𝚂𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚗 𝙳𝚊𝚢 𝙵𝚘𝚘𝚕 - 𝙺. 𝚂𝚊𝚔𝚞𝚜𝚊 𝚡 𝙾𝙲

Chapter Eighteen - Doubts

Chapter Eighteen

Anxiety left Sajima jittering as she bounced in front of her closet Saturday morning. She had no idea where Sakusa wanted to go but was determined to be presentable and on her best behaviour. Of course, not knowing what he had in mind only made that harder to do. Sajima stared into her closet as if she was lost in an abyss before she knew she just had to make a choice and live with the consequences if it ended up wrong.

Sakusa, who had made a point of getting to the coffee shop earlier than Sajima so he could treat her to her morning café mocha, waited with bated breath. Having heard about the volleyball match his cousin was playing this morning to help raise money for the local children's hospital, Sakusa knew it would be perfect for them to attend. He was aware that he knew far more about Sajima than she did about him, and sharing something he enjoyed with her was an excellent way to remedy that...especially when it meant his nosy teammates wouldn't be around. Of course, that meant he'd have to make some sort of introduction to Komori, but he was the lesser evil at the moment.

"Damn it," Sajima cursed as she walked through the door with windswept hair in her face. She sighed and stepped to the side, using her fingers to try and figure out where the part of her hair was to begin adjusting it. "At least I have some time before he gets here."

Unfortunately for her, Sakusa noticed the moment she passed through the entrance because of her cursing and had to purse his lips to not laugh at her expense. He wasn't just going to leave her there to struggle, though, and was quick enough to reach her side to catch her comment. "Actually, I thought I'd get a headstart today. Sorry to disappoint."

"Can you just pretend you didn't see me yet?"

"No, but I can help untangle your hair," he offered.

Holding true to her goal, Sajima shook her head. "That's okay. I'll just go fix it in the bathroom."

"Alright. I'll be in the usual spot, but don't be too long, or your drink will get cold."

After shuffling her way to the bathroom, Sajima banged her head against the door a few times out of frustration. Not even a minute in, she'd already embarrassed herself; she wasn't exactly off to a good start. Once she mustered the courage to see how bad her hair was, her shoulders slumped forward. There was no way she could wear it down like she wanted to now. It was way too poofy for her liking. Using her fingers to comb out the knots that had formed, Sajima tried to make the best of it by pulling her pitch-black hair into a high ponytail. She took a few steps back to survey herself in the mirror and confirmed everything else was still suitable before heading out.

Sakusa smiled as she walked towards him, her hair bouncing with each step she took and the circle skirt of her dusty rose fitted sundress swaying along with it. "You know you don't have to keep dressing up, right? It doesn't make much difference to me if you're in those leggings you like and a baggy sweater, as usual."

Sajima looked down at her dress self-consciously. "Is it too much? I thought it looked nice...."

"It looks beautiful, don't get me wrong. I just want to make sure you're doing it for you," Sakusa clarified, motioning to her usual chair. "We have time to kill, so if you want to–wait. Did you forget your bag in the washroom?"

"I didn't know where we were going, so I figured I'd leave my stuff at home this time. My bag would look ridiculous with this pretty dress anyway."

Sakusa took a sip of his coffee and hummed thoughtfully. "I'm glad you're giving yourself a break today."

•·················•·················•

Once the pair had reached their destination, Sajima began to feel uneasy, and her guilt crept back into her mind as she stared at all the people filing into the EJP Raijin home arena. "Sakusa, I don't think this is such a good idea after all...."

"I thought you had fun at the match you attended?"

"I had a lot of fun, but this is different. You're not playing this time, you're part of the crowd, and it looks like there's going to be a lot of spectators," Sajima reasoned. "I'd be happier to go somewhere that doesn't make you uncomfortable."

Sakusa hummed softly as he gained a better understanding of her caution. "This place is quite large, but I've already made arrangements. My cousin is playing today and managed to get box seats, so fewer people are around."

"Oh..." Sajima looked away, embarrassed that she thought he was doing it for her sake. "That's great news."

With her long ponytail nearly swished in his face, Sakusa gently tugged on the end of it to get her attention. "Thank you for worrying about me, Sajima."

"Sorry, I should've known you thought ahead...."

"Relax, you had no way of knowing," he soothed, letting the back of his hand brush against hers before clasping it.

Sajima lightly pulled her hand away and tucked it behind her back to intertwine with her other. She wasn't about to let him continue to sacrifice his comfort for her sake. She looked toward the entrance before smiling up at him. "Shall we?"

"Yes," Sakusa confirmed despite the sinking feeling in his stomach and motioned forward. "After you."

"Sakusa, I have no idea where we're going," Sajima laughed, motioning him forward just as he had for her. "After you."

With a quick nod, Sakusa led the way, frequently checking to ensure she was near and didn't get lost in the shuffle. He wished she would have allowed him to hold her hand, it would've lessened his anxiety just as it had in the past, especially seeing as he didn't bring a mask to take a step forward with his mental health, but she hadn't. Not that he had told her any of that, though. Sakusa could only assume that she was beginning to keep him at arm's length, and while it hurt in some ways, it motivated him in others. He appeared to have lost her trust, and he was more determined than ever to earn it back.

That wasn't true, of course. While Sajima had drawn her own conclusions of what he thought of her, she hadn't questioned her faith in him. Instead, she looked within herself to find flaws she felt she should address based on her assumptions. Sakusa's earlier comment about her clothes had vexed her for a while, but she figured he was just trying to be considerate.

After climbing several flights of stairs, they reached their seats and settled in. Sakusa leaned a little closer to her and pointed out a circle of men in black jerseys. "My cousin is on the home team. Number 10."

"Two pro players in the family, huh? Did you both learn together?"

"Motoya introduced me to volleyball. We practiced together all the time, and after that, I practiced more," Sakusa replied, focusing solely on the back of Komori's jersey. "He's a talented player with exceptional reflexes, and it used to drive me insane sometimes, but it motivated me to no end. After a while, it became more than that, though."

Sajima hummed, giving herself a moment to process before replying. "The love of competition turned into a love of the game?"

"I suppose it did. More than anything, it was the only constant in my life. I couldn't rely on my parents or siblings for much because they were hardly ever around. I'm closer with my aunt, uncle, and cousins than them and am lucky enough to have other people in my life, but most of my time outside of middle and high school was spent by myself with a volleyball in our backyard. Even now, in the evenings after work, I train in some way."

"That sounds pretty lonely," Sajima acknowledged, her forehead creasing as her heart ached for him.

"It was," he quietly agreed. "And still is sometimes."

Sajima's eyes flickered over to him from where they were fixated on the court. She reached over to squeeze his hand but stopped and clasped her hands in her lap to ensure her restraint. Sakusa noticed but kept quiet, instead focusing on the soft, kind smile she bestowed upon him. "Well, I really enjoy spending time with you, so if you're ever in need of company, you know where to find me."

"The feeling's mutual," he hummed in return, fixating on the sincerity that reflected in her eyes when her smile became just a bit wider from his reply.

"I'm glad."

"Me too."