Miraculous Mistakes

The Father Of My Child

Maddison's POV:

A few weeks later, I was due for another check up at the hospital for my pregnancy. They told me the ultrasound was going to happen very soon, while I was being examined. My mother was by my side this time around, and I had noticed that my baby bump had started to grow. The heart beat of my child was still growing strong and that was lovely to hear again. 

When we were on our way out, "I think Hayden should be there with you when you find out the sex of the baby" my mother said, as we climb into the car within the parking lot.

 I was already texting Hayden, giving him an "everything looks good" message as I looked over at my mother. 

"I don't know if I'm ready for that.. all of this just feels so intimate and I'm not there with him yet" I said, seeing Hayden send me a thumbs up emoji on my screen. 

"As long as you're still giving him a chance" she says, starting the car, as I put my seat belt on. 

"I am.. we're just taking things slow. He invited me over for dinner tonight. Apparently, I still owe him a "what have I been doing these last four years" answer. He already told me his when we were bowling" I said, as my mother turned down a street. 

"How was that by the way? you didn't break any fingers or toes, so I am assuming you had fun?" she asked, as memories from that night resurfaced in my mind and I remembered the daughter and joyful father at the bowling alley that day. I could still feel the jealousy creeping back in. But that's only because I can remember my father and I being that close when I was younger. Before I reached double digits in life and he decided he was no longer fit to be my father. Or my mother's husband. 

I still don't know what flipped a switch in his mind, what made him want to be my father one day, and leave this family the next. Those nine years I spent with him in my life, are still wracking in my brain 24/7. They never leave me. And as much as I try to push them away because the memory of what him and I don't have anymore, only makes me hate him even more, for leaving. I feel like not forgiving my father for leaving, is what is preventing me from forgiving Hayden. 

"Maddie?" my mother asked, after I was silent for quite some time.

 "Oh sorry.. yeah I had fun." I forced, making a smile spread across my face, as I looked out the window. I didn't want her to know I missed him, or that I hated that I missed him. But I wanted to be more like my mother, be happy for my father that he found another family. Be happy for my father that he fell in love the way he wanted to with another woman. Be happy for my father that he has new kids that make him feel well fit to be a father again. But I can't. 

Cause I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what my mother did wrong. The only person I have to blame for making me feel like this is him. But he's not here. And nonetheless, that grudge still remains. The one right next to Hayden's grudge that I have built like a dam around my heart. Not a single apology will break it, not a single "but I've changed" will prosper. Not a single act of forgiveness will bring that dam crashing down. I have no idea what will. 

I was getting ready for my dinner with Hayden, feeling a bit nervous that it was gonna be just him and I in his apartment. We haven't been together, just the two of us somewhere, since the day I broke the news to him that I was pregnant. So I didn't have hopes as to how my answer to his four year question would go, but I was hopeful. I slipped on a silk red satin dress, it was a beautiful cherry red. 

I loved how flattering the color red looked on me, it made me feel confident and sexy. the two things I needed right now since my pregnancy was turning me into a whole different person on the outside. The weight gain, the food cravings, which sucked cause sometimes I would crave food I couldn't eat while pregnant. And even the hormones. They were sending me for a whirlwind of emotions.