The Loud Silence

In Futures

Monday,25 July 2022—09:58 a.m. 

I didn't get any sleep last night. My sleep pattern has been ruined since I got back to campus to finish any college administrative. Yes, I am legally an undergraduate. And that messed me up mentally.

I feel restless after they graduate me. At first, I didn't pay much attention to it and just slept my day away. Because as it turns out, it was how I coped with the stress of overthinking. This is one of those days.

What exactly I'm afraid of? Honestly, all of the things all at the same time. In one perspective I want to have more than enough wealth to sustain me. Why more than enough? I feel like financial stability would make me calm to face anything and for charity to add for my daily live. And to be on that level I need to start working, or looking for work to be exact. I'm afraid that I won't be able to sustain my livelihood, plus all the things that I want to do, like ballet (and all that entails).

My mother had called me Saturday night. It was a weekly call she'd like to make when all of her children were away. In that conversation, I expressed that I wanted to take an extra ballet class, but the fee was higher. But she clearly stated that if I want to take extra class then use my own money. Her reasoning is sound, but that doesn't mean it doesn't make me upset.

I sound like a spoiled brat, and in a way maybe I am. She'd been more than enough to provide for me and my hobby, but in perspective, she never really taught me how to earn. Both my parents never really teach me how to deal with all the mundane paperwork for taxes, insurance, loans, and such. I wouldn't say that they had it easy since both of them didn't come from wealth, and in fact was the opposite. But, now looking at them I feel like I would waste away if I lived my life like them. Not that it was a bad one, but every so often I don't feel like interacting with too many people at work, especially at work. I'd feel incompetent most of the time, and doing all the same thing every day, five days a week, sound like I would lead my life to autopilot.

The other thing that I feel hurt about is in saying she won't give me more for my ballet class, is like she disapproves of my passion. I know that's maybe not how she really meant, but my head translated it as is. I think this hurts more than I expected.

Now, with that next step determined, I'm afraid that I will choose the wrong sort of job for me. Or maybe what I'm afraid of is wasting away in life. The feeling like you just live your life in such a manner that your mind is not fully present. Like it was on autopilot. I'm afraid that in the future I won't live. To live my life from one weekend to another. To crave solitary confinement on weekends to just sleep it off, as we notice that's how I cope.

Noticing these things all at once in a few seconds on Friday afternoon sounds stressful enough for me to sleep it off. I had to call in absent from my ballet class that afternoon because I was stressed enough from the thought alone that it drained me. The result was me feeling guilty that I had to skip my only form of workout for that week. And that made me stress even more.

My brain just couldn't take a break.