Once Again

Chapter 19: October 1999

  Hi, you've reached Sarah I'm not in right now but leave me a message and I'll get back to you! Beep.
"Hey, uh...it's me. I just need to talk to you. Call me back. Love you." Rhys.
"Hi, baby!" I greet when he picks up the phone.
"Hey." His voice sounds tired...resigned.
"You ok?" I ask laying back on my bed.
"No, uh..." he clears his throat. "Can you...can you talk?"
"Yeah." I sit up "What's up?"
"I uh...god, I fucking hate this." He sighs
I straighten up feeling ice starting to run through my veins. I know that tone of voice. My body fills with dread "Say it, Rhys."
"I think we should take a break." He rushes out
I stare at the phone in disbelief. It's been awhile since we've seen each other. We haven't seen each other since summer. I opted and he insisted I spend my fall break with friends because he was going to use that time to catch up on school. Summer was strained. Between parties we're invited to and my job at a local book store, we didn't get a lot of alone time together. He was off too. Still charming, but quieter and lacking the boundless energy he used to have. Rhys was always up for an adventure, for fun. This Rhys didn't seem interested.
I didn't know what to do. My beautiful Rhys seemed depressed, but he wasn't opening up to me about it. I'd push and ask and either he'd tell me he was fine and just tired or he'd shut down and not want to talk about it which sometimes would cause arguments. I was 19 and had no clue on how to handle someone I suspected had depression. I thought if I distracted him or got him to talk about it would fix it. I wish he'd gotten the help he needed and I stopped taking it personally that I couldn't turn him back into the Rhys I wanted. When he called to breakup with me I was primed to fight.
"I knew it. I fucking knew it!" I exclaim as if I won some sort of game. "I tried to get you to tell me this is what was going on and you fucking denied it—"
"Sarah, I'm not—that's not why I'm doing this...I'm dragging you down." He says his voice heavy with weariness.
"You are not dragging me down." I insist tears welling in my eyes.
"I am, baby. It's not fair to you. You're having fun and meeting new people. You should be able to do that without me holding you back."
"I don't care about that!" I exclaim "I love you! I don't care if you're happy, sad, thriving, not—"
"Sarah, we're forcing something that's just not working right now. We're going to different schools, we don't even live in the same state, we barely see each other—"
"Do you want me to come up this weekend, because I'll do it." I offer. I can feel the desperation creeping through me.
"No, it's not just about how much time. It's hard. Everything is fucking hard right now and I just don't have the energy to do this—"
"You coward." I spit out because I'm still immature and not hearing the depression, just the man I love giving up.
"What—?"
"Things get hard and I'm what—collateral damage?" I yell. "I knew this would happen and you fucking knew it too. You breakup with everyone when you get tired of them. Me? I've never been good enough for you to begin with. So don't give me these lame excuses."
I'm on a roll and can't stop. Years of suppressed feelings and resentments come pouring out. If only we'd been able to talk about these things before. Before the feelings got so intense I couldn't contain them or express them reasonably.
"Go fuck other girls. I'm sure they'll make things easier for you because God forbid Rhys Bailey has to work hard for anything." I spit, seeing red.
"Stop." He chokes, his voice sounding strangled and because we're both stubborn and prideful, "How dare you! Fuck you, Sarah. You like that? You like fighting? You like insulting me and disrespecting me? I'm done."
I throw the phone across the room sobbing. I feel like my body is breaking in half, but it's just my heart. Rachel drives from Emory to console me and brings Ativan and aspirin with her. It's the only way I sleep that night. I feel heartbroken and ashamed. I know I went too far, said things I shouldn't have said, but pride and fear hold my back from apologizing. I also know apologizing won't get him back and I can't hear his reasons for not being with me again.
The next few weeks I go through the motions like a zombie. My concentration is shot, I don't complete assignments I should be doing, I miss class, and I drink too much.
Ryan comes back from New Orleans Thanksgiving break. He takes me to a football game and tries to cheer me up. We drink too much and when he's comforting me as I cry about Rhys, I get the terrible idea to kiss him. He kisses me back and I practically beg him to fuck me. I just want to feel anything but pain. He does and the night come back in shameful snippets forced tears after. I tried to obliterate Rhys from my mind and only made things worse. Rhys finds out. Guilt makes Ryan confess to him not too long after our indiscretion. I feel embarrassed and ashamed.
It isn't until the fall of the following year that I recover. I stop drinking so much and vow to stop using boys to ease a heartache that can't be eased. Despite me having to repeat some classes, I finally started getting into more of the core classes of my major junior year and this provides the relief I'm needing. I throw my heart into writing: my first true love.
I meet Ben's new girlfriend Bridget and she's fun, smart, and funny. I fall in love with my new friend. Rachel likes her too and we take up traveling together on the weekends.
I find out through Ben that Rhys is dating a beautiful Italian woman named Serafina who is in pre-med. I'm numb to the news by the time I hear it and can only think of course. Of course that's the woman he's with, the woman he's supposed to be with.
I don't just miss Rhys my lover, I miss Rhys my friend. I still find myself reaching for the phone when something big happens or I see something that reminds me of him (which happens everywhere) but then I remember that we're not friends and my heart breaks just a little again for that moment.