and I was immature and...only thinking about my own feelings. I know this. By the time I realized it though...it was kind of too late. I made a vow, I had commitments, and my priorities—"
"God." I huff "You act like you're the first person to have commitments and responsibilities, Rhys! You weren't the only one! You think I was—what? Just flitting through life at the time aimlessly and only having fun—"
He frowns and shakes his head "No, no that's not what I meant. I know you did. I mean...I know that now. I—" He takes off his beanie scratching at his once golden but now brown hair nervously. He blows out an exhale of air and leans back towards me "I was a self-absorbed know-it-all and I'm sorry. I wish I could go back and shake myself, you know?"
I digest his words. Those are all adjectives I've used to describe him at times as well. Seems he's gained some introspection with age.
"Yeah, I know." I say softly.
"I didn't...I didn't ask you to meet me so you could absolve me or forget things. I just...I've missed you." He sighs softly
I want to take his words at face value but I can't. I feel like it's my duty at this point to not let him in so easily. To make him earn my friendship when he took advantage of it too many times before.
"When? I mean for how long? A year?" I say sitting back and crossing my arms.
His face registers offense, hurt, and then resignation. "That's not...that's fair." He places his hand gingerly over the top of mine. It's familiar warmth shooting like electricity through my own. "I've always missed you."
I shake my head "You've had so many years, Rhys. You couldn't even pick up a phone? I've talked to Ryan and Ben more than I have you. And I know you stayed in touch with them."
"She didn't like you." He says suddenly, his cool composure ruffled. "She was jealous and insecure and...can you blame her?"
This makes me angry. "No! I blame you! You could have soothed her fears. You could have— don't know...stood up for me! For us. If you had really cared about me, about our friendship, you would have fought for it more. So don't usei her as an excuse. You are and were a grown man."
"You don't think I tried?" He asks his eyes blazing "You think I just stopped giving a shit? Do you really trust me that little that you think I just stopped caring? That you didn't mean anything to me?"
Tears threaten my eyes. This is not what I wanted. Did I want to hear some of these words from him? Yes. I'd dreamed many times of him saying these very words to me. But now that it's happening there's nothing satisfying about it. It doesn't soothe any wounds, it just seems to reopen them.
"This is a mistake." I mutter getting up from the table. I fumble for my purse and keys.
"Sarah, please." He stands up with me placing his hand on my wrist. "I'm sorry. I'm not trying to win an argument here. I—I just wanted to see you. The idea of having you in my life in some way again has helped me get through the last few weeks."
I blow out a shaky breath. Despite the abandonment I felt when he just dropped out of my life and the pain that's caused over the years, I know that he's gone through something awful recently himself. As much as I wish I could shut the part of me that still cares off, I can't.
I sit back down slowly. "Let's...let's start off with some safer topics, yeah?" I say.
He exhales nodding his head and sitting down as well. "Tell me about your job. I hear you're working on a new HBO series in town."
"Yeah." I smile "I'm still screenwriting. I love it and I'm really excited about this one. It's a big deal to be working for a prestige network and the crew so far has been great."
His smile spreads across his face "I'm proud of you, Bauer."
We talked about his kids. His oldest is in high school now which blows my mind and the youngest is still in middle school. He shows me pictures (many I've already seen through social media) and tells me about their personalities and interests. He beams like the proud father he is, the father I always knew he'd be. We talked about our families and his job as well. He's a medical director at a local hospital and works long hours. We eventually fall into an ease and familiarity we once had.
When it's time to leave he says he'd like to see me again. I hesitantly agree and we make tentative plans for dinner in the next couple of weeks. I return to my place feeling a mix of emotions I don't have the energy to untangle right now. It's perhaps how I've always felt with him.