Never Ever

18| You taste sweet

It's the day before the meet, and all I can think about is Noah's mouth. I run my thumb across my lips, remembering how sweet he'd tasted, even if only for a moment. It was hardly a kiss, not exactly something to be excited about, so why can't I stop thinking about it?

Eyes closed, I allow myself a moment to picture him. He swoops toward me, pulling me closer and kissing my neck until I let out a soft, dreamy sigh. It urges him on, forcing his hands to explore all the places that, to this day, remain unventured. With an influx of heat, dream me reaches toward him, running my nails down the length of his back, breathing in his scent.

As my breath catches, Addy releases a snore so loud that I almost fall out of bed. I glance over, my heart thrumming as I study her face. I expected her to be watching me, to know precisely what thoughts had been playing in my head, but she's fast asleep.

I let out a rush of breath and head to the bathroom, determined to stop obsessing over this, but the distance has only made things worse. It's been two days since I saw him, and while I'm certain it has nothing to do with me and everything to do with training for his meet, I can't help but wonder if he's already bored.

So what if he is? I shouldn't care. I don't want to care - Noah losing interest would be a blessing in disguise - but I do. As hard as it is to admit, that night on the rooftop changed things. I'd seen a side of him he'd tried to keep hidden, and as a result, my defenses had weakened, making me wonder, would falling for Noah be so bad?

***

I arrive at Noah's before Addy wakes up, taking the stairs to the rooftop to avoid running into him. The longer we stay apart, the more time I have to sort out my feelings and decide if falling is worth it, which is why I'm so relieved I'm here - it's after a swim that I often make my best decisions.

After putting down my things, I spend the first fifteen minutes doing warm-up laps. The water is colder than usual, the sky above me an ominous gray, so I swim a little quicker before the rain starts and puts an end to my training.

Tryouts are around the corner, and while I feel more confident in the water than I have in a long time, I still have this hangup about the deep end. The only time I hadn't, the only time I'd forgotten my fear completely, was the night I tried to save Noah.

After a few laps to the halfway mark, I return to the shallow end and look toward the deep end, taking a slow, steady breath. Maybe it's morbid, but I play that night on repeat in my head, imagining him needing my help.

Then, with a deep breath, I swim. The water feels cool as it rolls off my skin, my arms propelling me closer to the imaginary Noah. I keep him as my focus, refusing to let in any intrusive thoughts, refusing to think. I see him and swim.

The muscles in my legs work overdrive as I kick, creating ripples in the water behind me. My breathing echoes in my ears, and I feel the rhythm of my heartbeat, alive with adrenaline, as I glide through the water. Like that night, there is no fear or panic, only Noah.

Before I know it, I've reached the end and clinging to the ledge for dear life. I take a few moments to steady my breathing, then do the impossible and look over my shoulder, seeing how far I've come. Crystal-clear water stretches before me, the shallow end a blip in the distance. I smile and lean back, dipping my head as I take in the ominous clouds. I did it, which means if I can do it once, I can do it again.

Maybe I'll be ready for tryouts after all.

By the time I return to my dorm and shower, it's nearly ten am. I arrive at the lecture hall with ten minutes to spare, wondering whether Noah will show up or blow it off for training again.