Saturday, 29th January 2022—10.45 p.m. In Fears
I was just doing my laundry, and my situation was something I could say chaotic. I was sweaty because I do laundry by hand, my nose was runny, my head pounded occasionally, and my throat just felt uncomfortable with the coughs that I had. While hanging my laundry to dry, I just realise something that I've been thinking about for a while.
My fears. Or should I say one of my fears?
The first time that these kinds of thoughts came through was when I was in my internship. I think I've mentioned it before, but I could be wrong. It was noon, and I was typing down names and other personal details of people who needs help (because I had done an internship at National Charity Organisation). I couldn't remember if it was hot or cold, but I remember I was uncomfortable in my clothes since I was sweaty (and who could say that I've never been sweaty). And just like that I had a thought "Wait, if I were to work in an office like this, I would have to do this every day. Day by day, with no variation to what I'm doing. I don't think I would be happy if I stayed inside this office for more than a month."
That was it. I had that thought for almost a year and throughout different scenarios, it always ended up on the same conclusion. The same question that I've no answers for.
Could I be happy? Or would I be happy?
Not just some ecstatic feeling or joy or excitement, but happiness, or rather contentment. Would I've been happy with the choices I would make in the future? Would I be happy even if I don't have the degree I want? Would I be happy if I never got out of the country? Would I be happy if I have a job that doesn't excite me? Would I feel content with all the choices accumulated throughout the years?
Because every action has consequences, and I'm afraid that someday in the future, my life would be in complete disarray because of it. What exactly will make me happy?
I know that I want a comfortable life. How my parents don't have any concern about spending money. Either for necessities or even tertiary things. Or even luxury sometimes. Having money is convenient and a necessity, I dare say. What if I have those and I still wasn't happy or content? What then?
At what point exactly, would I feel content? Would ever feel that way?
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