Gerard's POV:
When I invited Frank out for coffee today, the last thing I had imagined happening was me randomly spilling my guts over what had been bothering me for the past week, but that was the exact situation I found myself in right now.
I watched Frank's face as he tried to assimilate all the information I had just dumped on him, and even though I would never admit it to him, I was terrified as to what his reaction would be now that he knew my darkest sin.
I had no idea why I had let the secret about Patrick pour out of my mouth; I had been so careful not to even skirt near the topic lately, and even though I had planned on telling Frank eventually, I hadn't meant to do it so soon, and definitely not like this.
It had been on my mind a lot recently, it even haunted my dreams, and no matter how hard I tried to convince myself that it really wasn't my fault - I mean, it wasn't like I had physically placed the pills in Patrick's hand and told him to off himself, I knew it was, because I had been the catalyst.
I had even considered asking Pete for Patrick's number so I could call him and apologize or something, but I ended up chickening out each time I saw him like the coward I was. Patrick probably didn't want to hear from me anyway, and there was always the chance that talking to me about something I am sure he would much rather forget could make him worse, and that was the last thing I wanted. Pete hadn't told me it he was fully recovered or not, and I couldn't risk being the cause of his second downward spiral.
So in the end, I had decided to do nothing, because a fuck up like me would probably only ruin Patrick's life more then I already had, and I was a couple years too late to try and atone for my past mistakes.
I had hoped if I simply stayed silent about this whole fiasco, everyone would eventually forget it, but I knew that wasn't true. Pete would never let this go, and I knew Frank was too curious about the reason I had been crying to let me keep it from him much longer either, but I didn't know what else to do.
I should have known that I couldn't hold a secret like this in my heart for very long, but I had thought I would last more than a week before blabbing to Frank about it. I realized that I shouldn't have tried to keep this under lock and key, and that this was something that would make anyone want to turned to someone else for advice and comfort, but that didn't make me feel any better.
I usually had better control over myself than this. I wasn't the kind of person who spilled out my problems or wanted to talk, I just buried everything inside until I eventually forgot about it. That was how I dealt with the rest of my life, but this was something I couldn't erase by ignoring it.
In the end, my mouth had apparently mutinied against my stubbornness, the words tumbling past my lips without my brain's consent, and now it was too late to take it back, but what I wouldn't give to reverse time so I could make sure this moment never happened.
I knew this was it - the end of Frank and I's relationship, because there was no way Frank could still care for me after I dropped this bombshell on him, and I was honesty surprised that he was still standing here next to me. I wouldn't blame him if he just walked off and left my pathetic ass on the curb, actually, that's what he should do.
Because if I was being brutally honest with myself, I really didn't deserve Frank, and I knew that. He was much too good for me, and now he would finally realize that too.
Maybe this was for the best, and now Frank would escape my harmful influence mostly unscathed. We hadn't done anything sexual yet, so I hadn't ruined him for other guys, and there were a million people out there who could treat Frank better than I did.
