Once Again

Chapter 24: January 2004

I wake up with a start, my head pounding. I feel the weight of a warm muscular arm across my stomach. I follow the length of that arm to the golden hair buried in the pillow next to me. Flashes of the night before flood my head.
It was New Year's last night. Ben, Ryan, Ryan's girlfriend, Bridget, Rachel, Rhys and I all went out to a brewery. The brewery was packed with people all wanting to celebrate. We had fun. We were all happy to be together, ringing in a new year, a year I was ready to put behind me.
Things started to get a little hazy by the time midnight hit because of the drinking. I remember the ball dropping and Rachel, Rhys, and I all cheering in camaraderie when all the couples around us started kissing. We cheered to being the single ones. But then...Rhys kissed Rachel's cheek, I kissed Rachel's cheek, and then when Rhys went to kiss mine he leaned into my ear and whispered "I've been saving a kiss for you."
I looked at him like he was crazy and shook my head laughing like it was some kind of joke. He was serious though. He pulled me onto his lap as the night wore on and we got more sloppy. The warmth of his body and the alcohol coursing through my veins outmatched my willpower and I leaned into his warmth and comfort. He wrapped his arms around me, kissing my neck.
The rest of our group noticed and started to tease us. I argued pointing out how we were just friends—affectionate friends but friends nonetheless. Rhys stayed quiet. When we rode in the Uber back to Rhys's house he continued holding me. I tried separating from him once we got inside. The alcohol started to wear off and I wanted to sleep. We argued briefly about where I was going to sleep in his large house and he insisted on his bedroom. Rachel and Ben eyed me wearily as I trudged down to the basement. Rhys laughed and led me back upstairs where he was now in the master suite.
"They don't approve." I mumbled taking off my clothes to put my pajamas on.
"Who doesn't approve what?" He asked, his mouth full of toothpaste.
"Our friends don't approve of whatever this is." I gesture sitting down on the bed.
He goes to the bathroom to finish brushing his teeth, returns, and strips his shirt off. I don't remember the last time I've seen Rhys shirtless. It may have been the last time he and I were intimate years ago. His tan muscles flex in the moonlight filtering through the windows. My mouth goes dry. I haven't been with a man since Jacob. I'd be lying to myself if I said I didn't miss sex. And Rhys? He's a fine specimen of man. A man who my body remembers made it feel good. He flops down on the bed beside me, running fingers up and down my back in a soothing gesture.
"I don't care what they think, Sarah, I care what you want. What is it you want?" He says softly.
I groan "Don't do this to me."
"I don't want to do anything you don't want me to do...ok, that's a lie. I want to do lots of things to you, but I obviously won't if you don't want to."
He says continuing to rub my back gently.
I look down at him and his eyes are full of the lust and adoration he once had for me. His beautiful body and face cause my body to heat up in response telling me it wants this even if my mind is hesitating. I tell myself just one time. Just one time with Rhys again and then you can go back to being friends. Just one time to feel his body against yours. One time to let him make your body sing like he used to. You love him. Make love to him tonight. Leave the pain tonight. Just tonight.
I fall into his arms, capturing his mouth with mine. He sighs contently, wrapping himself around me. Despite it being late and us both being tired, hex takes his time. He worships my body with his tongue, his mouth, his fingers, his hands, like he's never had it before. My body purrs and is lithe under his touch. I feel safe and treasured. I also realize I'm completely turned on now that he's touching me. All those old desires for him come rushing back as if they never left. I want him. I can't wait to have him inside me. I climb him, riding him wantonly. His head falls back and his eyes close in pleasure. Our mouths stay fused together as we climax. We fell asleep naked and tangled in each other.
All of this runs through my head and regretful waves when I wake up. I can feel a panic attack starting to creep in. I'm sitting up with my hand on my chest and abdomen trying to control my breathing when Rhys wakes up.
"Hey." He greets me sleepily, taking a minute to register that something isn't right. "Hey, what's wrong?" He asks, sitting up in alarm.
He touches me, placing his hand on my chest to feel my heart rate. It only speeds up more with his touch. I push myself out of bed and away from him searching for my clothes.
"Sarah." He calls "Sarah."
I take a deep breath feeling the panic attack fading, though the anxiety and the feeling of wanting to run is still strong.
"We shouldn't have done that, Rhys." I say pulling on my pants.
My mind is racing. You shouldn't have done that. What the fuck is wrong with you. You're screwing everything up again. Do you like sabotaging your life. Are you ready to commit to him now because that's what he's going to want. You must be a craven slut to do what you just did. He thinks you're crazy. He's going to realize what damaged goods you are. He doesn't realize it now because he just wanted to get laid, but he's going to regret it. He already is. He'll regret getting involved with you just like he did before.
"We shouldn't have done that." I repeat feeling overwhelmed by my thoughts.
"What—? Sarah, stop."
I'm not stopping though. I'm looking for my bra now but can't find it so I just throw a shirt of his over my head. I'm looking under his bed for my other shoe.
"Sarah, fucking stop." He commands.
See? You're crazy. You're already screwing up and disappointing him.
"Yes." I jump, looking at him.
He's frowning and yes, he looks upset and disappointed in me.
"What are you doing?" He demands.
"I'm trying to leave, Rhys." I say my eyes wide with panic.
"Well yeah...obviously. Why?"
"Because, Rhys, we shouldn't have done that." I say.
He pinches the bridge of his nose in annoyance. A telltale sign of his that we're about to argue.
"You keep saying that."
"Well just in case you didn't hear—"
"So uh...so you're going to fuck me and leave like some sort of one night stand?"
"No, no." I shake my head defensively. "I'm going to give us space so we can realize this was two friends getting carried away."
"Friends." He says incredulously
"Rhys, you don't want me right now." I frown.
"How do you know—?"
"I'm a mess. We've tried this before and you couldn't handle it. I wasn't good enough. And I know—I know I'm not good enough right now. I can barely function. I can't..." I swallow my throat thickening with tears. "I can't lose you again. I can't handle anymore pain right now. I've had enough pain this year."
He swallows and averts his eyes from me, his jaw ticking. I know that look. The wall is going up. His feelings are being locked behind a solid impenetrable wall.
"Please, Rhys. Just give me time. Just a little time. I need to get on solid ground and then...then we can try." I plead.
He glances back at me, that impenetrable look on his face. His words are flat despite the fact that they're supposed to be reassuring "Ok, Sarah. It's ok. I get it."
"Do you?" I ask searching his face.
He stands up and gives me a quick hug. "Yes. If you need to go...go."
I sigh "I mean just for right now. Just...need to rest. Ok? I'll call you later."
"Yeah." He pulls a shirt over his head. "It's all good."
But it wasn't really. And it wouldn't be. I didn't see him much after that. He made himself scarce. We had a couple of friend dinners but he and I were never alone together again. He made excuses. He got a promotion at work and was just so busy. Then one day when we were at a dinner gathering at Ryan's he announced that he was seeing someone. A younger woman who had just started working at Piedmont. He was excited. I wanted to be excited for him, but it hurt. I thought I had asked him to wait...just for a little while longer? Why was he doing this?
He was ready to settle down though. He fast tracked it. Waiting for me wasn't part of his plan. He wanted the white picket fence and kids before he turned 30. A couple of months later after he announced his relationship with Madison, he told us they were engaged. I congratulated him. I held it together until we left. I cried on the car ride home, Bridget holding my hand, and Ben cursing.
   He stopped calling, stopped going to friend dinners. He disappeared until re-emerging for Ben and Bridget's wedding a few months later. He brought Madison with him as his plus-one. He greeted and hugged me like nothing had happened. Like he hadn't just dropped off the face of the earth. It pissed me off. I wanted him to at least try to explain, try to give me an excuse as to why he'd abandoned me, but he didn't. Instead he introduced us and asked for pictures like we were all one big happy friend group.
She was beautiful of course. Thick honey hair, full lips, and big breasts. He always went after the big breasted, big lipped girls which was essentially the opposite of me. She didn't say a word to any of us. Not during the ceremony, the reception, not at any point. It was bizarre and disconcerting.
"What a weirdo." Bridget hissed as we helped her hold her dress while she tried to pee.
"Yeah, that's not shy. I don't know what the hell that is." Rachel muttered.
"That's not shy, that's—she hates us." Bridget agreed.
"Why did she even come if she was going to be like this?" Rachel shook her head.
"To stake her claim." I speak up.
They both look at me. "I'm sorry, babe." Rachel murmurs squeezing my hand.
"We have to be supportive, guys. This is what he wants. I've never seen him this happy." I clear my throat.
"I have." Bridget looks at me pointedly.
"If he wanted to be with me he would have waited like I asked, but he didn't. In fact, he did the opposite and pretty much ran to her."
"He's an idiot." Rachel says heatedly.
"He's our idiot and we still love him." I say looking pointedly at both of them. I wasn't going to abandon Rhys. I may have been hurt and angry but I loved him and would stay in his life if I could as his friend. I would always be his friend.
We shuffled back to the dance floor where I saw him slow dancing with her. He was holding her, gazing down at her with such adoration, and she was giving it right back to him. It was earnest and heartbreaking.
I moved to Los Angeles two months after that. I accepted a job working as a screenwriter for a show called "Commander In Chief". I just needed to get out of Atlanta. Away from all the pain that had happened in the last couple of years and start anew.