amnesia ➳ 5sos [au]

15

I collapse onto bed with, the first in a while now, a full stomach. I try my best to fall asleep, but again, something is bothering me. I sit up in the dark room and observe it in the moonlight.

I realize what might be bothering me is the dirtiness of my room. Although I'm used to it being dirty, it's dirtier than usual. I get up and flick the lights on, placing my hand on my hips, wondering where I'm going to start.

I clean for an hour till I decide it's clean enough. I choose to pick up some of the clothes under my bed and then I'll go to sleep. While going through the clothes I find a small book, probably a school notebook. I put it on my desk without another thought and put the clothes away into my closet. 

I'm walking over to the light switch, walking past my desk. I notice the book isn't like most of my notebooks. it's leather bound and smaller then most.  I sit down by my desk and examine it, it's quite worn from use and has many extra pages sticking out. I open it and read the first two words

Dear Diary,

I close it immediately. My diary. Even though it is mine, I do feel like I'm violating my own privacy. I open it cautiously again and see that the date was from four years ago. I read through the pages carefully, laughing at my eleven year old self. All I talk about is my huge crush on some guy I kept anonymous, calling him "fishy". I'm guessing it's Luke since I'm dating him to this day. 

I continue to read and I can see myself developing and growing more mature. I read and read till I flip the page and find a blank space. I guess that's all I wrote.

I notice a pen by my side and I grab it and without even knowing it, I start to write.

I spill all my feelings onto the page and it feels great. I don't even know what I'm writing, yet I know it's personal and contains thoughts I've refused to think.

When I'm done I sign my name at the bottom. I don't read it over, not wanting to know what I think.

I flick the light off and climb into bed, feeling empty. But a good empty. I fall asleep slowly. My last thought is about how the itch in my brain is gone.

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Aye five hundred reads! Love you guys lot :-)
xx
An