From the Diary of Son Chaeyoung

Chapter 24

Ever since the incident, I was told to just rest and not do anything. I was banned from working, from painting, I get to have five minute walks from morning up until the evening and my three doctors would switch just to accompany me.

I am here at my bed watching Miss Moving On. It's a super famous GL series and I found myself really captivated by it. "Honey, hello." I heard Mina and I smiled at her, she gave me some fruits and hugged me while trying to figure out what I was watching.

"It's Miss Moving On," I told her and she just nodded, "I really love Raven's character there, she's the sassy blonde one." I pointed Raven, the character from the series, she's from a wealthy family however her family is very religious and she's gay.

"She made her go to church just to confess every month?" I nodded to Mina and laughed, "I can't blame her for acting that way with the priest, she looks so fed up."

"Yes and her butler really had to ask her if she prayed well," We laughed together and made fun of the poor Raven.

"But love why is it called Miss Moving On? What's the plot?"

"Well it's a teenage story where she wants to move on from her family pressuring her to be someone who she's not." At first, I really thought she's moving on from an ex or what but Raven showed that she had enough of her family trying to fix her into being straight even if she knows she's not broken.

"She's brave," I agreed with her and she cuddled me until the series ends, it's sometimes funny, all the time I feel bad for the characters because they have their own pain but I really have a soft side with Raven.

"Sam's got it tough as well," Mina pouted, "Why does she have to reject him."

"Well baby it happens and that's the point in courting, not because she agreed means it's always going to end up them dating."

"But it's been seven years," Mina's about to cry so I held her tight, oh my gosh I never expected for the both of us to contemplate this much over a GL series.

I'm not going to spoil the series anymore and tried to comfort my girlfriend. "You're such a crybaby."

She frowned, "And you're always good at tellig me that you hate it." She closed her arms and looked away.

"I just can't lie that I am okay with you crying everytime about the littlest things my love, it's not appropriate to always cry." I tried to explain.

"But I am just showing you how strong I am because I cry." She's about to cry again and I could see that she's hurt.

"Baby you can't go on and show your strength all the time, they'll create weaknesses for you." I hugged her and caressed her back, "It is okay to cry but not all the time. You need to always know when not to show how you really feel."

"But why, Chaeng?"

"Because baby people will take advantage of you, people won't understand you as well."

"But do you?" She pouted again.

"Of course my love but not everyone could understand you like me." She sighed and nodded.

"I understand,"

"I apologize as well for making you feel bad about crying, I just couldn't explain my pure intentions well."

She just hummed and hugged my neck, we stayed hugging each other when it was time for me to walk. Mina also said goodbye because she's going to work with Tiffany.

They've been very busy with their photoshoots lately and the release of the magazines will be in a week.

"Aren't you excited to see your girlfriend in front pages?"

I laughed at Krystal, "You're talking like that as if you didn't bawl your eyes out when you first saw Tiffany's."

She playfully nudged me out of embarassment, "I was too proud and it was her dream that's why I cried." 

I held her arm and we walked together, when we went back to our house, Jisoo was facetiming her kid so the both of us didn't interrupt her.

"I'll sleep," I told Krystal and she just nodded.

I'll come down later when Mina arrives, we could eat dinner together. For now I can feel my body getting weaker, it's not a pleasant feeling.

It's like something's eating up your insides and you feel shit and very drained. I feel always exhausted even if I am just laying on my bed.

I sighed and texted Rosie. I just want to secure my family's future that is why I called her to write me my will.

We will be having a reading of the will next time before my surgery. I know my siblings and our parents would be worried and of course Jennie will be mad as well as Ryujin.

Mina will be sad. My doctors will be frustrated. They'll just call me a pessimist but it's hard to be complacent especially if I am the one experiencing the pain.

I just know my body. And any minute now, I could feel it will give up.

But please I just hope I am given a few more time. I have so many plans in mind and I want to earn more for my family.

Rosie: Dream high, Chaeng. Dream about having a family so you won't think about letting your body give up.

I sighed.

How can I even plan on having a family in this short life. I am scared but if I'll let myself fear whatever will happen eventually, then how would I teach the people I love to accept it and let go.

I love them so much. And if they love me, they have to let me go.

That's what life taught me so far, I have given up a lot of things especially at the time when I was diagnosed.

I gave up wanting a child of my own, I gave up the thought of travelling for lot of years. I gave up in love but I was given love and I couldn't just let Mina slip away.

It was the only time that I chose to be selfish, I just want to be with her. I want to be with her but I know I can't.

To Rosie: I'm sorry, it's going to be okay.

I put my phone at the desk and I tried to sleep this off, I don't want to be worried all the time. I just want to breathe okay.

At least when I am asleep, I won't pretend that I am tough.