You're my goal

Chapter 19

I didn't know what to do.

Brian had left me with the gentle reminder that I'm not for him. Better yet, I was also given the task to clean up the picnic he had left behind. I couldn't bring myself to look over the set up of it; it only resurfaced in my mind what had just spiraled out of control.

I didn't have it in me to eat right now. My stomach felt twisted and nauseous so I packed up the basket and food in a bundle with the blanket and threw it away. Sav would say I'm being wasteful right now. But Sav wasn't here, and frankly she seemed like she didn't want to be around me lately either. I know she's been upset because I've been less than attentive to anything that wasn't Tyler or Brian recently, but she's my friend. She usually pushes aside her own pitiful sulking when she knows I need her; and I do right now.

Key word 'usually'. After sending her several texts to which I received no response, I am now irritated too. I hate this quiet game she's playing at. If she would open my texts maybe she'd know how much I need to talk right now. I looked over my phone again to see she hadn't responded still. My eyes refrained from looking over Tyler's name. It's not his fault. I can't say it is. I can't do that to him.

Maybe I should talk to him. After all, he's the only one who hasn't purposefully hurt me, and yet the only reason I have these problems in the first place.

"Ugh..." I groaned and shook my head. My thoughts were at war with themselves. I paced the same block four times before I forcefully committed to walking towards the pent house. I'll just grab some clothes and spend the night with Tyler. If Sav wanted to throw a fit about me calling practice off tomorrow then so be it. If it provokes her to speak to me then I don't care. If everyone is completely fine with it, then I'll just spend the day with Tyler. I've lost all feeling in my body to worry or be concerned. I just don't care what happens.

Even as anger boiled up inside me, and I felt the need to spite Sav for neglecting me, I felt a certain calmness wash over me. Tyler was the resolve I needed after this mess. It didn't hit me until now how sad and deprived I've felt due to his absence. I desired to physically feel him in my presence. I wanted his arms wrapped around me, aggressively tight, as if he's afraid I'd slip through otherwise. I wanted to feel him nestle into the crook of my neck- something he always tends to do. I need to be enveloped by the security and stability he shares with each embrace. He holds me like he doesn't want to let go, ever. I want that more than anything at the moment.

I quickened my pace to the penthouse at the thought of reaching him sooner. The sooner I got to him the sooner I could bury myself into his shirt. I loved the smell of his cologne; it was strong and uniquely had a vague wiff of the Old Spice deodorant he wears. I love his dark brooding eyes that saw into the depths of me, and countless innocent glances he'd steal in my direction . I love his cocky grin and sheepish smiles. I love his airy laugh that made me giggle and feel accomplished to have caused such a joyful sound. I love his voice which was undefinable in every way except that it was simply him. It was just Tyler.

I love everything about us together, but I only 'like' him; and I hate the repetitive suggestion of us. Yes, I love us together, but I don't love the idea of us, together. I know that's why we agreed to be friends, because we agreed that anything exclusive is too complicated.

The doorman greeted me and I managed to send him a weak smile. Today I've been emotionally battered, and I couldn't find it in me to react. I know I'm particularly gifted when it comes to taking my sadness and hiding it away deep inside; likely only to brew there and transform into disdain and contempt.  This way there are no tears, but I am noticeably bitter. I'm a master of self pity.

I entered the elevator with one other occupant. He was a tall male, my guess averaging 6'1, with broad shoulders. The ensemble of his khaki shorts and grey tank allowed me to observe his muscular arms.