Find me in Stonebrook

Twenty Eight

Tess, 

I'm writing this up in your favourite field, covered in paint watching a sunset I know you'd have been completely lost in. I can almost guarantee it'd have shown all the hints of red in your hair and turned your eyes the sea green I fell in love with years ago. You'd have stared at this view for hours because it being beautiful doesn't even cut it close. There's a couple at the bottom of the hill walking their puppy. I think it's a puppy. It's only small. Barking like crazy. You'd be complaining that it's ruining the peace. That you made me drive you out here to get away from all the noise and you can't even catch a break out here.

I'm not mad you left Tess. I wish you'd have let me say goodbye and let me make plans and pack your bags and make sure your car had a once over before you drove all that way. I wish your phone was turned on so I can hear your voice. I wish Wells and the guys had let me drive up because I know you're so far past not being okay. I wish you were here and we were talking it out and I wish you'd told me what was going on rather than just leaving.

But I know you hate nothing more than talking about what's going on in your head. I know you like to have your space to sort it out in your head and make your plans and decide things without other people telling you what you should or shouldn't be doing. I know you like knowing what's happening and what the best long term decision is. I know you want me to stop all of this because it's the easier option. You could just leave it all in the past and pretend nothing happened this summer.

I let you go once Tess, I didn't fight for you then and I'm not going to make that mistake again.

I don't make plans. You know I don't make plans because life has a way of throwing them off. But you need a plan so here's my plan;

1) Give you time to cool off and send this letter home with Wells. He said he's coming home Wednesday because he wants to make sure you're okay before Ben shows up at your place on Thursday knowing when you were supposed to be home.

2) I'm going to start looking for some land for us.

3) Do my house up ready to sell it, use that money to buy the land and I'm going to build us your dream home on that lake over the next few years. Gives me something to do when you're working.

4) Come up to New York for your first show back. Wells told me it's Monday afternoon so I'll be coming up first thing in the morning.

5) Continue sending you flowers and turning up at your shows until you realize I'm not going anywhere.

6) Take you on a proper date that doesn't end in me dropping you home angry.

7) Continue taking you on proper dates every time I'm in New York with you for a few years.

8) Finish the house.

9) Ask you to marry me.

10) Marry you.

I mean what I said Tess. I'm going to drive you see you for your days off, I'm going to build the boat and we'll find the school of your dreams. I'm going to paint the daisies on the ceiling.

I can't paint them for you right now because there's nowhere to paint them and you won't sign for the flowers and you keep making the shops send me the money back and tipping them so they can't refuse it. So, behind this letter is this spot right now. Every time you look at it you can remember this letter and remember the flowers I'm going to make you sick of seeing.

I promise you Tessa. I promise nothing is going to stop me doing everything I possibly can to make you believe me. I know you don't want him angel. I know you feel bad. I know you feel like you've done something wrong Tess but you haven't. You want me Tessa. You told me you wanted me darling. I know you weren't lying. You didn't hesitate. You didn't look away.

You want the lake and the school and the boat and our kids and the small town and hiking and the beach. You want the future we planned.

I know you're fighting it Tess because you feel like you owe him something but you don't owe anyone anything.

You don't owe him an apology. You don't owe me one for running. You don't owe Wells one for shouting at him. You don't owe Jayde one for not telling her what was going on. You don't owe your Mom one for telling her everything was okay. You don't owe anyone anything because you are allowed to feel all of this. You're allowed to get mad and be sad and feel like shit.

I don't hate you Tess.

I don't think I deserve better.

You wish it was easy Tess.

You wish he wasn't in the picture.

You wish it wasn't complicated.

So, stop making it complicated.

I'll be here Tess. On the other end of the line, night or day. If you just need to hear me speak I will grab the newspaper and read every word for you. 2am when you can't sleep again. Noon when you're eating lunch. First thing on a morning when you just can't get out of bed.

I'll be here Tessa.

I'm always right here.

I love you. More than the whiskey I'm using to knock me out at night now. More than I love my truck that's covered in reminders you were here. More than I love this town and this view.

Call me, text me, read me message, accept the flowers. Anything.

I'll see you Monday night anyway beautiful xx