One Last Smile

Entry #19

Entry #19

December 25, 2022

Dear Diary,

Christmas in Barili, Cebu, with the ones who shone the light in my life! Christmas is a time when our hearts are purified, negativities are eradicated, and peace would prosper from within. Today was a time that I never imagined to be delightful. It was precious and tender, for me at the very least. Naomi and Francheska were with us. Yes, our family became one today, as strange as it sounded, but we decided to blend. 

It was difficult to accept, but it was bound to happen anyways. All I wish was for Mom to find love either from someone or from herself. Dad seemed happy with Naomi and Francheska, and although I know Mom's happy because she got us, pero iba pa rin yung nakikita kong may lalaking nagmamahal kay mama. All the best for Mom. 

_______

"Say kuya Dylan..."  Naomi sweetly mimicked what I told her to do while I was carrying her in my arms. We were just outside the glass doors. The house was overlooking the sea and the breeze at this time was just relaxing. It was like it was telling me to mend my relationship with this little brat in my arms. "Stop teaching her nonsense, Gaelle."

"Come on, kuya. I used to hate this child too, you know. I hated how she would always cling to me and how she would call me ate, but I guess Francheska taught her all those things. I can't blame this child though..." I crunched my face as I stooped down to put her on the floor. Kuya sat and I did the same as he handed me a can of flavored beer. 

We were talking about our lives and how it is changing. He said change was inevitable, but he's perplexed about how he can't seem to accept it now. I told him it was denial. Alam naman namin na hindi ito magiging madali, but both of us were hopeful for the result. Gusto naming mamuhay ng mapayapa, yung wala nang gulo. Iba kasi yung effect pag yung problema ay nanggagaling sa pamilya. Family conflict destroys people, and I'm glad we're resolving it. 

I passed Naomi to kuya Dj who was reluctant in holding her, but he did it anyway. I forgot to describe this girl. She had curly hair sa may bandang huli sa buhok niya. Her face is round and her cheeks are full and squishy. She's got black eyes and they are as well as hooded. Her lips are in the form of a cupid bow. And now, she's pretty much cozied up on kuya's chest.  

We took some selfies and I captured some 'aesthetic vibes' photos for my Instagram. I didn't want to use much of my phone kasi gusto kong sumabay sa daloy ng araw ngayon. Kyan was enjoying his time with his family and he didn't want to disturb me too, so we decided to not communicate much today, though updates were still on the table. 

It was at this moment that Kuya and I talked about Kyan and his love. "I heard Michelle made a move sa'yo? How did you manage my dear friend? Wag mong sabihing binasted mo?" He scoffed at binatukan niya ako. 

"Either she's pretentious or plainly dense. Small talks here and there, ganun lang. Didn't you tell her about me though? I thought you warned her." I looked at kuya as he said something about himself and how he didn't really want anyone at this moment. I knew he loved someone else and that someone is still making a home in his heart, or perhaps he's caging her there. 

I blinked a couple of times as I watched him play with Naomi as we both continued to talk. "Sinabi ko naman talaga sa kaniya na tantanan ka na, but I guess she's interested in you. Iba naman kasi yung nagkagusto kaysa sa interesado hindi ba?"

Agad siyang tumingin sa'kin na para bang katatawanan yung sinabi ko. "Hmmm, tell me the difference."

"When you simply like someone, you're usually influenced by your closeness, the moments you had and you would like to have with this someone. You're maybe influenced by their looks, or how they act towards you. But, when you're interested in someone, it's because—it should be—you're interested in their behavior. You would want to understand that, to know what makes them happy or sad or what makes them feel extreme emotions, like their likes and dislikes, anong klaseng kape ang iinumin niya tuwing umaga, kung mas gusto ba niya ang buwan kaysa sa araw...mga ganon lang."

"Aren't the two similar? You can do that naman when you like someone—"

"Kaya wala kang jowa ngayon eh. Di mo man lang inintindi yung sinabi ko. Eh kung pektusan kaya kita eh no?" Kuya and I have had our fair share of deep talks. Yet, it was uncanny for us to talk about this, about love.

Naomi actually fell asleep on kuya's lap. It was the time when kuya asked about Kyan. I knew he was just being protective sa rami-rami ba naman niyang satsat kanina. I guess he was only projecting his fear of guys hurting my heart into Kyan's image, that's why he disliked him. I understand him now, and I hoped he does too. 

Later that night, I said so many prayers for so many people in my life. I've apologized and I continued to apologize through my prayer, wishing and hoping for my life to be filled with values. Andami ko naman kasing blessings na natanggap ngayon. 

Tonight, I realized that God is indeed a kind God. He understands what our hearts desire the most, yung desire na hindi natin alam, o ayaw nating alamin. Blessings come in disguise; it is even the disturbances in life, the struggles, the heartbreaks, and the people who came and went away, and of course, those who stayed.

Bonus na syempre si Kyan. 

_______