amnesia ➳ 5sos [au]

35

Why did she want to join him? He watches her fragile body as the doctors stick tubes into her, trying to save her. But they can't do anything, it's all up to her. 

"Don't join me. You'll join me when it's the time, but that's not now. Stay strong. Please, for me"

Slowly I feel our connection break, fading like static. When I can no longer hear the static I turn to leave when I swear I hear her say "Only for you"

**

"Thia? Her eyes are opening!"

My eyes open slowly and I lick my chapped lips

"I'm alive" I mumble sadly to myself

"You're alive baby, you're here" My mom reassures, patting my hand

I shake my head gently, looking down at my pale hands. My purple and blue veins stick out against my white skin, pumping what makes me live.

For him. This is for him.

**

They put me into a care centre. Slowly, my feelings returned and I started to feel the human I lost.

The lady there was very kind. She listened to what I had to say and understood. She made me better.

But I couldn't have done it without Ashton. I don't believe in heaven, but I do believe in some sort of afterlife and I think wherever Ash is, he's watching me. 

Luke, my mom, Calum and Michael visited me every second they could and without that I don't think I would've recovered. 

Don't get me wrong. There are still bad days but I push past them. Today they're letting me go for the day, to go to Ashton's funeral.

I look at myself in Luke's mirror. I'm wearing a knee-length black dress with lace sleeves, to cover my wrists. 

I turn around to face Luke sitting on his bed in a black tux.

"Ready?" I ask him

He nods slowly "Are you?"

I shake my head. How could I ever be ready to see the boy I practically killed?

"Definately not" I answer "But I have to go. For him" 

"I'm proud of you babe" Luke mumbles, getting up and kissing me on the forehead "And Ash would be too"

I nod, hopeing he's right

"Ok, let's go" I say, as we head out the door with Luke's mom and mine following behind us. 

**

I smooth out my dress, taking another deep breath. I play with the heels of my shoe as I listen to the sadness in the air.

"You gonna be ok?" Luke whispers into my ear. I nod reluctantly as he leads me down the aisle to greet the large box at the end

The lid is open, so I can see Ashton's pale face. He should be smiling, he was always smiling. I grimace when I notice the tacky suit he has on, allowing myself the smallest of smiles.

"Oh Luke" I mumble, holding in my tears and burrying myself into Luke's arms.

"I know Thi" He mumbles back, rubbing the small of my back

We take our seats beside my mother and Luke's mom. I sneak a look at Luke and I notice how red his eyes are. I search for the familiar bleached hair and black hair. I spot Calum two rows ahead of us, sobbing gently into his sister's arm.

I find Michael, with red hair, who is walking down the aisle to see Ash with Ashton's little sister and brother beside him.

I shake my head, this is all my fault.

When everyone is seated a man speaks at the front, about god and shit like that. But I don't want him too, Ashton wasn't religous. Ashton wouldn't have wanted this. I shake my head, letting some tears fall. Luke notices and wipes them off my face for me, giving me a small smile. How is he being so strong?

"Next, I believe Luke and Thia wanted to sing a song for Ashton" I hear the man at the front say. Luke get's up, pulling a guitar out of no where. He offers me his hand

"For Ashton?" He asks me

I hesitate, but I put my doubt behind me"For Ashton" I nod, taking his hand and allowing him to pull me to the front

We walk to the front together, Luke holding my hand. I grab the microphone and I'm about to hand it to Luke when he mumbles "Just you. Ashton would've wanted it that way"

I nod, knowing he's probably right

"I just wanted to say that Ashton wrote most of this song. He wanted me and Thi to finish it for him so we did."

I take a deep breath and nod when I'm ready and he starts to play the slow and simple melody

"I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted" I start

"I thought about our last kiss, the way it felt, the way you tasted" I sing. When we get the chorus I can't help but tear up at the lyrics "I wish that I could wake up with amnesia, and forget about the stupid little things"

I almost can't sing the second verse but I hold back my tears and sing for him. I try to imagine him watching us, hopefully smiling. 

"If today I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream, I'd hold you closer then I ever did before, and you'd never slip away" I sing

"And the memories I never can escape, cause I'm not fine at all"