There is no Redemption for A Scum Villain

Chapter 31

Shen Qingqiu had not moved in a long while. He was still sitting at the table even when the food had long become cold. He couldn't help but feel extremely unnerved. He was close to the point where he could no longer keep playing. Shen Qingqiu had been impossible to Yue Qingyuan this time. He had actually yelled at him and made him feel guilty about this whole thing although it had been Shen Qingqiu making him do this back then. How could he have done this and have a clear conscience afterwards.

Yue Qingyuan couldn't even know why he had drunk so much back then. He couldn't know the complexity of their relationship back then. He couldn't know that while Yue Qingyuan carried the memories of himself and Shen Qingqiu being deeply in love, Shen Qingqiu had only memories of betrayal and pain. And as Yue Qingyuan's heart broke from all of Shen Qingqiu's accusations and yelling that Yue Qingyuan even thought justified and Shen Qingqiu then went on to go to a brothel, Yue Qingyuan felt like every last part of himself had been torn to pieces. Back then the only way out of this agony had been to tear his brain to pieces too.

Shen Qingqiu wanted so desperately to ask for forgiveness, to explain and take Yue Qingyuan into his arms. He didn't want to keep going with this. He had seen Yue Qingyuan in a bad mood over the last few days. It was all too obvious that he felt unnecessary and unimportant to the person he had dedicated so much to.

Letting Yue Qingyuan find out the truth himself or at least falling in love with Shen Qingqiu again should all have been a game. Shen Qingqiu had realized too late that keeping quiet about their relationship would only cause pain. Just like it had last time. Shen Qingqiu promised himself to tell Yue Qingyuan right away as soon as he came back home.

He spent a while waiting. The longer he had to the more nervous he got. He started cleaning up the table and put the soup back into the kitchen. Afterwards he sat back on his chair and continued to simply sit and wait. The room started turning darker and Shen Qingqiu grew restless. His foot tapped the ground at a fast rhythm to somewhat relieve his tension, but it hardly worked.

When the minutes turned into hours he got up again to walk back into the kitchen. There were still spices laying around. Shen Qingqiu looked at the soup and just threw a bit of each spice in there in a try to cover the muddy taste. It wasn't much so spices should work.

As he sprinkled some red powder into the soup, Shen Qingqiu's mind began to wander off. Yue Qingyuan had been gone for a while now, but Shen Qingqiu had been in that situation before. During that te when he had been turned to a lid, Yue Qingyuan would sometimes excuse himself and leave the house for patrol walks around the peak or even the whole mountain. If he did the latter, he could be away for many hours. Sometimes he didn't come back until late at night, once even in the middle of the night.

The reason for his leave had always been, as Shen Qingqiu had later figured out, his inability to be close to a Shen Qingqiu who smiled at him every day and looked up to him while in his mind he had the memory of another Shen Qingqiu loathing him. Whatever his issue right now was, Shen Qingqiu could only imagine a similar on.

Shen Qingqiu  dipped his finger into the soup and tasted it. He didn't even flinch when his tongue practically burned off. His eyes were unfocused as he mindlessly poured a bowl of water into the soup and added some yellow powder and a bit of salt. He tasted again and sighed. It tasted good. It really did,  but he had no mind to be proud of himself.

Normally he would have immediately run to Yue Qingyuan, proudly telling him that he had managed to save the soup,  but Yue Qingyuan was not here. Shen Qingqiu walked back to their room and sank into his chair for a second time.

After some time he pulled some papers from his sleeve and started painting. He drew himself this time, cooking. It took him quite a while to get the painting done, but even when he was finished Yue Qingyuan had not returned. Out of frustration Shen Qingqiu started scribbling a Yue Qingyuan into the painting too, sitting on a chair to watch him cook.