Once Again

Chapter 21: September 2001

I have one more year left of school. Since I had to repeat some classes, I'm graduating a semester later than planned. I'm determined to finish my final year of school on a high note and spend a lot of time in the library doing schoolwork.  I'm earning mostly A's and feeling a sense of accomplishment I haven't felt in awhile. Studying and writing aren't so hard when I'm actually able to focus on something I'm interested in.
   I've started dating a guy named Jacob. He's an artist. Despite still being in school, he's had his work displayed in galleries and received commissions. He's already a hit at 21. Jacob wears his hair in dreadlocks and rings on his long fingers. He looks like Lenny Kravitz's younger cousin. I'm wildly attracted to him. We have sex all over the place in his downtown loft that smells like paint and patchouli. He kisses my hand whenever he holds it and paints or sketches me sometimes when I'm laying nude on his bed and floor.
  I met him through Rachel. He's been in a few of her classes at Emory. When she introduced us I thought he was an interesting and attractive guy, but that we were too different. We didn't seem to have a lot in common and bohemian artsy women seemed to be more his type. He bugged her for my phone number after we met though and pursued me relentlessly for a while. Sending flowers and chocolates to my apartment or job. I finally relented and agreed to go on a date with him.
   He talked to me about art and traveling. He was worldly, interesting, and I hung onto his every word. He swept me off my feet taking me to shows and going on trips where we needed passports.  He showed interest in my writings and would read them quietly with a smile on his face. I had no chance in not falling hard for him in light of his potent pursuit. I'd never been seduced by someone the way Jacob seduced me. The first time we had sex he poured champagne on my body and licked every inch. If I wasn't a goner before I was definitely a goner after that.
   He sometimes got jealous when I hung out or talked to my guy friends. I rationalized that he probably had a right to be. Ben was a flirt even though he was taken by Bridget at this point. And he knew something had happened between Ryan and I. He knew I was once in love with a guy named Rhys I'd grown up with and that Rhys had broken my heart. Sometimes he'd even get jealous about me spending time with my girlfriends. That was weird and we'd argue then. He'd always be contrite and teary afterwards begging for my forgiveness, promising the world. It happened enough to set alarm bells off in my head, but not enough for me to leave him.
   I was getting ready one morning when my phone started ringing off the hook. First it was Bridget and I let it go to voicemail because I just saw her yesterday. Then it was Rachel and I became curious because it was early in the morning and Rachel was never up this early. By the time I start to reach for the phone to call her back a familiar area code, but an unknown number pops up on my phone.
   "Hello?" I ask into the receiver, placing it between my head and shoulder while I try to frantically search my car keys for the millionth time.
  "Sarah, are you watching the news?" A familiar male timber asks me.
  "No?" My mind starts racing. Did someone die? I flip on my TV to CNN. There in front of me is one of the Twin Towers on fire? We went to NYC for our senior trip. A bus load of us trekked up the south tower.
   "Oh my God." I cover my mouth in shock at what I'm seeing. "What happened?"
   "A plane." Rhys answers.
  Rhys and I haven't spoken in two years, not since we broke up during that awful phone call. I saw him once at a large gathering during the holidays, but I was with Jacob and managed to avoid him. I can't deny that seeing those familiar hazel eyes with those dark eyelashes and dark eyebrows didn't cause my stomach to knot when I caught them briefly. Our friends know, for the most part, that it would be better for us to not have to see each other. I vaguely know that he's been living with Serafina and will be graduating soon.
  He's explaining something about Osama Bin Laden when the second plane hits. I gasp and stand up. I saw it happen on the TV. Rhys is cursing and repeating "Oh my God."
  "We're under attack." He says.
  I stayed on the phone with him for a bit longer feeling like I needed a lifeline. An anchor in a world that suddenly felt very frightening. The news is interrupted by another plane going down in Pennsylvania and another one hitting the Pentagon.
  "Is Atlanta next?" I ask. It's an irrational question in hindsight but at the ring everyone thought they were next. "Is Nashville?"
  "I don't know." He murmurs, watching the tv along with me.
  "I have to go. I have to call Rachel and Bridget back. My dad is in Boston on a business trip...I have to see if he's ok." I say
  "Ok, yeah." Rhys says. "Sarah? I love you."
   I nod understanding what this love means. "I love you too."
  I spent the day on the phone. My dad is ok just stuck at the airport for the indefinite time being as all planes are grounded now. Rachel and Bridget are fine but we're all in shock. Rachel went to get gas earlier and said it took two hours because people were lined around the block for a pump, panicking that they may need to flee and that gasp will become too expensive. Everyone feels like we're on the brink of war and we end up being right about that.  Jacob is in Savannah for a show and didn't know what was going on until the plane hit the Pentagon . He called to tell me he's ok, but he'll have to stay where he's at.  Ryan was supposed to fly into New York for some conference the following day and can't believe the timing. He's crying when I hear from him. I'm 21 and the world feels like it's on fire.
  I skip my classes and lay on the couch all day crying. I watch bodies fall out of the towers and newscasters I've grown up with watching breakdown on air. I watch people holding flyers desperate to find their loved ones and nurses and doctors scrubbed up, ready to help the injured,  looking perplexed as few arrive. It's all there playing out on the tv and I can't tear myself away. I almost feel like it's my duty to witness the trauma.
   A knock comes on my door that evening as I lay in my sweats wiping my red nose for the hundredth time crying as I watch all the tragedy unfold. I open it to find Rhys. His eyes are red and tired and his clothes wrinkled. A sob escapes my mouth and I throw myself into his arms. He holds me in the doorway for a long time. I make his sweatshirt wet with my tears. He smells and feels like safety right now.
  "I...I needed to be here." Is all he can manage to say. "If the world is ending...I don't want to not see you."
   I nod my head understanding. The world is not ending but it's certainly chaotic. He needs something familiar too.
   "How did you even find me?" I ask once my tears dry up a little. I led him into my living room.
   "Ryan." He says.
   I cringe. Of course Ryan knows where I live and felt compelled probably out of some sense of guilt or obligation to tell Rhys. Ryan was the worst person I could have chosen for my revenge/pity fuck when Rhys and I broke up. Outside of our indiscretion, Ryan had always been pretty loyal to Rhys. The guilt was etched across his face every time I saw him though it was lessening in time. I felt like an asshole for putting him in that situation when he was just trying to be a friend to both of us.
   I sit next to him and allow him to fold me into the crook of his arm like old times. We watch the tv together in horror until he finally gets up to go get  food and Blockbuster. He buys us Chinese food and rents Joe Dirt. It's a stupid movie, but it does the trick in getting our minds off of the tragedy for a little bit.
   I offer to let him crash on my couch because of how late it is by the time we get done, but he declines and goes to see his parents instead. We make plans to meet up for lunch the next day.
  We're at his favorite deli the next day and the place is quiet. The whole city seems quiet. Businesses are open but everywhere feels like a funeral home.
   "Eerie, isn't it?" He says dropping his vice as if we need to talk in whispers. I nod and take a bite of my ham sandwich. I'm not hungry but I know I need to eat.
   "I hate to say this because it just seems...wrong right now, but I'm glad you came." I say after a while.
   "Me too." He says his mouth crooking into a small but uncomfortable smile. "I uh...I don't want us to be strangers anymore, Sarah."
   My eyes well with tears. It's what we've become isn't it? I didn't think we'd ever get to this point, but given the volatile nature of us both...two years is the longest we've gone without talking.
   "I don't either." I say softly.
  "I'm moving back." He announces. "After I graduate this semester I'm moving back."
  "Oh, ok." I raise my eyebrows. I'd gotten used to him not being a part of Atlanta and figured he'd stay in Nashville or even go somewhere else.
  "My dad accepted a job in San Francisco and they're not selling the house, so I'm going to take over it until we figure out whether we want to sell it or not. I've accepted a job at Piedmont." He says chewing on his Reuben.
   I let out a low whistle "You've got it all figured out already." I shake my head and smile "Go figure."
   A smile breaks across his face and I see my old Rhys. The charming boy who went out of his way to befriend me.
  "Not all of it." He says and something about his tone suggests a need for further questioning but part of me doesn't want to know.
   "What about you?" He asks. He's still not great at eating properly. He takes big bites dropping the innards of his sandwich and accidentally chews with his mouth open at times. It used to drive his mom up the wall. I find it kind of endearing that the guy who usually has it all together is a sloppy eater.
  I shrug a shoulder "I'm not graduating until next fall. I uh...I fell behind there for a little bit."
   His eyebrows crinkle and his lips fall a little. So many unspoken things between us. He now knows I must have taken things harder than he knew.
  "I'm uh...I'm doing really well this year though. 4.0 gpa even." I waive my hand away at the concern.
   "Aww, Sarah, that's great. I'm proud of you." He grins, that blinding smile shining right on me.
   "Thanks." I say stealing a chip from his plate.
   "You uh...You know what you're going to do next?"
  "I don't know. I haven't thought too far ahead. Just trying to get through this last year raising my GPA as much as possible since I messed it up. There's a professor or two who thinks I can get an internship with a publishing company or even for a tv station." I say "Not really sure what I want to do with it yet."
   "Are you...staying here?" He asks fiddling with his silverware.
  "For now." I smile.
  "I uh...I saw you over Christmas break last year. I don't know if you saw me. I didn't want to bother you so I didn't say anything. You seemed like you were with someone and happy." He's averting his eyes because he knows I saw him too.
  "Yeah, uh...Jacob. We've been seeing each other for a while. He's a great guy. You may have seen some of his work already. He travels to a lot of the major cities in this region for his art." I smile.
  "An artist, huh?" He smiles, shaking his head "That seems very fitting for you."
  "How so?" I raise an eyebrow at him.
  "Oh, you know...like free-spirited and cool. That's the kind of guy I can see you with."
   I laugh "I mean...that does describe him fairly well. He's friends with Rachel. I think you'd like him too if you met him."
  He sits back and smiles "Sure. I'd like that."
And just like that Rhys and I became friends again. He moves back a few months later and Ben, Bridget, Rachel and I help him get settled.
We have weekly dinner nights altogether where we try unsuccessfully to teach Rhys how to cook. We fell into a comfortable friendship again. Teasing and debating with each other as we used to. There's no affectionate touching or horse-playing anymore though.
I visit Rhys's parents before they move and they grill me about my life, seeming pleased with the answers. They're fond of me but they also have high expectations not only of their son but of the people in his life.
Rhys broke up with Serafina. He didn't tell me much about it or even their relationship, just that she was mad when he decided to move back and cursed him out in Italian. He wasn't ready to settle down with her any further and knew she wouldn't want to come to Atlanta with him.
Rhys and Jacob meet after a couple of months of Rhys being back in town. Jacob wasn't thrilled about Rhys moving back much to my concern. I no longer desired Rhys. I was in love with Jacob and it bothered me that he would still question that. Rhys had become more like a brother figure to me upon his return. He was familiar and steady. Jacob was the one who gave me butterflies and who I couldn't keep my hands off of. It seemed to be another one of those things where nothing I could say or do would satisfy Jacob and his insecurity. I was not willing to give up my friendship with Rhys though that's exactly what Jacob wanted. So I was happy when Jacob finally agreed to meet him. Weary but happy.
Sometimes Jacob could be moody and sullen at social outings and other times he was the life of the party. I didn't know which Jacob I would get when we were invited over to Ben and Rachel's for a BBQ on a warm spring day. I was nervous, but I got charming fun Jacob that day. He gave Rhys a firm handshake and at one point they even disappeared together to smoke a joint outside. Rhys was polite and lovely to Jacob and seemed to get my thrall with him after listening to Jacob talk about a recent trip he took to Brazil. Jacob told my friends funny stories about my botched attempts at speaking French when we went to Belgium or how fast I ran when we came across bear tracks in the Smoky Mountains. Rhys laughs along with Jacob's stories and looks at me with a fond affection in his eyes.
I beam proudly at my handsome charming boyfriend and the man who has become my friend again. There's a sense of completeness to life and it seems to make sense, tofall into place...until it's upended again.