One Last Smile

Entry #6

Entry #6

October 14, 2022

Today was a good day. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't great either. Michelle and I decided to roam around Cebu City but she changed her mind at the last minute. I ended up in Busay all alone. Of course, nagpaalam ako. Again, my mom and my kuya thought that I had someone with me.

I did have someone today. I saw my father with his mistress and with his daughter. They celebrated her birthday today. I wasn't going to be nosy about his life kasi wala naman akong papel ngunit nagkataon lang na nasa pareho kaming restawran kumain. They were a little far from my table, yet I could still hear the faint laughter coming from the mistress as her daughter sang a happy birthday song. My father was holding out a camera, capturing their moment.

I did have something with me. There was pain to accompany me as I witnessed them. In the spur of the moment, tears accumulated in the corner of my eyes. My hands were gripping the utensils hardly. My anger was directed at the utensils as I felt the pain getting intense when I saw and heard him dote on his precious daughter.

I was his precious daughter! I should've been his precious daughter.

I didn't fail to notice the tears slipping from my eyes. I tasted its bitterness as it went down my lips and onto my dress. Ang sakit. Sobra.

Dearest Diary, how am I going to cope with the pain? Gusto ko lang namang kumain. I only wanted to breathe.

I didn't fail to notice how my dad glanced in my direction. For a moment, I thought he looked apologetic. My vision was deceiving me. I quickly left the restaurant after I paid for my lunch. I had my lunch yet I wasn't satisfied. I went home with a heavy heart. Tear stains were evident on my face. Kuya Dj had noticed them the moment I locked my eyes with his.

There, I cried in front of him, and I cried even more so when I felt his warm hug. I only wanted to feel that fatherly love and have a whole family...again. Was that too much to ask for?

_______

"What happened?" Kuya asked worriedly. Hindi lang bakas sa tono nya ang kaba na naraamdaman niya kundi bakas din sa mga mata niya. Kinuha nya ang bag ko at pina upo ako bago paman kumuha ng isang baso ng tubig. He immediately opened his arms as soon as he sat beside me.

"Kuya..." I sobbed. "Kuya si papa..." I couldn't finish my sentence. My sobs filled the entire living room, clouding my hearing. "Anong nangyari, Gaelle?" Striktong tanong ni kuya. "Sshhh..." he soothed, rubbing my back gently.

"Kuya's here..." he whispered.

"Papa celebrated his daughter's birthday. He called her my precious daughter, kuya. Ako yun eh!" I screamed with pain lingering in my chest. "Ako dapat yun...ako lang dapat yun..." I wailed.

"Ang sakit kuya. Nakita ko siyang masaya sa bagong pamilya niya. I know it's been years yet I'm still questioning our family's worth. Are we not enough for him, kuya? Hindi ba sapat si mama? Hindi ba tayo sapat? We were good children naman, diba? Sinusunod naman natin siya. Hindi naman tayo naging pasaway, kuya...not to the point na iwan tayo at bumuo ulit ng pamilya. How can he be so cruel?" I let out my frustration as I repeatedly gripped the small pillow. 

Kuya was still hugging me, trying to soothe my back, but I know that he shared the same sentiment. My anger cannot be compared to his rage. I know my brother. 

That's why when I slowly calmed down after a few minutes, I only then realized that kuya's knuckles were showing and they were a little white already. He was muttering curses inside his head. I could hear him. Sa sobrang galit niya ay napaiyak ako muli. This family won't ever be the same again, will it?

"Gaelle, wag mo na 'tong banggitin kay mama ha? Let's just keep it that way. I swear, kuya will avenge you. I will keep you both safe from that evil man." 

Later that night, tumabi ako kay kuya. It sounded so pambata but to my kuya, I am the only sibling he got, and I will forever be my kuya's little sister. Inulit ko pa yung nangyari kanina, hoping that I'd hear his thoughts clearly. We both seldom let out our full rage because we knew it wouldn't do any good for us. 

Hindi kasi madala kapag usapang pamilya na, lalo na kapag galing ka sa isang broken family. The resentment, suffering, and losses would only suffocate a person who's trying to breathe the same air I breathe. 

"Do you think...mom thought of killing herself?" I asked while fiddling with my own blanket. Kuya slept on the floor with the mattress. I could vaguely hear the shaking of his head as it made contact with his pillow. "We may be weak, but our mother is strong. Well, at least she pretends to be strong. You know, she's only doing it for us. She's only doing everything she can on her will because of us. Siguro, kung wala tayo, kung wala silang anak, siguro...maybe she would."

"Cheaters like papa shouldn't be allowed to roam freely and make a new family, kuya. Adulterers should be locked away." I suggested, my voice getting weaker as I felt the lingering pain convincing me to sleep. 

"I wished for that. Even as a guy, I know what he did was immoral. As a filial son, I idolized our father. Sabi ko pa nga, I would love a woman the same why our father loved our mother. That was before everything was ruined..." kuya smiled bitterly before he scoffed. He then continued, "Sometimes, I wished that mom did not find out about it. At the very least, we would be like before, happy. Yet, I knew that we would never be happy. Our father had already committed adultery, and he would never be able to correct what he did wrong. Babalik at babalik pa rin tayo sa sitwasyong ito. Sometimes, I wished that he was completely gone from this place. Ayoko nang makita siyang muli."

"What he did...it made me think of my whole existence, of our existence. Did our father ever love us? Was I born out of love? Kasi ako yung panganay, what if dad's greatest love was not mom? And I was the consequence of his betrayal. There were too many possible situations to think of, Gaelle. Situations that I would not want you to indulge yourself in."

He smiled before hastily pecking my forehead. I was already asleep, but I sensed him and my ears were listening to him. 

Kuya's pain is worse than mine...