One Last Smile

Entry #18

Entry #18

December 15, 2022

Hindi ko alam kung malungkot o masaya ba ako ngayon. Today was the big day, the opening ceremony of our Intramurals. Syempre, I was supposed to be happy. I think it was mainly because of that occasional blue thing where you suddenly feel nervous and upset without knowing why.

Other than that, my feelings were deeply affected by Kyan. He felt like a stranger to me, like I never knew of him. Ewan kung patungkol na naman ito kay Vaughn because he's been messing with us noong nakaraang araw pa. I really thought he was a good guy back then.

I cried today. I felt suffocated, wandering around the college campus, and to experience this first day without him hurt me, not when today marked the first month since we started going out as a couple. We've decided to stick together today but Vaughn just had to be in the picture. His friends just had to be.

And today, I realized that sustaining a relationship is never easy. Natakot ako bigla kasi hindi ko naman 'to nakita sa mga pelikula. However, it only took a glance from him and everything felt right once again.

Pano na kaya sa susunod na mga buwan? Does love really sustain a relationship? Because if so, I love him. I love him that it hurts sometimes.

_______

It was early in the morning and the officers were getting ready for the big day. I was running around the eighth floor looking for him. I found him sa may comfort room just near the stairs when I was about to go downstairs. I had something to tell him but he was in such a good mood that I was hesitant to speak of it. "Happy first monthsary, baby. You don't seem to look happy at all, I take that back."

Ayun na nga. "I'm stressed right now but I am happy for us. Happy monthsary, love." I couldn't help but force a smile. I was indeed happy for us. I wanted to greet him without thinking of what I was told a while ago. Kumunot naman kaagad ang noo niya, and he held my shoulders so I could face him properly. "Why? What do you mean, Dez?"

I fixed his hair before I decided to tell him the truth. "Vaughn doesn't want me to work with you today. He said that it would be best if I stayed as an audience this time. I'm gonna be with Michelle the whole day, but I want to be with you." I was hoping that I would get a disappointed expression on his face but all I saw was an awkward response. His response then surprised me. "Uhm, that's the thing...I can't work a lot when you're with me." Hurt me actually. His response hurt me.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. "Does that mean I'm a distraction? I'm sorry. Then I guess I'd stick with Michelle—stop, that's enough." I didn't let him say anything and I just dashed away from him, running down the staircase. Nasaktan ako sa sinabi niya, and maybe I misunderstood him but the pain overwhelmed me and I almost shed tears upon meeting Michelle on the stairs to the third floor.

"Mabuti naman at nahanap na kita. I've been looking for you. The guys from our section wanted to pay for the karaoke room in bulk. Okay lang—"

I couldn't help but glare in her direction, though I never meant it. "Ask the others, Michelle. I don't know about that." Michelle looked at me with confusion in her eyes. It was as if she saw everything in my eyes when she hugged me after taking a glance at me.

I ended up roaming around the college campus. I was absolutely driven by my frustration and my own hunger. Kahit ano nalang yung kinain ko. First, I bought two different kinds of waffles and I paired them with coffee. I then stayed inside the movie booth all by myself and bought popcorn along the way. I met a couple of my classmates with whom I carelessly spent my money. Kahit ano nalang talaga yung ginawa ko just so I could keep myself distracted.