amnesia ➳ 5sos [au]

24

I'm shaking my leg nervously when Michael puts a hand on my thigh, implying for me to stop. I do so but with that I begin to tap my fingers. Michael rolls his eyes at me and I roll mine back.

I'm nervous! I'm not sure seeing Ashton right now is a good choice. Yes, they're finally accepting visitors for him but I'm not sure he's ready for them.

I play with the foil of the bouquet of flowers I got him and bite my lip nervously. At least I stopped tapping my fingers

"It'll be ok" Michael says, grabbing my hand and giving it a quick squeeze, sensing my nerves

I nod, trying to convince myself this too "Ms. Brookes and Mr. Clifford?" The clerk asks aloud. Michael and I both stand up and I notice him wipe his hands on his jeans. He's obviously nervous too, he's just better at hiding it then I am. The clerk smiles at us, gesturing to her right down the hallways "room 69" she says

Michael snorts and I hit him lightly in the arm, but still not able to suppress my own smile "Grow up, dickhead" I whisper to him and he lets out another laugh. I smirk as we walk towards Ashton's room.

My nerves did disappear for a second, but now they've returned and I walk faster in anticipation. I just want Ashton to be ok. He doesn't deserve to die, he's such an amazing person.

The past couple weeks where Ashton has been in the hospital made me realize that I need him in life. Whether it's to fill in my bored times or to genuinely talk to about my feelings, Ashton was always there.

I'm not able to think about this much longer since we've arrived at his room "knock knock" Michael says, rapping lightly on the door. I spot Ashton in the hospital bed and I'm already tearing up.

He's extremely pale, with so many tubes sticking out of him. I blink back my tears and try to smile, approaching him slowly

"Hey Ashy" I greet him. His face remains expressionless as I place the flowers on his bedside. I frown at this and bite my lip "You doing ok?" I ask him, concerned

He makes eye contact with me, but his face remains still and solemn. I try multiple times to start conversation, but his face remains straight the whole time.

I feel Michael's hand on my shoulder and I look up and face him, trying to communicate with my eyes. He furrows his eyebrows, clearly not getting my message. I whisper harshly to him "What am I supposed to say?"

Michael just shrugs and I roll my eyes "I can hear you, you know?" Ashton croaks

I turn my body to face him and smile, glad he's talking "Sorry about that. Talk to us"

He just shakes his hand angrily "You want to know what's wrong?" I blink at his sudden change of mood "You're wrong, Lethia. You're wrong," I furrow my eyebrows, not even trying to hide my confusion. He rolls his eyes at me

"I try and fucking kill myself because of you!" He says, raising his voice. Me? What did I do? "And I wake up and find that I'm alive, when I want so badly to be dead. What do I find out next? That the girl lead me to want to kill myself, fucking saved me," He groans in frustration "Why can't you just leave me alone!" He finishes, breathing hard from yelling and wailing his arms.

I remove my hand from his bed and unintentionally take a few steps back "What?" I manage to ask in a breathy voice

"C'mon, let's go" I hear Michael say

"Yeah, listen to your other boyfriend" Ashton spits

"My boyfriend?" I ask, confused. I blink my eyes several times. What did I do to make Ash want to kill himself?

My mind races through all our memories together and all I ever come up with are happy ones. Then suddenly I remember Ruth. Maybe he's still in love with her?

"Is if because of Ruth?" I ask, Michael tugging at my arms, trying to tell me we should go

Ashton just shakes his head again "You won't understand, and you probably never will." he says, his voice slightly softer "Please Thia, just go"

Michael pulls me out of the room before I can oblige, giving Ashton a short goodbye. Once we're out of the room he leads me back to the waiting room and sits me down on one the chairs

"Thia, I'm going to go back in there, but you can't follow me. Ash obviously doesn't want to see you right now, but I can tell he needs to talk about it. Got it?" He asks me. I only nod, not able to form words. He nods back "Good, I'll be out in 10 and we'll drive home" he give me a smile and walks back towards Ashton's room

I feel the familiar lump in my throat as I blink back tears. I can't hold the tears back anymore. I rush to the nearest bathroom and slam the closest stall door shut, letting the tears fall.

Honestly, all I want for Ashton is to be happy. But I guess I'm not included in the process anymore.

I sit on the lid of the toilet seat, for who knows how long when I hear a knock on the stall

"Thia? You in there?" I hear Michael say on the other end

"What do you want?" I manage to croak out

"To help you" he replies, with concern in his voice

I heave a big sigh while getting up and opening the stall. Michael stumbles in, previously leaning on the stall door and I catch him, and i can't suppress my small laugh. He smiles back, getting up.

"Mikey, you know I love you, but can you just take me to Luke's?" I ask

He nods "Of course" he says, a small smile appearing on his face "C'mon, let's go. Before someone finds me in here" I laugh again, remembering we're in the girls bathroom. He smiles greater, obviously having joy in my laugh. This make me smile. We walk out of the bathroom and into the parking lot.

We reach his car and he opens the door for me. I smile "How kind of you" I giggle out. He just smiles and walks to the drivers side

Then I remember why we were there and why I was crying in the first place. I swallow "Um, Michael?" I ask. He looks up at me, buckling his seatbelt "What did Ashton say?" I ask

He grimaces slightly, but quickly replaces it with a small smile "Don't worry about it" he says, starting up the car

"Michael, of course I'm going to worry about. Can you just tell me?" I ask, pleadingly

He shakes his head "Thia, I honesty don't think you should know"

I sigh, crossing my arms across my chest "Fine" I pout like a six year old

Michael just laughs and starts to drive towards Luke's house.

At least I'll be able to see my little Lucas. He'll make everything better.