The Bends - JJ x Kiara

Lukewarm

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(Kiara)

I didn't expect him to understand. I never expected anyone to be able to understand.

It's so, so difficult- the burden you carry of feeling so intensely for someone that it consumes you.

And I'm scared.

I know I'll end up hurting him. I don't have enough room right now for the big feelings I feel.

The both of us are already deal with so much shit that we can't tell anyone about, or do anything whatsoever.

So we take it out on ourselves.

JJ and I, were complete polar opposites.

And that's what brings us even closer, if possible. Shit, if it was even fucking possible.

I've struggled with so much denial about so many happenings in my life. Like when I started self harming during my kook year. When I couldn't stand to look at myself in the mirror without wanting to break it into pieces.

When I found out JJ had been doing the exact same things, there was something inside me that dropped. From my stomach to my feet- it all tasted like poison.

I was afraid of how much our differences but our similarities would bring us together.

Pope is still asleep on the back of the pickup truck. I'm sitting cross legged, leaning on the edge, staring out onto the beach in Charleston. All because Pope had gotten a mysterious letter. I wonder how that was going to play out for him later.

I love Pope, obviously. I glance over at his long dark lashes and his full lips and a slow smile spreads across my face.

He's an incredible friend, no matter what had happened to us. Our group.

How it split so quickly after John b and Sarah went missing.

I raise my cheeks and smile with no emotion, the dried up tears cracking on my face. I twist around one of the many bracelets around my healing wrists.

Before I can think about how bad my decisions were, how many mistakes i've made, and how I let JJ walk away yet again-

I realize he didn't even go that far.

He took the steps down to the beach and my gaze drifts to a pair of cargo boots sitting lazily on the sand. Along with baggy khakis and a faded red muscle tee.

I watch slowly and lightly as his head pops above the water, as it shakes around, water droplets flying in every direction. I pull off my tank top and the warm wind tousles my hair and raises goosebumps on my skin.

Next comes my jean shorts, falling loosely down to my ankles as I step out of my sandals.

I follow the rusty steps down to the beach, trying not to cross my arms over my completely bare chest. I feel so insecure, so tiny. So worthless in that moment.

I don't really know what I'm doing. And it seems that neither does JJ, as I notice another article of clothing right next to his boots. Almost unnoticeable.

His boxers.

I dip a toe into the lukewarm seawater.

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(JJ)

It's a few minutes before I turn around and watch the most fucking beautiful thing I've ever seen step carefully into the water with me.

Kiara. She's naked, and I'm surprised.

I don't even feel horny.

She just looks so perfect. And God, I feel so much shit. So much fucking emotions are swirling around my brain right now, and I can't control them. They're loud.

She smiles weakly and I want to fucking kiss her pain away.

Worship every single feature on her perfect body. Listen to her talk for hours on end, I'd even fight with her a thousand fucking times if it meant she'd feel like we're more than friends.

I break eye contact.

I realize it's just not that easy.

Kie and me, we couldn't be more different, but we couldn't be more similar either.

I can suddenly feel the stinging of the salt in the healing wounds on my biceps. My gaze softens seeing those bracelets on her frail wrists.

I can't admit it to myself. I can't fucking do anything, right now. We're both still too fragile after John b, it goddamn seems.

Deep down, we know those feelings deep down can't go further right now.

Soon the water gets too deep for her, and she releases and swims toward me into a slow breaststroke.  She grins, and her pearly white teeth almost blind me. Goddamn, I've never felt so insane about someone in my entire life.

No. I'm supposed to still be mad. I'm supposed to be mad she can't figure out how she feels, and how she's been leading me on, how everything sucks right now, and GOD, how perfect her eyelashes and her skin look under the pale ass moonlight.

Her smile fades, and it almost kills me.

"Sorry. I couldn't really go back to sleep after you walked away."

Her voice is quiet, like a whisper but too loud.

I nod quickly. Bite down on the side of my mouth and my lip twists. "S'okay."

Her tits are floating above her stomach and they're so perfect and perky and exactly how I imagined them-

Jesus, pull it together. You wreck. Son of a bitch.

"I don't really have anything to say right now, Kie."

It comes out lacking the harshness I wanted. Shit. It just sounded seductive and like I wanted to bury my face in that perfect chest and lick a stripe right up her-

"I know."

She's swimming closer and my heart keeps beating.

I let out a super shaky breath. I can't fucking do this. I can't.

"I don't feel that way. Not anymore."

I say that as I move closer, looking straight at her lips.

"I know." She repeats.

I swallow.

"I'm sorry I keep giving you mixed signals. But we can't do anything, not right now. I know it'll be too hard for both of us." She licks her already wet lips.

"Yeah. I know, Kie." My southern twinge pops out mid sentence.

She raises her eyebrows and there goes that fucking soft smile again that melts all of my anger into nothing.

"Yeah." Her voice is barely a whisper- her fingers lace through one of my hands. I'm looking down before her mouth is inching closer. So fucking close.

"Kiara."

The air is chilly and there are goosebumps everywhere on my body. I can see the outline of the dark lines across her wrists, as her bracelets separate from the water. I reach slowly through the rippling water and rub my thumb across her arm. I feel so much right now, but I know if we say anything, it's gonna end so badly.

"JJ, I-"

"Don't say it. Just shut up."

Her eyes darken and she leans in, I grab her face, her hands land on my shoulders.

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