You're my goal

Chapter 8

*Ashlyn's POV*

My mind drifts off to when I did this not  long ago with another guy. We were constantly together, jokingly flirting, and just friends. Just friends. We had decided  it would stay that way, especially when we were constantly in each other's presence. And I can't help but feel guilty now, that this isn't him. This isn't his brown hair and his voice I'm talking to.

I get up, feeling uncomfortable suddenly. Sal looks at me inquisitively. Murr and Joe's eyes also trail me. Q gets up to meet me at the door as I stand on the door mat, preparing to leave.

"Hey."

I continued to walk down the steps to the driveway, hearing his footsteps following close.

"Hey!" I hear a demanding presence in his voice as he grabs my arm and spins me around.

His face drops as he sees me. I feel the tears dripping hotly down my face, and I'm all too well associated with the red blotchy-ness my face obtains when I do so.

"Are you ok?" He asks uncertainly.

"I... I just remembered someone I need."

I see him shake his head, "You're slurring your words too much. It's ok, shh calm down. Try again"

He smiles, encouraging me to try again.

"I just really miss someone."

"It's ok really, I understand. If you ever need to talk to someone I'm here."

He hands me his number and I quickly nod my head so he knows I understand.

"Thank you" I sniffle.

"Do you need a hug?"

I forcefully close my eyes shut and my mouth locks into a gaping frown. I shuffle into his arms and he holds me lightly, gently. His touch surrounds my whole body and I feel a little relieved. This didn't last long until I was reminded of him again.

I quickly release, only feeling worse. I can see the pain Q holds in his eyes. He must feel helpless; and he is helpless, I hate to say it. But just in this moment, in this situation.

I sprint down the end of the street and round the corner. I lean my back against the wall of a building and slide down. The brick is rough and it hurts to do so, but how could that possibly compete with what I feel inside me right now? I'd rather bare other pain to distract myself from this.

I don't know how to deal with this. Not alone. So why is it that I'm always alone? I'll deal with it how I've always learned, pushing it away. Clearing my face. Hiding my sleeve and not letting it show. Trust me it's easier this way, for everyone. At least that's what I tell myself. I get up while running my hands over my face to wipe off my tears and the fractured expression I was maintaining.

I place in my ear phones and continue my counterproductive, self inflicting recuperating procedures. I select the song Goner by Twenty One Pilots. As I walk tears occasionally slip down my expressionless face, all masked by the shadows of the night.

When I walk into the Penthouse only Sav is here.

"Hey! How was it?" She calls once she hears me enter from the elevator.

"Great guys!" I say enthusiastically, a smile pasted on my face.

"That's fantastic!"

I guess I can fool everyone, including her. Including myself.

"Come here and tell me about it!" She continues yelling from the living area, but I don't think I have the nerve to keep this up act up in front of her face.