Sex & Drugs & Dungeons & Dragons

DUNGEON LEVEL B: Profane Purge of the Inquisitors

"Debbie, your cleric has been raised to the eighth level," Griffin read in a mock falsetto. "I think it's time that you learned how to really cast spells."

"You mean in real life, like real power?" Derek responded in an equally ridiculous faux-female voice.

"Of course, Debbie, when you give your soul over to our dark lord Satan anything is possible. What is the first spell you would like to cast?" Griffin responded.

"I'd like to cast mind control on my father! He's trying to stop me from playing D&D!" Derek couldn't go on; he fell down on the lunch table laughing uncontrollably.

Tony frowned and pulled the comic book they'd been reading away from them. "I thought it was funny at first too. But people really believe this shit."

The boys were gathered in their high school cafeteria, eating lunch together. Tony closed the comic and shoved it into his backpack.

"Come on, no one believes Dungeons & Dragons lets you learn real spells and make deals with the Devil," Griffin said skeptically.

"If they did a lot more people would play it," quipped Derek.

"Where do you think I got this? The pastor gave it to my mother at Church. Church." "You worry too much," Griffin tried to reassure his friend.

"That's easy for you to say," Tony accused. "Your parents let you do anything you want."

"That's because they're psychologists. They don't believe in boundaries," Griffin explained.

"I thought they were college professors?" Cobi asked.

"Professors of psychology."

Derek rolled his eyes. "Yeah ultra-liberal counter-cultural hippies. They're doing a great job raising Conrad, aren't they?"

"Conrad's doing okay," Griffin defended his brother.

"Yeah he's doing great for a coke-head."

"He's not a coke-head."

"Well either way, you're living in a bubble. For the rest of us this shit is real." Tony patted the backpack, referring to the comic book hidden inside.

"It'll blow over, I promise," Griffin insisted.

"So when are we gonna play again?" Cobi asked.

Suddenly someone grabbed his tray of food. "Hey that's mine!" Cobi protested.

Kenny Delgado shoved Cobi's chicken fingers into his mouth. Tall, lean and good-looking, Kenny was the New Trier High School quarterback, a fact he advertised by wearing his letterman jacket despite the spring heat. Two offensive linemen, their intimidating bulk rolling over the waistbands of their blue jeans, flanked him. Kenny swallowed the chicken and smiled. "Oh yeah? What're you gonna do, dork, shoot us with a fireball?"

All three football players laughed. They dumped the rest of Cobi's lunch on the table in front of him.

"Whatever," Cobi grumbled. "Cafeteria chicken fingers suck anyway."

"Your sister sucks," one of the linemen accused, shaking his hand over his crotch.

"Black chicks give the best blowjobs," Kenny agreed with a lewd smile.

"That's funny," Derek countered, "I heard football players give the best blowjobs."

Kenny lunged toward Derek but his companions held him back. "Come on man, these chicken-shit losers aren't worth it." They pulled Kenny away and disappeared into the school hall.

"Those guys need a good old-fashioned ass kicking," Derek advised.

"It's no big deal," Griffin muttered.

"No big deal?" Derek challenged, "aren't you sick of constantly being called dorks and chicken-shit losers?"

"Those dudes are like five hundred pounds!" Griffin exaggerated.

"So what, I'm not afraid of them," Derek insisted.

"There's a difference between courage and stupidity."

"So we still haven't decided," Tony said, deliberately changing the subject.

"Decided what?"

"When and where we're gonna play again."

"Friday night, my place," Griffin replied with confidence.

But Tony shook his head, skeptical. "Parental units gonna be home?"

"Probably, why?"

"What if they tell my parents we played?"

"So?"

"So I'm not allowed! Haven't you been paying attention? They threw out my books and made me read this!" Tony pulled the Dark Dungeons comic back out of his backpack and held it up.

"Don't worry, they won't," Derek assured him. "They let Griffin and Conrad do whatever they want."

"That's not true," Griffin grumbled.

"Whether it's true or not they still might say something. What if they bump into each other at the supermarket or something?" Tony shifted his voice into a falsetto imitation of Griffin's mom. "It was lovely seeing Tony the other day, Mrs. Kim. The boys had such a wonderful time playing Dungeons & Dragons."

"Fine. We'll pretend you weren't there. You can sneak in from the garage." Griffin turned to the rest of the group. "That good with everyone? Saturday night? We'll get pizza for dinner and then head over to my place?"

"Yeah Saturday's good," Cobi confirmed.

Everyone else nodded and mumbled in agreement just as the bell rang, signaling the end of lunch period.