amnesia ➳ 5sos [au]

34

I sit in the silent dark, writing down my thoughts even though I can't even see them. But it doesn't matter. My thoughts are fucked up, shouldn't my writing be to?

I hear a gentle knock on my door which flames my anger. Can't anybody understand I just want to be alone?

"Go away!" I mumble

"Thia, it's Luke" I hear my mom say

"I don't care!" I yell louder

Yet, Luke opens the door and flicks on the light. I groan loudly, planting my face into my sheets

"Thia, I know you want to be alone but I have something for you" Luke says. I can tell he's trying to be calm, but his voice cracks and shakes. 

I feel him sit on the bed, placing his hand on my back. "Thia, it's from Ash" 

I bolt up, scaring Luke a bit. But shortly he hands me a piece of paper and a CD. I lick my lips, my hands shaking while I unfold the paper

Thia,

God, I guess you won't ever know how much I love you. But Thia I swear from the bottom of my fucking heart I love you so. You're the sun that lights up my dark days and I can't thank you enough. I'm not sorry I had to go, but I'm sorry I'm making you feel like I did. The only difference between what I'm feeling, and what you're feeling, is you'll get over your depression. 

You have Luke, the love of your life. You both love each other, and everyone can tell what you two have is special. While I don't have you, because you belong to somebody else and that's why I wasn't able to push through, but you will. 

I honestly don't know how these notes are supposed to go, but I love you Thi and I just want you to be happy. That's one of the many reasons I had to go, I was just dragging you down Thia and I don't want that. I love you Lethia Brookes. I love you.

xoxo
Fishy (aka, Ashton Fletcher Irwin)

I look up from the note, tears welling in my eyes "Luke, what is this?" I ask him

"Ashton was planning on comitting suicide again, either way Thia, he wasn't going to make it" Luke informs me

I shake my head, and Luke embraces me in a hug. This time, he let's his tears flow too and we cry together

When we've both calmed down Luke get's up and puts the CD in my laptop

"I think you should hear this" He tells me before pressing play

"Hi Thi" I hear Ashton's voice say. I choke, hearing his voice again "Um, I wrote this song for you. It's not quite done but I don't think I can last any longer so" He pauses 

"Some of the lyrics didn't actually happened, but I think they relate to our situation and alot of these lyrics were inspired by some, um, nightmares I had"

"Um, yeah, here it is. It's called Amnesia" He chuckles "Sorry, you getting amnesia inspired it"

I give a small laugh before remembering he's gone and the put in my stomache is back

"I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted, I thought about our last kiss how it felt the way you tasted."

Me and Luke listen to the song. I listen to the lyrics intently, realizing how personal this was to Ashton. 

"And the memories I never can escape" He finishes "Um, so I know it's really rough but I was wondering if you and Luke could finish it for me. Just tweak it up, yeah? Add that Lethia twist" He chuckles and my heart drops yet sings at the sound of his laugh

"So um, I'm off to go see you for the last time. I recorded this who knows where so I'm gonna go drive and meet you at the playground. Hopefully you let me down gently. Love you Thi and stay strong" 

Then the recording ends and we're left in silence. I let a couple tears run down my cheeks, but I quickly wipe them off

"We're gonna finish that song, right here, right now" I demand, grabbing my guitar. I play the CD again, skipping him speaking and quickly figure out the chords and picking. While I'm doing this Luke writes down the lyrics Ash wrote

When I'm done writing the chords down I read over the lyrics, finding the chorus, pre-chorus and verses "All we need is a bridge and I think we should add a better ending" I inform to Luke and he nods. "You come up with the melody and I'll do lyrics" and Luke nods, already picking out a melody for the bridge

I take my journal and scan through my recent entries and I find the poem I wrote a while ago, by the lake

If today I woke up with you right beside me, like all of this was just some twisted dream, I'd hold you closer than I ever did before and you'd never slip away.  

Luke looks over my shoulder "Wow this fits perfectly into the melody" I nod, the poem was meant for this song. 

We go on like this till we have a bridge and a new ending. We collapse onto my bed, not hesitating to cuddle up beside each other. 

"Are you feeling better now?" Luke asks me from behind. I think about this. I thought I would've felt better, finishing his song for him, but if anything I feel worse. But I lie and nod

"How about you?" I ask Luke and he nods immediately

"I feel like I've had the chance to say goodbye to him. A proper goodbye, you know?" He asks and I nod, pretending I do even though I don't. 

I realize I can't keep going without Ashton. Even though I may not have loved him in that way, I loved Ashton to the core. He was an essential part of my life and I can't live it without him. I can't. 

I stumble from my bed, freeing myself my Luke's grasps. Luckily he's a heavy sleeper. I clumsily walk into my bathroom, looking myself in the mirror. All I see is Ashton's killer, like I murdered him. In a way, I guess I did. 

I shake my head, splashing my face with cold water. I look myself in the mirror again but I can't stand to look at my face. I can't fucking stand to look at the girl who killed Ashton. I turn slightly around and sit on my toilet seat, sobbing just quietly enough that no one whill hear me. 

I lift my head up and notice some of my razors layed on my bathroom counter and I don't hesitate to take one of them and unhinge the blade. I drag it over my skin, expecting the usual relief it use to come with but it doesn't come. I'm still empty. 

No, no, no. Where's the relief? I sob, marking myself all over my body expecting the usual relief. But it doesn't come. This use to fill my emptiness but all it's doing is leaving me even more empty then before, which I didn't even think was possible. 

I lean back and bump into one of my shelves, knocking down my mother's pills. I stare at them, cotemplating what to do with them. 

I can be with Ashton. I can be with him. 

With that thought I pick up the pills, emptying the small container onto my hands. I stare at them

"On three" I mumble to myself, replying the memory of me and Ashton about to jump into the lake. I can hear him start the countdown

"1" I hear his voice say

"2" I continue

"3" his voice and I say in unison as I put my hand up against my mouth, swallowing the pills