Gerard;
I think I lied when I said I could wait. I've been craving it everyday. I just, I want to feel pleasure by another person. It's been a little over week since my conversation with Ryan and all I can think about is how great it'd feel to fuck Frank and how bothered I still am that Ryan brought up cheating on Frank.
I've been so tempted to bring sex-- well not even sex-- up with Frank. It's gotten so bad that just thinking about him gets me hard. I love the image of having sex with him. I want to feel close to him the way I have with my past boyfriends, only I'll mean it for the first time since Bert.
The only reason I haven't brought it up is because I want to respect him. I want him to know that I'm capable of holding myself back and respecting the fact that sex doesn't really appeal to him at the moment.
Right now we're at lunch, sitting by ourselves. I never really eat, so I'm just watching as Frank eats a wilted salad. My hand is on his thigh, rubbing it lightly. I don't even remember putting my hand there, it just happened. He doesn't seem bothered by it, so that's okay.
As my hand continues to rub his thigh, my mind goes to times I've had with other guys. How when I was topped, they'd rub my thighs as I wrapped them around their hips. They'd squeeze them and dirty talk with me. Oh, God, I need to stop or I'm going to be turned on all day.
I take my hand off his leg and stick with folding my arms on the table and laying my head down. "Is something wrong?" Frank asks, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"It's nothing you want to talk about," I mumble, probably not making any sense since my voice is more than likely muffled from the fabric of my jacket.
"What?" Looks like I was correct.
I sigh and pull my head up, "I said, 'it's nothing you want to talk about.'"
"Um, what do you mean?" He sounds genuinely confused. What is there to be confused about? Literally the only thing he doesn't want to talk about with me is sex or anything sexual. Anything else is perfectly fine.
"I mean exactly what I'm saying. You won't want to talk about it, here of all places." I start to get angry, just a little annoyed. I mean, what is so bad about sex? Honestly?
"Try me," he presses, only annoying me further. Right when I start to bring up the topic, he's going to shut me out.
"Fine," I grumble and turn to face him a little. "I'm turned on right now."
"Gerard," he sighs, pushing his salad away. "I don't like having to repeatedly tell you that I don't want to have sex, I don't want a blow job, or a hand job, I don't want to give them. I am not ready." Just like that I kinda snap and start yelling.
"Exactly! You wanted me to tell you even though I told you you wouldn't want to hear it. What happened? Exactly what I knew would happen. I wasn't saying I wanted any of that stuff, I wasn't saying I wanted to do that stuff to you. I told you what was wrong and you jump to conclusions. Thanks." I get up and walk away, leaving my boyfriend to think to himself. Even though he was basically correct-- I really do want to do some sexuality stuff with him-- it doesn't mean he gets to jump to conclusions.
I hear the footsteps behind me and I turn around, right at the doorway expecting to see my boyfriend. Only it wasn't him, it was someone I don't know. "What?" I ask, annoyed.
"Follow me," he says, grabbing onto my wrist and dragging me along the hallway.
I do just that. I feel kind of promiscuous, like I'm sneaking around even though I'm not. When we stop, we're in front of a set of lockers, away from the cafeteria. "I heard that conversation with that boy."
"Uh, yeah?" What's he getting at?
"Well, if he won't put out... I definitely will," he says quietly, batting his eyelashes. Oh God, I've always had a weakness for that. He has longish hair, just above his eyes. His skin is a little on the pale side and he's the same height as me.
"I don't even know you," I say, not really knowing what else to say.
"I'm Jonathon, I'm in a few of your classes. I know you have a boyfriend, but I've been dying to know what your like in bed. I hear great things." Oh my God he's tempting me. I'm better than this though, I'm not a cheater. I would never do that to Frank. Even though he won't do anything sexual, he's the best boyfriend I've ever had and I can't let him go because of a stupid thing I've done.
"I'm sorry, Jonathon, I'm loyal to Frank, I couldn't do that to him." It really isn't like me to turn down sex, and I'm sure he knows that by his reaction. His head jerks back and he squints a little at me.
He quickly covers it up with a smile, "He wouldn't have to know."
"I really wouldn't be able to live with myself if I cheated on him. I love him and I don't want to have that on my conscience. I'm sorry, Jonathon." He knits his eyebrows together and walks away. That was weird... But, I'm glad, nonetheless, that he's gone. I'm afraid that if he would've stayed any longer I would've broke. My hand isn't cutting it anymore. Sure, it gets the job done, but I'm craving the feeling of someone's tight hole around my dick. I've been craving it since I met Frank.
I sigh and walk to my next class.
I feel awful for snapping at Frank now that I've calmed down. I mean, he was so calm about telling me that he isn't ready even if it was, like, the twentieth time. I just, I got angry when he jumped to the conclusion that I was edging the statement towards "hey, let's fuck." I wasn't, I was just stating. I mean, obviously I would not have opposed if he would've suggested it.
It's whatever, I guess. There isn't really anything I can do about it now. He's in his class, I'm in mine. We'll talk after school. If he wants to, that is.
*
I wait outside the front doors, looking through the horde of teenagers to find my beautiful boyfriend. After searching for a good five minutes, I spot him, noticing the Nirvana shirt he wore today. So, I cut through the crowd and grab onto Frank's arm, slowing him down a little so I can walk beside him.
"Hey, I'm sorry about yelling at you," I apologize. I kind of had to yell it in his ear to ensure he'd hear because with a few hundred students trying to talk at the same exact time, it's a little difficult to hear.
"It's fine," he says back, looking up at me and smiling. I take his hand and pull him to my car, eager to get to a less crowded and less loud area.
I take him to the passenger side and kiss his cheek before opening the door for him and letting him get in before closing the door. I go around the front end of the car and get into the driver's side.
"What would you like to do today?" I ask after I start the engine.
"Can we make cookies?" He asks, turning to face me. "I've been craving chocolate chip cookies."
"I'm pretty sure my mom has stuff for them. So, why not? We could give some to Mikey to cure his bad moods." Of course I'm joking, he always seems to be pissed. He just doesn't like me and that's how it's going to be.
"Yay! Can she help us? I don't trust our cooking." He has a valid point there..
*~*~*~*
Sorry it's really short and really late but I've been having a huge writers block (if you couldn't tell by my lack of updating everything I have posted) and a bunch of things have been going on which I'll probably talk about in my next update of Saved by my Bully.
Well, I love you guys.
xoCrashFire
